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to join a dating site just to window shop?

(54 Posts)
MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 19:25:15

I wouldn't actually meet up with anyone, and I'm not intending to cheat.

Would IBU just to put up a profile and chat with people?

juniper9 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:58:37

You need to really think about why you want to window shop. For what it's worth, I know what you mean about wanting a bit of attention.

When I was on the verge of breaking up with my ex, I really couldn't imagine that anyone would love me or worship me in the way that he did. I was so scared that I'd never meet another person who I could click with in the same way.

I joined an online dating site whilst still with him (but I hadn't broken up with him as it was long distance and I felt I needed to meet him in person) and I felt guilty about it, but I also really enjoyed the attention from other men. It reassured me that I did have other options, and wouldn't die alone.

TroublesomeEx Sun 03-Mar-13 17:57:49

Is there any harm in it really though?

My stbxh joined a dating site and claimed it was for exactly the reasons you are stating. He wanted an ego boost by chatting to women who would flatter him and make him feel good about himself.

I found out, kicked him out and now he is my soontobeexhusband, he sees the children occasionally he has had an emotional/mental breakdown and is filled with regret and self loathing.

As him if there's really any harm in it.

JenaiMorris Sun 03-Mar-13 17:50:21

Quite how anyone can deduce that the OP is some kind of monster from her posts so far I really don't know.

There's an awful lot of extrapolation going on here.

Anyway, you asked AIBU and you've been told quite correctly that you are. Don't do it.

Naysa Sun 03-Mar-13 17:43:56

Go into relationships and see how many women have been hurt by their DPs/DHs.

Then divorce your husband.

He doesn't deserve to be treated with such little respect by someone as selfish and self centred as you. You sound so cold and uncaring, its repulsive.

Then you can enjoy all the NSA sex you want, because let's face it that's all you're after attention you need.

YABU and you sound like you could do with some councilling and to grow up. wink

JenaiMorris Sun 03-Mar-13 17:01:08

I'm intrigued to see the type of people I'd be matched with.

YANBU for wondering, if you're wondering like I do. YWBU to actually sign up.

StuffezLaBouche Sun 03-Mar-13 16:56:22

In other words, OP, there are some.problems in your relationship but you're too lazy and selfish to sort them out as a responsible adult would?

issey6cats Sun 03-Mar-13 16:49:52

dont go there this is what killed my marriage my now ex husband chatting on dating site and then escalated to texting them then actually meeting them not worth the heartache its still cheating if you love your husband stay away from dating sites,

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 03-Mar-13 16:45:22

Reverse or troll, because asking that question is just ridiculous.

Callycat Sun 03-Mar-13 16:17:48

That's hilarious, Frisor! Drink water and be all mysterious. Got it. Do I have to giggle girlishly, too?

maddening Sun 03-Mar-13 16:05:06

^^ what iamnotamindreader said smile

maddening Sun 03-Mar-13 16:03:20

Address the issues in yout own relationship- if they prove irreconcilable then separate and you are free to window shop.

If you have not agreed to an open relationship then it is unfair on your dh to window shop unless he agrees (and vica versa) - if you suggested this to him would hr agree? Even then open relationships are rarely successful.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 03-Mar-13 15:55:13

Yes there is a real harm in it.

You look, then after a few weeks someone catches your eye or its become mundane agan and you pick someone who isn't your taste so you can be assured to keep them at arms length.

You message each other, then the excitement of the messages aren't enough or you convince yourself this person could be just a new friend.
It develops into an obsession and you are mooning over the site/person and your behaviour starts to change.

you are now either embroiled in a full blown or emotional affair, living in fantasy land oblivious of the way your behaviour is now affecting you parnter and children as you have emotionally withdrawn from them to invest more time and energy in this.

Final stage you convince yourself the grass is greener even though you know deep down it isn't and get careless. Your partner finds out and is devastated at the betrayal, even if you haven't met face ot face or laid a finger on another person you have kept secrets from your partner during this time and treated them like something you scraped off your shoe. You do this to justify your behaviour to yourself, pushing them into reacting so you can run away again into your fantasy when they react negatively.

Your partner is distraught and disgusted in you that you have abused their trust so lightly out of boredom and the relationship breaks down. Your children now have to go through access arrangements and the financial breakdown of a relationship all because their mother didn't have more imagination when picking a subject to entertain themselves with.

Why do you feel this way?
Is it just your relationship or do you feel bored with life in general?
Widen your field of knowledge either through a club, hobby or more education. Take up mountain climbing, sky diving or anything other than this.

If at the end of all this you come back to the point that it is your relationship, try to work on it out in the open together you may both feel in a rut and going through the motions.
If that doens't work then look to end it.

All of this is less painfull than what you are contemplating.

Bunbaker Sun 03-Mar-13 15:28:17

Is there any harm in it really though?

Do you really need to ask this question? So, your partner finds out and maybe decides to leave you. Your children get hurt. The poor soul on the website gets led on and feels let down.

You haven't thought this through. If you are bored do something about it that doesn't involve hurting other people.

corlan Sun 03-Mar-13 15:14:41

frisor - I'm a bit confused by your dating rules.

I'm particularly disturbed by number 17 'Be feminine, remember you are a woman with large K'.

What is my large 'K' and how did I get to my 40's without knowing I have one?

twinklesparkles Sun 03-Mar-13 11:48:16


Enfyshedd Sun 03-Mar-13 11:07:18

A few years after my parents got divorced, my DM had a friend around and the friend goaded DM into setting up a profile on a dating site. Once they'd done this, they started trawling through some search results and found a profile for my "D"F! shock

DM apparently screamed and was all "Get me off this!!! Get me off this!!!", but was persuaded to have a sneaky peek at the profile to have a laugh at the complete lying bullshit of what a lovely caring person he is look at what he'd put up. DM's profile was swiftly deleted and that was the end of that!

frisor Sun 03-Mar-13 08:19:04

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

fluffyraggies Mon 25-Feb-13 18:56:34

So - how would you feel about your DP window shopping, joining a dating site behind your back and chatting with women whom he knew found him attractive?

This isn't a rhetorical question, i would really like to know the answer.

ChewinTheFat Mon 25-Feb-13 17:49:11

Here's a thought, maybe talk to your other half and discuss the problems/boredom.

Yabu btw

MajaBiene Mon 25-Feb-13 17:36:02

teacherandguideleader - you are right, I am definitely bored hence the window shopping. What happened with your friend?

Pickles101 Sun 24-Feb-13 21:21:29

YABU. This would be a very shit thing for you to do, for all involved.

NumericalMum Sun 24-Feb-13 21:16:49

I think this is a reverse aibu. Either way I would say there is something wrong in your relationship. Clearly your partner (or you?) is not giving you (or him?) the right kind of attention. It will only end one way and that is badly.

teacherandguideleader Sun 24-Feb-13 21:12:00

Friend of mine did something similar as she wasn't getting enough attention in her marriage. Soon, the texts weren't exciting enough and she was meeting him.

As an aside, I only go window shopping (we're talking handbags and shoes, not partners) when I am bored of what I have and looking for something new.

HeySoulSister Sun 24-Feb-13 21:10:57

'dating' site or sex dating site?

EllaFitzgerald Sun 24-Feb-13 21:10:16

What a horribly cruel and dishonest thing to do. I'd suggest you spend less time wondering whether there really would be any harm in it and more time thinking about why you need an ego boost from randoms on the Internet.

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