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to think there must be more than this

(34 Posts)
Samnella Fri 25-Jan-13 23:50:59

I am feeling Sorry for myself and need a moan.

DH works full time and an hours commute away. I work close to home for 32 hours a week so basically just finish a little early on Friday to do the school pick up. Both DCs in before and after school club.

DH is meant to take the DCs to breakfast club but this has started to slip due to him saying he needs to be early. The result is I am doing everything; getting the DCs ready in the morning, rushing like a loon to work, working through lunch, rushing up to school to collect, making dinner, putting washing on, homework, bathing all interspersed with the not listening and fighting and losing shoes, forgetting homework . Etc.

My weekend is spent rushing cleaning and organising. It's me that taxes the car, checks the bank account, buys birthday presents etc.

DH gets home around 8 and does the bare minimum as far as house stuff is concerned. I am just so darn fed up. But I feel trapped. If I reduce my hours I will have to step down, there will be a huge imbalance in the house. DH wants ne to earn more bit less.

Just feel at breaking point.

LondonKitty Sat 26-Jan-13 03:12:05

Definitely get a cleaner. You will get used to someone in your house and it is more than worth it. You simply can't work 32 hours AND do the housework.

He's being a jerk. I don't know what your career aspirations are, but if you do want to spend more time at home with the kids, he needs to be told that a high powered career isn't on the cards for you and he needs to get over that. And fundamentally is he saying that he values nice holidays over a stable family and a happy wife and kids?

I do think many men nowadays seem to have this resentment about being the main provider. Yet at the same time, they don't see the need to share household and childcare tasks.

I really sympathise.

cfc Sat 26-Jan-13 03:28:18

Tell him to start paying you for doing his share of fucking everything. That ought to even things out a little, money-wise...

He'll look back on this part of his life when he's in the sunset of his time on this earth with such regret.

Astelia Sat 26-Jan-13 05:27:52

OP your DH sounds thoughtless bordering on nasty. When we had small children and were both working full time we didn't have a cleaner but what worked for us was:

I kept the bathrooms and kitchen spotless but only did everything else if we were having visitors.
We used
We had one lie-in each at the weekend
DH did the weekend cooking, in the week we all had a decent lunch at work/school so evening meals were cheese/bread/fruit/easy stuff which needed no cooking.
Did reading books in the morning before school/in the car on the way to school when everyone was fresh.
Used a tumbledrier so not much needed ironing, one of us would blitz the ironing every few weeks.
Bedlinen was sent for laundry washing/ironing- collected and returned a week later.

DH wouldn't have dreamed of criticising me for not earning as much as him. He knew I did more of the child care as my hours were shorter and valued my contribution.

Your DH needs to do more and criticise less.

lollilou Sat 26-Jan-13 05:46:45

You need to sit down and have a frank and not too emotional talk with your dh. Throwing money into the mix and talking of Nannys is not the answer. It sounds to me like you want to be more of a mother not less. Talk if you can, perhaps he feels under pressure as the main breadwinner? (Not excusing his attitude though).
As to the school gates thing find out who are your dcs best friends and invite them for tea/sleepovers then you will be able to make friends with the parents too.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 26-Jan-13 05:55:51

I went back to work after 5 years as a SAHM.

I earn 1/3 of what DH does and my job has the flexibility that his doesn't which inevitably means I do hospital and dental appointments, school plays and sports events not to mention the domestic errands: picking up dry cleaning, popping to PO etc etc.

Like you I often feel that I get the stressy end. My hours are PT and arranged so I can do pick up and be there after school. Somedays it is flat out and I wnt him waltzing in at 8 when the DCs are bathed and ready for bed but DH pulls his weight elsewhere:

He is a hopeless cook but will do the food shopping, on a weekend morning more often it is me that gets the lie in, he takes responsibility for the running of the house - sorting out maintenance, organising the cars.

Most importantly he values what I do, my financial contribution and the rest in terms of family life.

I am telling you this not because he is amazing but because this is how it should be and whilst I won't shout leave the bastard his behaviour is dreadful and you shouldn't have to tolerate it.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 26-Jan-13 06:00:53

In respect of the question of a nanny, that is only a solution if you want to increase your hours. If you don't it's a cruel suggestion.

It's also not a solve all solution. We have a fabulous nanny but it takes a huge investment of time to get things running smoothly and is not without its additional issues.

Yamyoid Sat 26-Jan-13 06:02:29

He needs to understand that the contributions you make to the family are just as valuable as his financial one. You are not a shit mum, he's a shit dad if he thinks lots of money is more important than the family's happiness.
Hope you can get through to him.

delboysfileofax Sat 26-Jan-13 06:35:46

Initially I was going to jump to the guys defence and ask whether he was aware how you feel and how skewed the division of labour is. However reading the rest of your post he sounds like a bullying shit.

Is there any way you can book leave at work and take yourself off for a three day break? I didnt realise just quite how hard my partner worked until she went away for a conference. There are just so many balls to juggle and I wasnt even on shift for those days! I dont know how most working mums do it!

Failing that there is plenty of jobs he can do when he gets back from work. Why cant he take the kids out to do the foodshop? Why cant he sort out the household admin when he gets back from work?

Seriously go on strike for a few days. If he doesnt change when you get back then i think you know the answer

MrsMeeple Sat 26-Jan-13 07:40:22

I agree it would probably help your negotiations if you could leave him with all your responsibilities and a list of what he's expected to achieve, in the time frame you have to get it all done, for a few days.

If that's not possible, can you write out everything you do and how long it all takes you, where you feel you don't have enough time to do things properly, and how you'd like things to change? If he sees the full list of what you do, and how long it all takes, maybe he will be more understanding?

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