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To expect DH to stick up for me and show respect?

(76 Posts)
ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 12:34:49

DH and I have this friend. This friend, Bob, would often have drinks or dinner with DH, usually without me being there - for reasons due to it being a guy's night, I didn't want to go to X venue or whatever.

Bob is known to be a bit of a schemer, smarmy and sometimes underhanded. All starts off well and good - Bob isn't Pinochet. You just have to roll your eyes at him and laugh at the pathetic nature of it all. Still, my DH likes shooting the superficial shit with him and allows him a chance to get out of the house and socialise etc.

It comes to my attention that Bob is saying unkind things about me and even my DH to DH's face! Bob once addressed me in an email as 'Dear blah blah blah'. A few off-colour comments are made by Bob about me. Now, I pointed these out to Dh and said that it was unacceptable and Bob was not only insulting me but also doubly-insulting us to do it to DH's face. Bob has also said somethings about Dh to DH which has annoyed DH.

Dh has Asperger's anyway, but usually takes the path of least resistance: he favoured just eye-rolling at Bob and letting it go as Bob is just like that with everyone.

AIBU to expect my DH to calmly say to Bob, 'errr, mate. That's my wife you're talking about. Please stop' or something along those lines? I don't ask for a fist-fight, but just some semblance of respect. After the insults got too much and DH was refusing to do anything/say anything to Bob, I wrote Bob an email that laid down the law. But, should DH have automatically stuck up for me after e.g. the 5th off-colour comment, or should I have just put up with it/let it lie?

Secondly, DH works with a female, Jane. Jane is perfectly friendly and nice, certainly not a bad person or anything. She's a little too hyperactive and flitty for me to want to be friends with her, but that's not the point. She is also very touchy-feely. She like that with everyone. DH hates people touching him and has said that he is not comfortable when she touches him. He thinks it's easier not to say something to her than to "cause a scene".

AIBU to want him to respect my position as his wife and to, at the least, take a step back from her when she does touch him or even have an informal, off-the-cuff, even jokey light-hearted conversation about how er touching him is not on.

When the three of us once met up, I ended up walking behind them and they were walking so close side-by-side that they were touching. I was really hurt.

Thanks for reading this far.

Crocodilio Sat 26-Jan-13 13:35:12

So what has Bob actually said that's so bad? Dear Blahblahblah is funny. You sound quite easily offended...

thebody Sat 26-Jan-13 13:37:36

Rita sue and bob too.

Op ignore both of these people as they are not your friends but your Dhs.

Work on your relationship with your dh as that's the one that matters

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:41:19

How is 'Dear blah blah blah' funny? It's surely just plain rude.

Yes, it's not 'you fucking whore' or something, but why would someone write that?!

Thanks, thebody, that's a good point that I'll take on board and, I reckon, the crux and solution: if we were stronger, I don't think his not standing up for me would be as much of a blow/problem.

amillionyears Sat 26-Jan-13 13:47:10

I think what you have to consider more is that your DH has aspergers. I dont know all there is to know about it, but it sounds to me like your DH is managing quite well socially.
It may be up to you to gently point out and coax him in a better direction. But I dont think, if I were you, that I would put much pressure on him. But instead, watch his back so to speak. And in that way, be watching yours as well.

amillionyears Sat 26-Jan-13 13:49:57

I dont know if there are aspergers groups in your area?
But you and DH may benefit from going along to one or two?

Callycat Sat 26-Jan-13 13:50:30

I don't think you're unreasonable to expect your husband to stand up for you. I've known several men who let their mates insult their wives, because they didn't to want to lose face with their lads' social circle. It's pathetic.

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:50:59

amillionyears - a great response. I think this is how my DH feels too - he wants to be coaxed and not harangued.

I only worry that if he never ever sticks up for me, I'm going to feel negatively about him. Surely there should be give and take both ways? I don't sledgehammer him into having a jousting match to defend my honour; but he makes some gesture to show me some respect or that shows he appreciates my point of view? Or am I being nuts?

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:52:16

amillionyears - yes, we're looking into support groups and I've been pointed in the direction of a Cassandra thread on here.

If you don't mind me asking, are you in an AS-NT relationship too? You seem quite au fait with this particular aspect.

WorraLiberty Sat 26-Jan-13 13:52:19

I think it's funny blush

I have a neighbour who's a lovely guy...but he makes an entire meal of everything he says.

So rather than saying, "The bin men will be here on Thursday instead of Wednesday", he'd say something like...

"Worra dear heart. The refuse collectors won't be enriching our lives with their joyous, jubilant, effervescence until Thursday of this week due to the intense hyperborean weather conditions we've been experiencing of late."

We call him Mr Blah blah blush

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 13:53:54

Of course you don't find it funny because it was aimed at you.

But as a funny insult, objectively,I think it's funny.

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 13:55:39

Lovely Pinot was called Pinotblahblahblah by a poster who had the arse with her. I like to remind her.
Very funny grin

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:57:27

I just would never go up to one of DH's friends and say 'oi, Blah Blah'.

also, Bob will text DH with the following: 'Greetings dearest Lordship, perhaps we could partake in a spot of Burgundy this Saturday. Regards, Your Serf'

Yes, that text message is funny, but shows that I am certainly not a verbose type like your neighbour, Worra! If I was quite wordy and OTT in speech, I could see why he said it.

It was used in such a context and so out of the blue that it was like he'd said 'Dear Chink Eyes' or something. Both DH and I were so 'wtf?' and even DH thought it was so out of line.

amillionyears Sat 26-Jan-13 13:58:13

No ThunderInMyHeart. But I was a volunteer mentor for a young guy, who had aspergers or autism. The authorities didnt seem to be sure which.

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:58:42

Or it's the same as someone who you know quite well i.e. they definitely know your name and have them mid-sentence address you as 'whatsyerface'...and to TYPE IT?It's not like he just got thrown mid-sentence during a conversation...the man had time to consider it!

WorraLiberty Sat 26-Jan-13 14:00:23

If I was quite wordy and OTT in speech, I could see why he said it

Ahhh yes of course.

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 14:01:47

Ok, to simplify and get this thread back on track grin. 'Blah blah blah' was considered unquestionably rude and wrong - by DH and me.

So, as it stands, DH finds Bob's behaviour less than perfect.

The question really is: AIBU to want or expect DH to just say 'Bob, I find it kind of offensive when you speak to Thunder like that, so, you know, come on, mate'....Right, great. Let's get another drink. Did you watch the football last night?

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 14:02:12

You are misunderstanding me.
It is perfectly understandable that you were offended. It is reasonable and he intended it as an insult so that's fine that you take umbridge.

It's just a funny insult. All insults offend the person on the receiving end yet can be funny . I just find it funny.
I am not negating how you feel about it. It's just a funny insult in the scheme of things.

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 14:03:48

The question isn't 'is what Bob's doing offensive?'

DH and I have no disagreement there.

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 14:06:32

Pag, ok, got you.

I was just planning to show this thread to DH and don't want it turned around on me and have us back to square one as he could easily pick up on some posts and retort 'What he said is funny to everyone else! You're so riduclous to be offended! Goddddd, get over it' or something

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 14:10:37

Pag, so is an equivalent something like someone yells 'you bloody fanjo-face!' or something - because that I find funy, but I'm sure the person on the receiving end of someone saying that seriously would be really upset?

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 14:12:44

Fair enough.

No, as i said upthread, he is being a bit pathetic not pulling Bob up on it.
Do you think he worries that Bob will mock him. I don't mean that he doesn't care enough to raise it but that Bob, being confident and able to voice opinions without caring about causing offense, might turn what our DH is saying to make your DH appear foolish.
Does that make sense?

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 14:14:49

Yep. Someone called a horrible woman 'haunted beef' on a thread this morning. It is a horrible things call someone but, in context it made me roar.
But no. I wouldn't like someone to call me haunted beef.

WorraLiberty Sat 26-Jan-13 14:15:25

It's not unreasonable to want your DH to say something to Bob...but only if you're sure your DH feels the same as you and he's not just agreeing with you to keep the peace.

See this leads me to believe your DH thinks you're overreacting and deep down he doesn't agree with you on this.... DH remarked that 'was it really worth getting upset by him? Had you not reacted the way you did, you could have been out with me having a nice time?'

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 14:15:37

Oh, God, yes. Bob is really so patronising and does put my DH down - another reason why I was so eager for DH to stand up to Bob. It infuriates me that this man mocks my husband to his face, but DH is of the philosophy that Bob isn't a Pinochet, just a social buffoon and he eye rolls.

Pag, have you got an opinion on the second (I think) post: DH blaming me i.e. 'you could have come out to dinner with this group, but because you took offense at Bob's remarks, you missed out'

To which I just thought, 'wtf?! I didn't start it with him. Bob attacked me unprovoked. It's not my fault he's the bully!'

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 14:18:17

Worra, yeah, DH thinks I got too upset by Bob, but I wasn't necessarily upset with Bob...I was getting upset and feeling hurt and demeaned that DH wasn't sticking up for me.

Had DH said 'oi, come on, pack it in' after the first few comments, I doubt I would have had any further problem and the whole situation never would have escalated. It's beccause DH did nothing for 9 months that I had to wade in there with an e-mail to Bob.

In sum, DH agrees that Bob did wrong, but that Bob isn't a Holy Terror, more of a bothersome person who is smarmy and makes an arse out of himself.

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