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AIBU?

Getting married for the second time

25 replies

Iammyhair · 01/03/2013 13:44

I got married at 18, I knew it wasn't going to work and shouldn't of done it. But we had a 6 week old baby together so thought we should give it a go. It wasn't a big wedding, about 20 people. It was silly but I was young and thought it was the right thing to do and was pressured by my mum.

Now fast forward 8 years, we have been divorced for 5. I'm still young so have an open mind about getting married again having more children etc.

But my problem is other people's opinions on this! Maybe I'm being unreasonable and over sensitive about this but in the last week I've had my mum and sister telling me that you shouldnt have a big wedding for your second wedding, you should just slope off and do it quietly without anyone knowing.....WTAF honestly??? And a very g

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terrierist · 01/03/2013 13:54

If you choose to get married again you should have the wedding you want/can afford, whatever that may be. After all you will (hopefully) be marrying the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with - why should you do that on the quiet?

Tubegirl · 01/03/2013 14:03

Total tosh, it's your wedding do what you want! I'm marrying for second time in September and I'm planning as good a bash as pennies will allow. This time (hopefully) I've got the right man and I want to celebrate. Besides, he's never been married before so why should he have to put up with a small do? Congratulations btw!

CockyFox · 01/03/2013 14:03

I think you get married how you want, but remember that the wedding day isn't the main event the marriage is. I think your mum's view is quite an old fashioned one. I got married at 18, we eloped on the quiet not a soul knew until the deed was done. If, god forbid, anything happened to our relationship and I found myself in a position to marry again I would want to go the whole hog as I do sometimes feel I missed out. That is obviously very hypothetical as I expect to be with DH forever.

mmmuffins · 01/03/2013 14:18

I admit I agree with your Mum and sister. When you get married, you are promising to enter a partnership that will last the rest of your lives.

Going on to divorce that person and then promising to enter a partnership that will last the rest of your lives with a new person is a bit and it seems a bit gauche to make a big celebration of this promise when clearly the first one didn't mean much.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/03/2013 14:20

You do what you want!

At 18 ... come on, who would want to be judged on what they did at 18?!

Patchouli · 01/03/2013 14:27

I think that people with DCs already must have better things to spend their money on than chair covers etc
But if the money's there and you're happy, it doesn't matter what others think.

Iammyhair · 01/03/2013 14:27

But mmmuffins have you never made a mistake? Or been wrong in a relationship? I'm not religious so neither ceremony would be/was religious. It's just so frustrating to have people judge you on a mistake that led to heart break, you think that they would be happy that you were happy again.

As LRD said, I was 18! Everyone does pretty questionable things at 18! But because mine was a wedding, I have to be judged forever? It's so frustrating!!

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Tubegirl · 01/03/2013 14:28

Mmmuffins? Seriously? How can you say that without any knowledge of what went on in the first marriage? She was 18 - I am not the person I was at 18. In my case i suffered extreme DV and my h had several affairs very publicly, humiliating me in the process and destroying my self esteem. I meant my vows, but following five painful years and relate counselling I conceded defeat. I find your comments very judgemental.

Pilfette · 01/03/2013 14:32

I married at 18, 2 kids and a few years later and we divorced. Married again nearly 2 years ago, 2nd marriage for both of us. I was of the 'slope off and do it quietly' view, DH (fortunately) wasn't! Why should your 2nd marriage be any less of a celebration? And mmmuffins my exH was violent - should I have stayed married???

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/03/2013 14:36

I am sure if you and your Dp went off and got married abroad on holiday with no family as witnesses your mum and sister would also have something to say on the topic. If neither ceremony is religious it can't offend anyone. Oh wait a minute...

ElectricalBanana · 01/03/2013 14:38

i got married at 21, divorced 8 years later at 29.

fast forward 7 years and i meet husband number 2. We marry on my 40th birthday and we had the wedding we wanted. We could afford it now (last wedding was home made- marquee in my parents orchard, home cooked food. Was lovely but bloody hard work) and we had a fab time - only 50 guests but we had someone in to do the lot....even had the presidential suite at the Midland Hotel in Manchester. We married at Manchester Town hall and it was the most wonderful day of my life.

i did have a wobble as i thought what the fuck is an old woman like you getting all dressed up and having a big wedding....go for a quiet two witnessess and the cleaner sort of wedding. But hell no.....we went for it!

still together 5 years married....this ones a keeper.

Fairylea · 01/03/2013 14:41

I have been married twice. Once at 25, once at 31 (and 24 weeks pregnant!).

I had white weddings for both. Lovely proper fancy weddings. Because that's what I wanted. :)

Who cares what others think.

diddl · 01/03/2013 14:46

Do whatever you want.

There will be somebody who will bitch about it whatever you do!

fluffyraggies · 01/03/2013 15:01

Posted this on your other thread as well :)

I got married last year. My second, his first grin

Like you i married very young first time around. Very small do. Mostly organised around my mum's taste and idea of what was enough or appropriate.

This time around i had a lovely white dress and a proper ceremony. I chose the flowers and he chose the music. Wonderful day.

(If i had my way entirely we would have run off for a beach wedding - just us and the DCs - but his family would have never forgiven him and neither would my mum!)

OP you only live once. The past is the past. If you meet the right guy and you decide to marry, then the pair of you must have the wedding that pleases you both best. If that's just two of you on a warm sandy beach of a far off shore, a doves and pink horses extraveganza, or a traditional church and afternoon tea - it's your business, no one elses smile

DebbieLovesDallas · 01/03/2013 15:05

It's the 21st century, I think most people are past what you can and can't do for your 2nd, 3rd 4th....wedding. Don't listen to anyone else just do what you want, it's your life.

memphis83 · 01/03/2013 15:18

I got married 11 years ago at 19, split 9 years ago. I am getting married again soon and we are having a big but relaxed wedding. dp has never been married so why should we shy away.
Sadly some people judge. When I first met dp I saw a letter on the side his dad was writing to his brother and it said dp has met a girl she has been married before but seems nice. I was so upset that all he had to say about me, they kept me at arms length even after I had ds and only now once wedding is booked have the all warmed to me like they were expecting me to run off.

Andro · 01/03/2013 15:27

Do what you and your DP want, what is right for one person would not be right for another - and I don't think either perspective is wrong (or right for that matter).

foslady · 01/03/2013 16:39

Suggest when they get married for the 2nd time they can do this, you'll do what YOU want to do thank you very much! (2 x big weddings at 18 and 40)

CloudsAndTrees · 01/03/2013 16:48

I don't think you can expect presents for a second wedding, but you can have as big a party as you like.

FierceBadIggi · 01/03/2013 16:50

Well what about the other person? Dh was marrried before, but I hadn't mean, so should I have got to have a 'big' wedding or not?
I do remember scandal caused by a cousin marrying a divorcee, but that was 35 years ago!

FayeKorgasm · 01/03/2013 18:28

Do what you want and have a wonderful time.

I have married more than once and am not ashamed or embarrassed by that fact. I had a wonderful celebration when I married my DH. And yes, this one is a keeper

Trills · 01/03/2013 18:30

YANBU to get married however you like.

YWBU if you expected everyone to agree with your choices, though. People are very opinionated when it comes to weddings.

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HMTheQueen · 01/03/2013 18:41

I married my DH in a quiet ceremony in hospital three days before he died. I would like to have the wedding I wanted if I marry my new DP. Should that also be quiet as I've already done it once before?

McNewPants2013 · 02/03/2013 01:20

I really don't care.

Marriages break for many reasons, and to me a marriage is just a piece of paper.

I am married, I am happy however if in 1 month 1 year or 10 years my marriage break down, I am entitled to find love and celebrate that love.

The size of the wedding should reflect what the coue can afford, not the amount of times they have been married.

McNewPants2013 · 02/03/2013 01:20

Couple

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