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to expect more help? baby is few days old

(35 Posts)
wearymama Sat 02-Feb-13 10:29:46

I need honest opinions, which i know i will get here grin

I had a very long and exhausting labour plus 3rd degree tear. Very painful even to walk.

I am trying to establish BF and struggling so would really like it if i could JUST do that and look after/play my eldest.

AIBU to expect DH to do ALL the housework? just for a couple of weeks til i heal and get feeding established?

Or should we be sharing? he does a little bit(cooking and kitchen) but i am still doing all the tidying and washing and nappy changes. He is off work completely.

Another question does he really need any more sleep? I didnt sleep for 3 days AT ALL which needs a catch up then since being home i am obviously feeding/trying to feed through the night. I have about an hour all together broken sleep overnight. Then i have been getting 6am/7am-9.30am ish of unbroken sleep smile

He has been taking naps through the day on the couch or like now he came up at 9.30am to get "10 mins" he is still asleep and wont wake up til i wake him now baring in mind he has been asleep about 12-6

He hasnt done any housework baby has been asleep. eldest in front of tv hmm

wdyt? let it go or tell him he needs to do more?


noblegiraffe Sat 02-Feb-13 11:15:12

I've also got a newborn. This morning my DH has changed nappies, cleaned the bathroom, got our DS up, breakfasted, dressed, played with, and is about to bake some cakes with him. He has also brought me breakfast in bed and does all the cooking and tidying.
I have fed the baby. That's it. My other job is to recover from the birth.
If something is niggling, like the floor needing a sweep I tell him to do it.

Re sleep, I'm doing all the night feeds, he gets up a couple of times to change nappies. There is no way he would expect me to take charge during the day so that he could go back to bed; he knows he is getting way more sleep than me at night.

And that is how it should be.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 02-Feb-13 11:28:35

I didn't have a husband when I had ds, but if I had I would have expected what noblegiraffe has.
There is no reason on earth that a man can't look after a toddler, cook, clean, shop and change nappies as well.
FGS women do that all the time, and not just for 2 weeks!

YANBU. I quite frankly would have no patience with a man like that.

wearymama Sun 03-Feb-13 01:08:12

well i am glad i asked :D Thanks for the straight talking from everyone i really did need it.

I spelled out what was needed i told him to do the washing (specifically put away 2 loads, hang out the next load and then get dirties together and wash them) he did that and then carried on all day doing bits and bobs. he saw me crying trying to BF and saw how hard it was I told him i just needed to BF and nothing else or it might not work. seems to have kicked his arse!

It annoys me it doesn't just occur to him but hopefully got through to him now

Thanks everyone smile

catladycourtney1 Sun 03-Feb-13 01:19:54

Obviously I don't know your dh but I would guess that he's not purposely being lazy - he's just one of those blokes who need things spelling out for them. I have one myself. He's willing enough to help, but I have to ask him or he just doesn't think about it. He doesn't think "this needs doing, that needs doing, best to do it now or it'll only get worse" like I do, he could quite happily sit there while the house fell down around him. It's a pain in the arse, but he normally does what I ask him to.

Don't let him get away with it in your situation though - you need to focus on healing up and breastfeeding right now. If he's off work, he should really be doing everything, but at the very least all the heavy stuff like vacuuming, laundry, ironing etc, and anything that involves going outside.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 08:25:28

Erm, pretending you 'need things spelling out' is purposefully lazy. If they did that routine at work they would get sacked. They don't do it at work, because they accept their responsibility to be proactive. They do not accept their responsibility to be proactive at home because they think it is your job to tell them.

CatsRule Sun 03-Feb-13 10:38:10


If you let him sleep will he be more helpful?

My dh is such a grump when he has had no sleep but he does more around the house when he sleeps more which is the only reason he is still in bed while I have been up most of the night gor the past week then got up at 6am this morning...he had better be extra nice today

Curtsey Sun 03-Feb-13 10:44:26

Tell him what needs to be done but agree don't get into competitive tiredness even though you are far more tired than he can begin to comprehend. Stay as mild as possible with him but no need to thank him effusively when he does stuff -he isn't doing you a favour, It's normal grown up stuff!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 03-Feb-13 10:48:36

YANBU about him doing all the important chores. Also you should be first priority for sleep. BUT no harm in him having a nap too if you've already tried as long as you can rouse him if you need help. Better that he is well rested and as able to help as possible. Eldest will not come to harm in front of TV but maybe DH could take him out to play for a bit when he gets up. Having a new baby is exhausting and you need to be kind to each other and to yourselves smile

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Sun 03-Feb-13 10:54:18

My Ds2 is 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks I have barely done any bottles, very little housework. The only thing I have reliably done is meal planning, shopping, some cooking, the day feeds and ten pm feed. DP does the two night feeds, housework, cooking whatever he can really. Because we are a TEAM and they are his kids too. Your DH is taking the piss

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Sun 03-Feb-13 11:05:34

Lazy git! He should be doing all house stuff and looking after your eldest while you recover from birth and get feeding established. What does he think paternity leave is for?

I think the best thing to do would be to just stay in bed for a few days - you will get rest and newborn cuddles and he will be forced to get on with life downstairs. And you won't see the mess and be tempted to help.

Congratulations btw. I bet your newborn is gorgeous .

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