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to think some people are purposefully disorganised to force family to help them?

(16 Posts)
familyfun Wed 27-Mar-13 13:35:27

Me and dp budget and stay in and manage to feed our family and pay the bills, just about.
Some people eat takeaways and go out and then run out of money for food at the end of the month and get given money to tide them over.

Me and dp saved before having kids so we could buy necessities. Some spent while they could and then couldnt afford to buy necessities so were bought them.

Me and dp worked out that to pay childcare wouldnt be worth it so im a sahm, others went back to work as they "cant afford to stay home" but then realised they didnt earn enough to pay the childcare and the mortgage so are given free childcare.

feel like me and dp have always been sensible and saved up and budgetted and never just bought what we fancy, but some people seem to have what they want and expect others to pay for what they need.

i suppose iabu because its none of my business if family choose to give them money/childcare but we were never offered anything because we manage ourselves and didnt have nights out/fancy holidays.

havingamadmoment Wed 27-Mar-13 13:40:41

sometimes people need help regardless of what they have or havent done. Well done for being lucky that your plans worked a lot of the time its luck rather than planning. Dont be so jealous.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 13:50:10

I know what you mean, although the people I know don't necessarily rely on family for childcare whilst they work, but for constant financial help. One woman that I know just expects her parents to clothe her children and buy shoes for them. She and her DH squander away their money, buying gadgets and things for themselves, and she has a lot of beauty treatments, then they moan that they are too skint to buy shoes for their DCs/food/pay their gas bill, so her parents step in to help.

I think if they were more organised with their finances and wasted less they could pay for everything themselves, but it's like they are making a lifestyle choice to spend willy nilly then expecting family to bail them out.

OddBoots Wed 27-Mar-13 13:53:13

Sometimes it's bad luck whatever you do, and sometimes people behave in a short sighted way then blame bad luck - it's hard to know the difference unless you know them very well but I can understand the upset about it when you know the things you have given up just to be 'okay'.

familyfun Wed 27-Mar-13 13:55:35

i dont think its lucky though, if we went out and bought takeaways and nights out at the start of the month we would run out of money, so we dont we budget and make sure our children are fed. they spoil themselves and then go begging with no food for the kids and get given.
if id been offered free childcare i could have worked part-time and had more money but we werent offered because we manage. they just went back to work and then cried they couldnt pay the childcare so got it free.

familyfun Wed 27-Mar-13 13:57:22

i sort of think its premeditated. if they said weve bought our food for the month now will you treat us to a takeaway and a big night out they would be told no. so they spend what they want and then ask for money for food for the kids knowing they wont be told no.
happens all the time.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Wed 27-Mar-13 13:59:16

My parents are well off, and very generous but I just couldn't have the audacity to ask them for handouts. It just wouldn't happen.

UserError Wed 27-Mar-13 14:00:59


wannabeEostregoddess Wed 27-Mar-13 14:01:05

We dont eat out. Budget wisely etc etc. PILs still help out a lot and my mum buys the DCs clothes. We dont ask.

Also, if we were paying for childcare I am pretty sure MIL would want to take the DCs maybe one day a week or so. Not just to help us but because she enjoys it.

If you feel your families are not very supportive then YANBU.

But YABU to be annoyed at the small snippets of peoples lives you get to see. You will never know the full extent of what troubles they may have.

Beveridge Wed 27-Mar-13 14:02:56

Probably not purposefully, but there's not the same incentive to stay within budget if you know someone else will provide a buffer. In our case, it's a credit card that depressingly is fullof petrol and supermarket shops.And garage bills.

However, you don't know what the core income/outgoings of these other families are-maybe not having takeaways is not enough to make ends meet.Maybe they do other things for their family members in exchange, consciously or otherwise. Maybe the granny just likes buying shoes and clothes for their grandchild.

familyfun Wed 27-Mar-13 14:07:14

they are all family.
they dont budget wisely as they know family will pick up the bill.
im not jealous as i dont wish to be aburden on my family.
some have more money than us, enjoy it and then get handouts.
as i say i think its premeditated. they arent stupid, they know they need to eat at the end of the month, so why go crazy at payday.

familyfun Wed 27-Mar-13 14:07:58

if i asked for money i would probably be given it, i dont want to, we live within our means as best as possible and do without.

Thistledew Wed 27-Mar-13 14:20:31

I have a relative a bit like this. She is far too much of a 'free spirit' to concern herself with worldly things and thinks everyone else should be the same. What she doesn't see is that it causes her family and friends to do the running around worrying for her- to sort out her disagreement with the council so that the already large fine for a beach of environmental health (she didn't think it important to cleans shed used in food production despite warning notices) doesn't turn into a prison sentence. If confronted, she would say that her (adult) children shouldn't worry about it and what will be will be. Which rather begs the question of whether she would feel any upset or worry if the situation was reversed and they were the ones risking being sent to prison.

It is not something that she does deliberately, but is born out of a self-centredness, and a failure to empathise. She likes to see herself as generous, which she can be, but only on her terms to promote her own self- view. It is not a true generosity at all, something which is evident to everyone but her.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 27-Mar-13 15:57:10

It might be premeditated, but then they are planning it knowing that their family is happy to help, so I don't see the problem.

Maybe they would act differently if their family said no, but as they don't, these people are just relying on how things have always been.

thezebrawearspurple Wed 27-Mar-13 16:24:38

The family could always say no which would force them to budget, if they're happy to continue funding them then you can't really blame the freeloaders for having the cheek to accept it.

TomDudgeon Wed 27-Mar-13 16:59:12

Don't want to type a count yourself lucky type post as I can understand your frustrations as we have also tried to do everything 'properly' so to speak

On the other hand having had a prem baby and four redundancies thrown at us I can also see that sometimes you just cannot plan for things

Be proud of yourselves, you sound like you do brilliantly and deserve some good stuff
but at the back of your mind have a little niggle that says 'there but for the grace of god go I'

In the case of the people you are talking about remember that one day, some day that hand out wont come and they won't be able to cope

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