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AIBU?

To want to know how to support my friends through IVF?

20 replies

mememummy · 27/03/2013 21:26

So I Couldn't find an appropriate place for this, My friend is currently going through IVF she had her eggs implanted on Friday and Is now waiting for the pregnancy test on 5th April she's having some period pains today and I'm trying to keep her positive without being to positive IYSWIM.
I have sent her some flowers and chocolate and she's off work atm. Is there any thing else I can do to help? Xx

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mememummy · 27/03/2013 21:26

I appear to have no punctuation, I'm very sorry x

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emess · 27/03/2013 21:55

How about just acting normal? There's nothing you can do to assist the biological processes. Focus on the here and now. Don't have conversations along the lines of "if it doesn't work ...." or "what will you do if..." Just be there... let her know you are there if she wants you. Don't keep asking her how she is. If things don't work out, be a listening ear, don't judge. She may be angry or in despair or resentful or all of them. If you would normally go out together then arrange an outing. If you visit each other then visit each other. Let her set the conversation topics but if she's getting anxious or over-excited, perhaps gently steer the conversation onto a more neutral topic.
However it turns out she is fortunate to have a caring friend like you.

buggerama · 27/03/2013 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zoomania · 27/03/2013 22:05

It will seem like the longest wait ever to her so distract distract distract. Any good box sets you could lend her? Offer a listening ear if she wants to talk. Don't try too hard to be positive etc as no one knows what the outcome will be. Fingers crossed for her .

CruCru · 27/03/2013 22:06

Whatever you do, don't say "You should consider adoption if it doesn't work" (I'm sure you would have more sense). A friend said that and I found it infuriarating.

mememummy · 27/03/2013 22:16

I rang her tonight to have a rant about work and she said it was the first conversation about other things in ages, I told her I can't imagine how she feels at the minute as I have never been through it and i have told her I'm proud of her for being positive. I just feel so useless x

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EuroShaggleton · 27/03/2013 22:19

Distraction is key. It feels like the longest 2 weeks ever. I was quite happy talking about it to friends who were interested.

GreatSoprendo · 27/03/2013 22:19

The IVF 2 week wait is the longest 2 weeks of your life, so the best you can do is keep her distracted - shopping trips, cinema, lunches, box sets etc are all good. 'Symptom spotting' is the IVF-ers curse - constantly looking for signs that it has worked or that your period is on its way so distraction is key. Cant think of any phrase to describe those 2 weeks other than a complete head fuck (sorry )

Other than that everyone is different - we did not tell anyone we were having IVF as felt we could not handle other people asking how we were doing, when were we testing etc. but I know others found talking about it really helpful.

Just being a good friend is all you can do - which it sounds like you already are being. Good luck to your friend

Yfronts · 27/03/2013 22:24

just listen and support. don't offer advice or opinions

mememummy · 27/03/2013 22:24

She's having period type pains I just told her hot water bottle and watch a film x

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FadBook · 27/03/2013 22:26

You're being a good friend, keep doing what you are doing. I've been through this and I loved my 2 friends like you who were there for me.

Calls are nice, normal conversations to take your mind off things. The 2 week wait is awful. She'll feel as helpless as you!

Listening when they want to vent. You don't have to agree, disagree or anything, just listen.

Advising friend to go easy on herself. So, treating herself (or if you can afford) to a manicure, a nice bag etc. I recently sent my friend a 'care package' which included magazines chocolate, hair mask, face mask, 4head stuff (she was getting bad headaches), notebook to write things down and a little nail varnish. It arrived in time for the weekend and she too was on her 2ww. She loved it and relaxed that weekend.

Find things to make her laugh or giggle. I sent my friend links to some classics threads on here. She loved them

At the end of the 2ww, even if pregnant, very early days. She'll still be anxious. Just be aware of that and let her take one day at a time.

HesterShaw · 27/03/2013 22:27

Don't offer any advice. Just listen. Don't say anything bracing or comforting if it fails. Just be there. If she wants to talk be there. But don't ask specific questions.

This is how I want my family to act anyway. None of my friends bother.

You sound like a nice friend :)

ImagineJL · 27/03/2013 22:27

Whatever you do, don't ask her if she's getting any "sense" of whether it's worked or not, and don't ask her around test day what the result is.

mememummy · 27/03/2013 22:37

I can't wait for them to be parents in what ever form, I am currently aunty to a cat... Now that's love. She is worried about the pains. In working till thurs next week :( but I will ring her if I can thank u shes my bestest mate

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CruCru · 27/03/2013 22:42

Period type pains don't necessarily mean it hasn't worked. I get them in early pregnancy - think it's my uterus stretching.

Awomansworth · 27/03/2013 22:44

Having been through 7 of the "two week waits", my only advice is just to be as supportive as you can and please don't give opinions regarding the outcome... After our second attempt failed we never told told a soul when we were having a cycle as I just couldn't handle people not knowing what to say to me, when all I wanted was a hug and some company.

Our 7th cycle was positive and I gave birth to twin boys, I will be for ever thankful for everyone who helped us along the way, but the trauma of those waits will never leave me.

You sound like a lovely friend by the way. I hope your friends gets a positive result on her test day.

DumSpiroSpero · 27/03/2013 23:03

Can't add much more than others have suggested here but wanted to add my support & best wishes.

It is tough - my best friend has lived 150 miles away since we we in our early teens and has been ttc for nearly 3 years snag it's hard to know what to say especially with distance involved.

She & her DH had their first fertility treatment just before Christmas, and I had a text at the crack of dawn a few weeks ago (post first scan) to say they were expecting their first baby a week before my own DD's birthday!

I really hope your friends get a similarly happy outcome soon.

mememummy · 27/03/2013 23:17

I said it was stretchy type pains thanku for all your comments it's been tough for us let alone them

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ceeveebee · 27/03/2013 23:25

When we went through Ivf the last thing I wanted were for friends/ family to be constantly asking me for updates so probably don't ask how things are, just act normally and as other posters say, don't attempt to offer advice or alternatives if it doesn't work this time

I had period pains and was so convinced it hadn't worked that I didn't even take the test until a couple of days late. We have b/g twins now

Ilovemytwins · 27/03/2013 23:44

Hi, you sound lovely!

I have been through this so many times, my best friend did just what you have done. As suggested above, just be normal and keep your friend as busy as possible! I was maid of honor at my sisters wedding during my 2 ww, I made their table plan and got drunk!! Period pains don't mean it's all over! I have twins now and felt the exact pains. My heart goes out to people going through this. It's so difficult. But she is lucky to have a friend who cares as much as you do!

I hope your friend has a happy outcome! Keep doing what your doing! Xxx

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