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AIBU to be so tired and embittered?

(33 Posts)
Cassarick Tue 12-Feb-13 18:40:06

I have a son who is 28, he is SN (he has Aspergers).

When he was pre-school and until he was 8 I managed to smile through all the competitive parenting, although at times it was difficult. He went to a special school when he was 8 and it was a relief to all us parents that we were in the same boat and all the competitive stuff stopped.

He has never had friends, a social life, nor mates to go out with or down the pub for a game of darts.

All this time I have watched my friend of 16 years bring up her 3 NT boys, who have a varied social life, lots of mates, get married, live life to the full.

And I have smiled, and tried to not compare, but it has got harder and harder.

Now her eldest son and his wife are expecting a baby and that is all I hear about, plus how wonderful the other 2 boys are doing with their mates and their amateur dramatics and who has won what just lately.

I don't know that I can start the cycle all over again, I really don't. I no longer know how to smile and nod and all the time inside my heart is breaking. I have done it for 28 years and I do not feel I can do it any longer.

I don't want to see pictures of the scan, and know how her morning sickness is, and know she is expecting multiples and how involved my friend is going to have to be every day.

I know I will never have grandchildren. I feel so lonely, alone and isolated.

lainiekazan Wed 13-Feb-13 17:57:58

Good on yer, expat. One gets to a certain age/point in life and the penny drops that you don't have to be polite and tolerant when it's clear that some people don't give a flying wotsit if they cause you pain.

akaemmafrost Wed 13-Feb-13 18:04:05

OP I have two children with ASD and have already thought about all this. I can't articulate the fear I feel for my children's futures, as much of a cliche as it is I try my hardest to take one day at a time and trust that things will work out.

I just want you to know you are not alone.

akaemmafrost Wed 13-Feb-13 18:05:28

I thought that merl0t grin.

I was a bit hmm.

Sugarice Wed 13-Feb-13 18:11:38

I'm sorry you feel like this, I blub at a lot these days but your post is making my eyes water.

Thinking of you and your ds.

expatinscotland Wed 13-Feb-13 18:19:30

Exactly, lanie. I've had friends that long and longer. Being friends, I know the hard parts of their lives as well as the good, and try to be sensitive and not cause them pain. That's what friends do, isn't it? Otherwise, you're not really friends.

Vijac Wed 13-Feb-13 22:02:51

It must be really hard to not see your son grow up and marry as you might have expected at first. It is nice that you have close friends and I guess you wouldn't want her to think she had to hold her tongue all the time but maybe it would help if you also shared your stories-the good and the bad and your anxieties. A problem shared is a problem halved as they say. Maybe you could plan for your future in positive ways too-take up a hobby that you've always fancied, book some nice holidays, get in touch with old friends/rellies or do some volunteering. That would give you another focus and perk you up. xx

HerrenaHarridan Thu 14-Feb-13 00:54:44

I'm glad your feeling a bit brighter op grin
I agree your friend is most likely obliviously hurting you. Either ask a mutual friend to have a quiet word in her ear or better still next time she is doing it respond honestly eg.
"You know dear friend I am so pleased to see you so happy, it really upsets me to think that I'm not going to experience this myself"
If your friendship cannot be bought to a mutually satisfying place then leave the bastard start distancing yourself
You don't sound embittered to me either, you sound like your carrying the weight of the world and need to offload it for a while grin

dayshiftdoris Thu 14-Feb-13 01:00:06

I read your title and knew you'd have a child with SN

Are you still in touch with any 'normal' people (ie other mums who were at the special school with you) - can you get together as they are probably going through the same things.

What about contacting the local carers support?

I want to say that I admire you... you are still there after all those years... you care for your children and your friends by not telling them how insensitive they are. I wish you had someone to care for you now and again because you are very worthwhile

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