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to not like negative 'pet' names in a relationship...?

(21 Posts)
targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:34:01

Can't tell if I'm being oversensitive or not so hoped someone on the outside of this situation could set me right.

My DH gets annoyed if I don't tell him what's bugging me (if something is bugging me). So I do try to open up & he can give good advice/comfort etc but then he has a habit of saying 'what are you?...a numpty/think too much etc.'..
It's not meant to be a put down (I don't think) and the tone is never malicious but it feels like he's trivialising whatever's upset me (and i'm not that easily upset). It's also making me feel like i'm some crazy woman who's always overreacting.

Am thinking of saying something along the lines of 'I appreciate you mean well etc. but it's affecting my confidence'. AIBU?

I just don't like the way i'm steadily growing to feel so defensive & dislike him for it blush

BambieO Tue 12-Feb-13 17:36:17

LTB! My first one albeit a joke grin

He probably doesn't realise, pull him up on it then if he continues LTB

degutastic Tue 12-Feb-13 17:36:17

It wouldn't bother me as I would probably give back worse in jest, but if it bothers you, say something - letting it fester and irritate you will be worse in the long run.

must stop calling my best friend "pudding" for this reason too

nickelbabe Tue 12-Feb-13 17:36:55

you know what?

if it makes you feel bad, then it can't be trivialized.

so what if he doesn't mean it with malice? you don't like it, full stop.

so you say to him "please don't tell me i overthink things or am being a numpty when I tell you about things that worry me. it doesn't make me feel better and it upsets me"

BambieO Tue 12-Feb-13 17:37:50

Posted too soon!

Sometimes people really just don't think, he maybe thinks he is saying it affectionately as in 'you numpty don't be silly, it will be ok' maybe he genuinely doesn't realise he is hurting your feelings.

Can you give a bit more context OP?

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:37:55

That's what I mean...even if I am being touchy, I feel like I should ask him not to (in the nicest way possible) not to, just so it stops grating me so much.
To be honest I didn't bat an eyelid the first time but it happens everytime and makes me feel like a 4 year old girl in pigtails hmm

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:38:30

*repeated not to, oops!

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:40:14

Bambio I think that is how he means it but it just makes me feel uneasy.
(I was bullied for a very long time as a teen so I think I am dead sensitive when it comes to names, which he knows)

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:52:38

I'm more worried that he won't respect that, however well he meant it, which would make the situation worse...

Fillyjonk75 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:53:50

I think you are right to pull him up on it.

manicbmc Tue 12-Feb-13 17:56:15

If he calls you a numpty in an affectionate, patting on the head manner, just reply, 'I know I'm such a numpty, you lovely great big twat' grin

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:57:55

grin love the sentiment...but it'd be a tad hypocritical!

BambieO Tue 12-Feb-13 18:05:07

Ah I see OP, I'm sorry to hear that, in that case I would definitely speak to him about it but if you can, then explain why as you have here and if he is worth his salt he will understand smile

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 18:09:28

I hope so! I know I can be touchy at times, and I've no problem with saying so but it just feels a bit patronising. If I've told him something upset me/is worrying me then it really is, however big or small the problem. I probably should just explain this to him & hope for the best, or it'll turn to resentment and that's never good!

BambieO Tue 12-Feb-13 18:11:49

Definitely smile it sounds like an innocent mistake on his part, he will probably feel dreadful for not realising and shower you with affectionate nicknames forever more!

Sometimes until something happens to you it's very hard to see things through the eyes of others. It probably hasn't even occurred to him you may be feeling this way.

Good luck flowers

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 18:17:53

he really is very understanding usually. (He's never really been seriously bullied/name called and I suppose it's hard to explain that some of those feelings can stay with you silently and make nasty surprise visit when something reminds you of it). He does call me beautiful/lovely (only by text).

Thanks for the advice smile

sudaname Tue 12-Feb-13 18:28:30

My DH told me the other day - quite seriously - that he hates me calling him 'Grumpy' as in he is quite a blunt person if he doesnt want to do something for example - he wont dress it up - so l say 'Ok Grumpy' in a jokey way.
He has now told me he doesnt like it and l have stopped it straight away.

l am going to tell him when the opportunity arises that l absolutely hate,hate.hate it when he calls me a 'dog with a bone'. Thats his 'get out of jail' card when something isnt resolved and he wont talk about it , so l keep bringing it up as it still needs resolving and then l get the 'dog with a bone' line. I feel it is belittling my feelings and/or playing down what is bothering me and is also quite a devious way of getting out of having to deal with it and stopping me bringing it up anymore.

Lets hope he pays me the same courtesy. in fact have got quite annoyed even typing this and if he doesnt stop it l might give myself my very first LTB hmm.

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 18:44:01

hi sudaname
I know what you mean on that one. A previous BF used to say a similar thing, like I enjoyed arguing and just wanted any excuse...couldn't have possibly been something he did that pissed me off that much grin

I felt like I was being an idiot til I started typing my op out & realised that whoever he meant it, it really had made me feel a bit crap!

My dh did also once say I 'weirded him out' when I was looked at him but he was looking away (only ever used to do it for a few seconds, in a sort of lovey dovey way). I just used to do it without I was seriously embarrassed when he came out with that. I did say 'I'm sooo sorry for being in love with you. My mistake' grin.

Oh dear, maybe I am a nutcase wine

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 18:44:31

*however he meant it...OOPS

sudaname Tue 12-Feb-13 18:53:30

Ah well - you and me both Targy then in that case and l'll join you if theres any left in that bottle. smile

It is annoying though isnt it ? I think its that there passive aggressive gubbins miself grin

targaryen24 Tue 12-Feb-13 19:00:02

True. I love him to bits but sometimes feel like I read the wrong man-manual or something. Sure both situations will be easily resolved at least smile

And you're more than welcome! grin

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