AIBU to ask for MIL advice (long saga regarding smoking)

[honeytea]

It's me again,

The back story is that my MIL is a little bit of a controling lady, mostly we have got on really well but since DS (11 weeks) was born she has not excepted that he is our baby (mine and dp's) she has opinions of me breastfeeding (that ds will get too fat and not learn to walk us using cloth nappies (DS will get awful nappy rash aparently) the way I wind DS, thinking I should not try to encourage DS to sleep at night time I should just sit up all night with him for the forseable future. To all these things I have just smiled and nodded and ignored.

DS was ill with RS virus and the Dr advised us that among other things DS should not be held by smokers as Ds will have a higer risk of astma and also nicotine shows up in babies who were held by smokers and nicotine raises the risk of sids. MIL smokes, she is coming to stay next week (not with us with sil but in the area where we live) DP told her what what the Dr had said, he had told her when we first came out of hospital but I don't think she really took it all in. Dp suggested that we bring DS over to visit MIL first thing in the morning just after MIL gets up in the morning so she cna have time with DS just after she has showered and put fresh clothes on. MIL is very very angry and has said she will not do that and there is no problem with her smoking she is not dirty. She said she doesn't want to see Dp again and wont see DS untill he is 18 and "he can decide then himself if he wants a grandma" she said we are keeping her grandson from her. We only asked her to do the fresh clothes and shower thing untill ds is 6 months (after that he wont be so cuddle and wont be held close to smoky clothes for hours and hours like he would be now as a cuddly sleepy 2 little baby)

MIL is angry because she doesn't want to socialise in the morning and she doesn't want to shower in the middle of the day, she has said that we have said she is dirty and that we don't want her to see her grandchild. Unfortunatly MIL thinks that it is me who has decided that DS must not be held by smokers, she has been told it was a paediatrician but she thinks we should ignore that advice and I am an evil DIL and scheaming to keep her grandson away from her.

Just to put it in perspective we have cancled a trip to the UK (my home country) because the Dr advised us that DS would have a higher chance of catching a different strain of RS virus, that means my father won't meet ds till her is 7 months old and my grandparents and aunty and cousins have booked flights and hotels to come and visit us, I also stayed at home for around a month after he was ill so we didn't risk infecting any other babies at baby groups so really a quick shower isn't the biggest "ask" in the world.

So what should I do? I feel so bad for DP, his dad has taken MIL's side and DP feels like he has lost his parents :( We have offered MIL the comprimise of her holding DS but not have him sleep on her but she doesn't want that. I feel like I have come into DP's life and by having a poorly baby and being a worried mum I have caused all this trouble :( In my family we just sort stuff out, maybe shout at each other but then the next day all is forgotten and we either find a solution of forget it. Do I just ignore the situation and get on with our little family life, is there anything I can do to help the situation move forward without DP loosing contact with his parents?

[dreamingofsun]

do they have any free leaflets available at the doctors with guidance ref babies and smoking that you could give her? Maybe some independant advice might work? Both my husband and BIL have asthma - my husband nearly died a few years ago due to asthma - which was probably caused by smoking. so stick to your guns.

smokers don't realise how bad their habit is. despite both kids having asthma, my MIl now smokes outside at last and when i asked why she said it was because she had new paint in the kitchen.

[selsigfach]

Your baby, your rules.
Your job as parents is to put your child first and MIL will have to like it or lump it. Don't back down. She will either see how unreasonable she is and come round to your wishes, or she won't - which will be her problem and her loss, not yours.
Congratulations on your lovely little baby.

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

Well you can't really do much can u :( the drs don't say that stuff for fun Rs virus or not it really isn't much to ask for someone to not be stinking of smoke whilst holding a new born!

Older generations r very much " didn't do me any harm" and thy often fail to make the connections as holding a baby wearing smoky clothes and the onset of asthma symptoms can be months or even years apart.

It sounds like you have done all you can and u really can't afford to be backing down just to avoid an argument. Unfortunately some people r just so set in their ways that it will always be someone else's fault.

Congrats on your baby!!

[ChasedByBees]

She sounds dreadful. Would a letter help (then she can read it when calmer and not shout at it!) you could include print outs or links to the info. Also could point out her grandson won't want to know her if he only meets her as an adult. She's cutting off her nose to spite her face. This isn't your doing though at all - this is hers and her alone.

[CatsRule]

It seems, just like my mil, that it's all about her.

If she cared for her son, dil and her gs she would compromise.

I don't know what to suggest as we have similar problems with my inlaws too!

[happyhorse]

You haven't caused this trouble. In fact you've thought of various options for MIL to be with your baby without risking his health. If she cares more about her pride than her grandson's health then she's not worth worrying about.

[DontmindifIdo]

I commented on your previous thread. This is not about her being able to smoke or you stopping her seeing DS, it's about her deciding she gets to decide what happens in the extended family.

The nicest way I can put it, when you have a new DC, some grandmothers find the move from being the Mother who gets to make the decisions to being the Grandmother -much more of a 'bit player' in the family, who doesn't get to make the final decisions anymore - to be a very hard mental journey to make.

It's worth holding firm on this line. Even if you were just being precious (which you are most definately not!!!), that's your right to do, you are the mother of DS, not her. As long as your DH is on your side, then she has to either put up with it or not see DS. It's no longer her decision how the younger generation is parented. The sooner she accepts that, the better.

Also, OP, sorry but you are wrong here, you shouldn't be offering her a compromise of holding the baby when she's been smoking - you have a choice, you can try to make your MIL happy or you can keep your DS safe. Your child's health should matter far more than your MIL's feelings. You are a mother now, your DS is your priority. Nothing is more important than that. Hold the line. If she actually cares at all about your DS, then she'll give in and shower before coming over. But if it's more important to her to 'win' then actually she doesn't give a shit about your DS, she just wants you to give her control. Someone like that isn't worth having in your DS's life.

[DontmindifIdo]

BTW - if she says "well I won't see DGS until he's 18 and can make his own decisions." don't bother engaging just say "well that's your choice". She's trying to make you fix a problem she's creating, so she can graciously accept your solution to the problem she's created. She's porbably used to throwing a strop and then other people running around trying to make her happy - by usually giving her own way.

Don't.

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

And of ever anyone makes you feel like your being precious or unfair I'd like to share this: I allowed my MIL to lo after my dd while I worked and I felt that giving her the relationship with her gd was important so whereas I did get do to speak to her regarding smoking outside what she had her she often came back stinking and u did remind her a few times but didn't want to upset people.

Dd1 is now asthmatic. She coulda got it anyway its in the family who knows but if I could go back in time I'd change the whole thing cos it isn't worth it it really isn't and funnily enough now I refuse to take dd2 round there for the same reasons you don't ( bronchiolitis twice at 4 weeks and 2.5-3 m) she hasn't really bothered to come here and it's all my fault of course. But dd2 has not yet shown signs and I hope it stays that way !

How's what a difference it makes and I promise you that whatever anyone says or thinks, protecting your ds is paramount don't make the same mistakes I did!! I wish I'd had your courage back then

[FeistyLass]

You don't have to do anything and YANBU to insist MIL follows the guidelines but if you're upset at the impact it will have on your dp, could you ask your SIL to explain to MIL that the guidelines are from the doctor?

If MIL is used to having strops and getting her own way then she will want a solution that allows her to save face. Perhaps some info sheets that explain it's nothing to do with being clean or dirty?

Yes, you would be pandering to her awfulness but if you don't want dp to lose contact with his dm then you might consider it worth it. Don't capitulate at all on the restrictions about holding your ds.

[honeytea]

Thanks mumsnetters, you have really made me feel better about the fact that there isn't really much I can do right now :(

I think I will try to keep the door open to MIL and FIL, I send photos of DS by e-mail to them so I will continue to do that every few days.

[DontmindifIdo]

Honeytea - you need to stop thinking about this as a problem you need to fix. Send photos, make it clear if she's prepared to follow your perfectly reasonable rules, she's always welcome, but don't worry that's there's not much you can do, as it's not something you need to do anything about.

[CloudsAndTrees]

I can understand why she has taken offence tbh, the doctors advice does seem quite extreme.

If you can find a reliable source of written information to prove that what the doctor is saying is correct, then she might be more likely to understand. If its just the doctors opinion with no evidence to back it up, then I think the usual asking her her to wait 20 minutes, wash her hands and wear a different top is sufficient.

[Inertia]

Yanbu.

You are absolutely correct to follow the paediatrician's instructions, and put your baby's health ahead of your MIL's strops. Don't even offer the 'compromise' of her holding him awake while she is smoke-drenched - he would still be breathing it in.

Ideally it needs to come from your DP , but you have to keep re-iterating that your responsibility to protect your baby from further illness trumps MiL's wish to subject him to smoke fumes.

[parakeet]

Just leave it now. If she doesn't see the baby for 6 months it's not the end of the world - and will show her that when it comes to your baby's health, you stick to your guns.

[DontmindifIdo]

Clouds - I have heard this advice a lot for premature babies, it could be it's standard for certain other conditions as well. It's not that extreme if you've been round sick babies.

I do also think a lot of older smokers are rather chippy when you point out the dangers to others from their smoking, they have accepting it's bad for their health, but tend to not really believe it can damage anyone else's unless they blow smoke into their face...

[GlaikitFizzog]

Honey are you in Sweden and MIL wants to co-sleep with her grandchildren? I think that's you, if not I'm sorry, wrong spy.

From the sounds of it, your relationship is already strained, maybe limit contact to the odd photo every couple of days, no phone calls etc u til things have calmed down a bit.

You and your dp are entirely right to insist on what the paed advised. And until mil accepts that, she won't be having cuddles from ds. His health comes before and wants fro. Your mil.

Stay strong and look after yourself and ds.

[Fleecyslippers]

Let her have her pathetic little tantrum and get over herself. And ignore her in the meantime.

[Booboostoo]

Your MIL is being extremely selfish. The risk smokers pose to young babies is well known and it would be very easy for her to verify the information your Dr has given you. She can't be bothered to listen to you and wants to rubbish your parenting ideas.

Next time she says she doesn't want to see your DS until he is 18 say "fine, good for you". Her loss.

[terrierist]

As a smoker I roll my eyes at some of the smoking hysteria on these boards, but if a medical problem resulted in that advice about my DGD I would be following it to the letter.

I don't know what you can do about this awful woman but I do know she's not my idea of a loving grandmother.

[specialsubject]

smoking is a dirty habit. Even smokers know that.

adults can be dirty if they want, and reek like goats, but not round kids who can't walk away.

ignore her.