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aibu to be upset about dp sleeping with ds (6weeks) on the sofa?

(87 Posts)
honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 08:30:35

Ds (6 weeks) has been walking often in the night this week, Thursday night he was up for tge day at 2am so I am pretty tired. I get up with ds in the week and dp gets up with him at the weekends (after I have breastfed ds)

This morning ds woke up at 6am, he had been up a couple of times in the night so I fed him but he was smiling and chatting away with no chance of going back in his bed. I woke dp and asked him to take tge baby so I could get a couple more hours sleep.

I woke at 8 and went into tge livingroom dp was asleep on the sofa so I went to check in tge little cot we have in tge livingroom but ds wasn't there. I looked again at dp and ds was asleep in dp's arm, ds was in a sleepingbag and under dp's thick duvet.

I took ds and dp woke up, I said to him that ds shouldn't be sleeping with dp on the sofa.

Dp got very defensive saying it was perfectly safe, ds couldn't have slipped out from where he was, he had only been asleep for a short time.

I have said yo dp that if he ever feels on tge verge of falling asleep with ds to come and wake me up or put ds in his cot even if he wakes up.

I'm not angry tgat dp made a mistake, I put ds on the sofa yesterday and he rolled over onto his front, I came back from having a wee and he was crying on his front, I know we all make mistakes I told dp what I had done and said I will never leave ds on the sofa again that taught me a lesson! But dp doesn't see that he was wrong. He is annoyed that I am interfering with his parenting.

I feel like I can't ask dp to help in tge nights as I don't think he will keep ds safe sad

I showed him some sids research and he just said yes but those people were probably drunk.

What should I do? Should I just never ask dp to wake up with ds?

AThingInYourLife Sun 03-Feb-13 17:21:25


I'm glad somebody was finally brave enough to say it.

BertieBotts Sun 03-Feb-13 17:07:54

I'm sure I can translate. He was saying that co-sleeping is excellent, and he regularly sleeps on the sofa still, but never with babies. Only sonic screwdrivers.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 17:00:02

I thought it was an excellent contribution grin

BertieBotts Sun 03-Feb-13 16:51:08

Oh FGS DS!! Sorry grin

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 16:40:56

Sorry, thads =threads

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 16:40:34

Bela - have you read the interfering mother/MIL thads on here??! I'd let your DD make her own choices if I were you grin

13Iggis Sun 03-Feb-13 16:34:19

I use a 3-sided cot attached to our bed. I realised the duvet could trail into his cot, so at the moment I am sleeping in a sleeping bag we have for camping. If I bring him into the bed (to feed or if he really won't settle) he is inside his grobag, and outside my sleeping bag. It's hard to ever feel completely safe I think. If he didn't wake to feed 5 times a night, I'd put the cotside back on.

BertieBotts Sun 03-Feb-13 13:33:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elizaregina Sun 03-Feb-13 12:54:42

at such a young age you dont have to accept anything!

dd wakes up at 6.30 sometimes for a feed - i dont disturb her - keep lights off - feed and back to side car cot.

nothing is in stone babies are quiuckly changing creatures at this age.

elizaregina Sun 03-Feb-13 12:52:31

The materials within sofa cusions can be denser as well - where as if you were sqaushed up agasnt a mattree you may be able to breath

BertieBotts Sun 03-Feb-13 12:43:15

Yes you don't have the duvet near the baby when you co-sleep. Pillows aren't as much of an issue as mothers tend to instinctively put one arm out between the baby and the pillows to prevent them from wriggling up.

Sofas are different from beds in many ways; on one side you have the cushions and gap between cushion/parent which babies can very easily get smothered by, sofas usually have more "give" than a mattress meaning that the adult's body creates a dip which the baby can roll into (it's also unsafe to co-sleep on a waterbed for this reason) and sofa cushions are often angled rather than straight making it easier for a baby to roll either onto the floor or into the gap at the back and become trapped.

Sofas are usually narrower than even a single bed, and you can't fit a bed guard to a sofa Sofa cushions are much lighter than a mattress and move easily which means that gaps can become bigger and easier to roll into.

Finally, all sofas which are legally sold in this country are treated with flame-retardant chemicals which could be harmful for babies to breathe in which is why they shouldn't even really nap on a sofa. Mattresses are designed to be slept on and although they may also contain flame retardants these have to be tested as being safe for people to sleep on.

To co-sleep safely the mattress must be firm and well fitted, there cannot be any gaps, you must ensure the baby cannot roll out either by using a bed guard, bedside cot or pushing the bed up against a wall (again you must check for gaps) - plus because a double bed is much larger you are able to give the baby his/her own space. You must keep adult bedding away from the baby.

BelaLugosisShed Sun 03-Feb-13 12:25:42

I was agreeing that sleeping on a sofa with a baby is dangerous, but I still can't quite get my head around co-sleeping being safe, you would surely have to sleep without pillows and definitely without a duvet? I really hate the idea of co-sleeping so that might be colouring my views somewhat though , I would strongly encourage my DD not to co-sleep when she has a baby, a cot by the bed has to be the safest option.

TheSecondComing Sun 03-Feb-13 09:34:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMorris Sun 03-Feb-13 09:27:37

sm is talking a lot of sense here, although I really don't like the sound of your partner's attitude, honey.

A quick point re sofa sleeping; clearly it is to be avoided but firstly a lot (most?) of us will have dozed off briefly with our baby like this and secondly I have heard it suggested that one of the reasons for an increase in SIDS cases where the parent has been asleep on the sofa is that parents are trying to avoid co-sleeping in a bed and simply cannot stay awake. Drug taking, alcohol and smoking remain the biggest risk parental factors I believe.

honeytea Sun 03-Feb-13 09:26:28

This morning went much better, ds woke at 6.30, dp got up, made himself breakfast and a cup of tea, then took ds, he changed ds's nappy and gave him a little massage, then played with ds for a little while, then he sat on tge hard rocking chair and watched a film.

Ds sleeps great till 6.30 I think we just havr to accept 6.30 is ds's wake up time and we have to start going to bed at 9.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 08:45:55

Bela - beds are flat and firm, sofas are not. It is not overlying which primarily causes the death but baby getting faced wedged between cushions, in squashy cushions, into corners and therefore having mouth covered and not being able to breathe.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 03-Feb-13 08:42:39

I've a friend who works in A&E, she also says sofa sleeping is one of the things that make her most scared, she has sadly dealt with a number of babies who died this way, both in sofas and armchairs.

It is absolutely NOTHING like co-sleeping following safe guidelines in a suitable bed. That is a massively dangerous remark.

HansieMom Sat 02-Feb-13 18:03:42

Two posters have mentioned baby can die by getting between parent and back of sofa, they can also die by getting in that tight area between the back cushion and the seat cushion.

NaturalBaby Sat 02-Feb-13 18:01:56

Did your HV not give you a cot death pack/talk? there's a reason why it isn't recommended, your DH needs make an informed decision about sleeping on the sofa - it doesn't sound like he has.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 02-Feb-13 17:54:18

One thing I don't understand, if sleeping on a sofa with a baby is dangerous, how is co-sleeping in a bed with them not dangerous?
The one and only time I remember having DD in bed with us was when she was a couple of weeks old and I remember waking up in a panic ( had been feeding her) because I couldn't find her - DH had put her back in her carry cot by the bed because I was flat out.
There is always something to terrify us - 23 years ago , the advice was to sleep babies on their fronts, DD would never stay on her front or even on her side and I was worried sick until the HV told me she was fine on her back.

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 15:57:34

in fairness its rare,but avoidable
talk to your dp see what you can sort

honeytea Sat 02-Feb-13 15:54:57

It's so sad that babies have died that way sad it must be the worst thing yo have a child tgat dies, but for them to die because of something the parent did is unimaginable sad

I'm going to try co-sleeping with ds bf in the side position and see if he stops feeding when he is full, one can hope!

scottishmummy Sat 02-Feb-13 15:03:09

how tragic.parents must be haunted by what ifs

HeadfirstForHalos Sat 02-Feb-13 14:46:57

YANBU. This happened to a man I used to work with: His wife was tired and fell asleep on the sofa with their newborn, when she awoke the baby had died. He had slipped between the mum and the back of the sofa and suffocated while she slept. She hadn't been drinking, wasn't on any medication etc. The poor guy looked so haunted when he came back to work, he never blamed his wife though, it was an accident and neither of them were aware of the dangers. Sad times sad

Antipag Sat 02-Feb-13 14:41:37

Next time the HV/midwife comes aroun arrange a time when DH will be there and ask her to discuss the dangers of sleeping on the sofa with a baby. It is not just the duvet that is a risk, babies suffocate by slipping down on between parent and sofa. Perhaps coming from a professional he may take the risk more seriously?

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