Or is she? mum related(13 Posts)
Now, before I begin, if it does appear that I am being u, I will apologise immediately, but I want some outside views first.
My mum looks after 2yo ds for me 2 days a week while I work. This is a mutual arrangement, my mum and ds have a lovely relationship and he loves going to hers. I do tell her how much I appreciate it, whenever it is her birthday or Mothers Day or something I always write a special little note in them telling her how much I appreciate her looking after ds for me.
Last week, I came down with the flu, and was really ill. I couldn't even move out of bed for 2 days. my ds went to my mums as usual although I was home sick. ds then caught the flu bug from me, and has passed it on to my mum and sister, who have in turn passed it onto my nan.
Now of course I feel bad about this. But this morning, when I dropped ds off with my mum as usual, she told me how my sister had been up all night ill with this bug, and when I said oh dear, she basically implied that it was all my fault in the first place for starting the bug. She made me feel really awful and guilty. Later, when I went to pick up ds, I asked her how she could possibly blame me for getting ill, and she said 'well where else did this bug come from then!' and that she couldnt believe that I thought that she was the one in the wrong, and that it was all my fault for allowing ds over hers while I was ill. We ended up having a huge row because I am honestly incredulous that she can blame me for the behaviour of a virus, and she is angry that I don't feel sorry!
AIBU? Or is she? She wasn't forced to have ds for me last week. If she'd have refused, I would have had no choice but to keep him with me anyway.
YANBU, seems quite unfair to blame you. And why hadn't your Nan had the flu jab? She wouldn't have caught it if she'd had it.
Thats the weird thing celticpixie we all have had the flu jab, it was a flu like bug I think, but not the actual flu if you see what I mean?
There's an awful fluey thing going round right now. It's not quite proper flu but knocks you out for a couple of days. Because it is so widespread there's every chance, I'd have thought, that your mum could have picked it up from anywhere. Blaming you is very unfair.
Your mum is being unreasonable. Presumably she knew when she took your DS last week that you were at home with the flu, and she allowed him over anyway.
And assuming your mum, sister, and nan don't all live together, they chose to then visit each other.
So your mum can't really be angry with you for not putting a quarantine on your family when she didn't embrace a quarantine policy either.
Did your DS go to your mum's when he was ill? If so, I think she might have a slight point - I would always try to avoid asking someone else (especially older people) to look after an ill child for me.
But if your DS was well when she looked after him, then YANBU. If she was worried at the time, she should have said something.
Maybe SHE is feeling a little guilty because your nan was ill, and finds it easier to blame someone else?
my ds went to my mums as usual although I was home sick
If your mum was aware that you were sick and not at work then YANBU - she cared for your DS knowing full well that there was a good chance of the infection spreading to her and so on.
Perhaps she feels guilty - and is just passing the buck.
ds was coming down with it when he went over hers I think. The problem was, I was laid up so I think she thought she'd do me a favour and take him off my hands, and its backfired now that she caught the bug too.
Its really hard to quarantine these things, anyone knows that.
I was going to ask what was said exactly tea, as it seems ludicrous to blame you for a virus spreading when she knew the situation and happily had your DS over.
I re read your OP, and am wondering about the bit where you say "she couldnt believe that I thought that she was the one in the wrong,"
What did get said then?! Who said what? I just can't imagine it
YANBU. It's just one of those things. Unfortunate that everyone got ill, but it can't 100% be your fault. It's entirely possible (and tbh completely probable) that the virus spread from you to your son and so on. But equally so, your son, mum, sister, nan etc could have caught it in the supermarket/library/worlplace/softplaynd so forth.
Can they specifically identify that it directly came from you? No, of course not (unless your family are all mega sciency microbiologists!) Your mum IBU, and as others have said is prob lashing out through guilt.
Hope you're all feeling better!
It is a bit ludicrous fluffy but she seems genuinely perplexed that I am not falling over myself with apologies that her and my sis and nan are ill, even though as someone above mentioned, I had have no contact whatsoever with my nan, so the fact that she is ill is thanks to my mum taking ds over there.
She says I should be more grateful that she took care of ds while I was ill, but she has him 2 days a week anyway. And if she had point blank refused to have him, I would have kept him with me and got through somehow. I was really grateful that she had him, but I did thank her at the time, so I don't know what more she wants.
To be honest, I would have apologised if I were in your shoes - in fact last week we seem to have incubated some kind of bug at our house that our visitors got and I felt awful that they picked it up here and apologised to everyone just because they wouldn't have had it had they not been visiting us. Feeling apologetic isn't conditional on being able to have prevented anything happening, and it sounds as though your mum was just expecting you to be a little more contrite about being the source of the infection at least within your family.
I would have apologised too in this situation. Its one of those where she is taking her stress over everybody being ill on you because you are likely to be the source of it in her eyes. She's being a bit unfair on one hand because she can't know for sure but on the other it probably did come from you. For the sake of keeping the peace, I'd back down over this and just apologise.
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