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To think exP should feed DS?

(85 Posts)
AnneNonimous Sat 19-Jan-13 21:52:24

DS is ten months and goes to his dads every weekend. Up til now I have provided all nappies, milk and food for DS over the weekend. However It's proving more difficult now DS has more 'normal' meals like bits of chicken and veg for him to pick up and eat, fish fingers or toast etc etc.

This weekend I packed pots of fruity porridge for his breakfast and his dinners because I make them in batches and freeze them. But I didn't pack anything for his lunch as its not as easy and seemed ridiculous to me to pack pieces of bread to make into toast or whatever. So I told his dad to just make him something, gave him examples of what he could make him and he said that was ok.

Now I've received a text from exP saying in future I should provide all food as that's what his maintenance money is meant to go towards.

Ainu to think he is being ridiculous and tight? Or am I meant to always pack DS with enough food to go to his dads until he's 18?

LineRunner Sun 20-Jan-13 17:22:04

Sock and littlemiss - absolutely spot on advice. I wish I had had your advice when my DCs were little.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 20-Jan-13 15:58:47

OP, What would your ex say if you told him you had consulted a solicitor, and your solicitor had told you it was not your responsibility to provide what your child needs during xp's contact?

My solicitor categorically told me it was not my responsibility to provide what my DD needed during his contact (as I explained further earlier on).

Can't you just tell him that as from X date, upon advice from your solicitor, you will be sending your child to contact in the clothes he stands in, and nothing else unless it is medicine which has been prescribed to your child?
If he has a problem with this, then perhaps you should suggest he contact a solicitor wrt this issue.

AnneNonimous Sun 20-Jan-13 14:30:59

sock thankyou, your post has given me the kick up the bum I probably need. I've just gotten into the habit of doing what I can to 'keep the peace' but you're right, me doing everything is stopping him from being the parent he needs to be.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 20-Jan-13 14:17:18


I doubt you will find anything absolute written down in law regarding who provides what as it would be silly to have a list.

However you will find plenty on who a child should be able to have contact with, and very high on the requirements is an ability to meet the needs of the child.

If you phoned SS and told them you were refusing to feed your child unless someone else sorted out the food for you, or that you wouldn't provide nappies unless you had them handed to you by the other parent, they would very quickly tell you the definition of neglect.

Do you seriously feel you need a list to prevent yourself pandering to a piss poor excuse of a dad and to help your child have a better relationship with her dad????

You can change the way he behaves by not letting him do so, just stop pandering so it ceases to benefit him.

The reason why maintainance is reduced dependant on overnights with nrp is because it is accepted that during this time the nrp is funding and meeting the child's needs. where contact is 1 night out of 14 the costs are considered to be so small that there is no point deducting them and are the baisic minimum on top of maintainance that a nrp should be doing.

All contact requires is for you to make your child available and that is it.
If you need someone to actually tell you this phone comunity legal advice tomorrow.

You can make a choice to do more,you can also make a choice where the circumstances require it to do more but you don't need to. If your ex cannot manage his life to the extent of making sure he has a tin of beans and a few slices of bread once every two weeks then he is to irresponsible to have sole care of a baby.

By pandering to him you are doing them both a disservice he has no reason to stand up and act like a parent, and your child will learn that dad can't be a parent. And you are not doing yourself any favours

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 20-Jan-13 12:34:58

I'd hardly count once a fortnight as significant enough to deduct any child support to be honest. Could u get a free half hour consult with a solicitor specializing in family law, ?

Seriously if u were ever ill u should be able to hand him over for a weekend without being handed a bill for the inconvenience. Your ex is being a twunt!!!

AnneNonimous Sun 20-Jan-13 12:31:45

Thanks all for replies.

I'm not sure how to approach it to him, he's very black and white and sees everything in who 'should' provide things (ie legally) and clearly can't see the common sense side of it.

Does anyone know if there are any legal guidelines that I can use to tell him he should be providing things for DS? Seems ridiculous that there should need to be any but I really don't want to get into a I conversation about it based on what I think he should be doing as he will point blank disagree and it will escalate.

Can't think why I ever left him hmm

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 20-Jan-13 12:08:27

The parent of my dds friend gets family allowence for her dd doesn't mean I won't provide her tea if she comes over. Fgs how absolutely tight and selfish. U provide everything else the rest of the time all he's gotta do is throw some beans on toast together once a fortnight. Jeez and that's really too much trouble??? Bet what he pays doesn't even come close to what it costs to raise him!!

Groovee Sun 20-Jan-13 11:54:25

My friend had an ex who used to moan that he'd fed the kids at the chippy and she would offer to pay him back. Until we pointed out he had to pay for his own kids as she was paying everything else with no help from him whatsoever. So the next time he moaned she bundled him out of the door and he soon got the message after about 5 or 6 times.

WilsonFrickett Sun 20-Jan-13 11:34:48

Erm, yeah, my DP paid:
The mortgage in full
The electricity in full
The gas in full
The house insurance in full
pocket money direct debited to DSD as soon as she was able to have her own bank account
plus a generous amount of cash (can't remember how much but it was either £100 or £200 pw cash to his X.)
All holidays were with us and paid for by us as X cba
Clothes paid for by us disguised as presents as X cba to clothe her child properly.

Essentially when DD left home and went to Uni, despite paying her a monthly amount to support herself we ended up being over 1k pm better off.

HecateWhoopass Sun 20-Jan-13 11:21:39

I did not say feckless.

I said that they don't pay half the cost of raising a child.

If I am wrong on that, and there are lots of non res parents out there that pay half the cost of a holiday for their child every year. Half the cost of all clothes, shoes, etc. Half the cost of all bedroom furniture. Half the cost of all toys and games. Half the cost of the difference in price between single person accommodation and the home needed for a child. Half the cost of the electric, gas and water one person uses. Half the cost of all food the child eats. Half the cost of school meals, trips, etc. Half the cost of transporting the child. Half the cost of any after school activities. Half the cost of any clubs, groups or hobbies. Half the cost of pocket money... ec etc etc etc etc.

I will apologise, wholeheartedly, humbly and without reservation.

5madthings Sun 20-Jan-13 11:20:13

daddelion no not all nrp are feckless but the one the dealing with is and that is what is being discussed.

The amount of child support the csa say a nrp should pay is crap and they seem fairly crap at processing and dealing with ut all tbh. I dont know anyone who has had a good experience with the csa, even when the nrp is not feckless and pays on time the csa still cock it up.

50/50 care can be great but it isnt always practical and not all parents want it.

Daddelion Sun 20-Jan-13 11:02:52

'The day a non res parent pays half the actual cost of each human being they helped to create - I will streak through the offices of the CSA with a rose up my arse, run up to the manager, remove said rose and present it to them.'

So all NRPs are feckless?

The day 50-50 shared care is the standard I'll do the same, but they'd be no need for the CSA then.

HopAndSkip Sun 20-Jan-13 10:19:33

Next time he's having ds, send a message (text/email) explaining that "now ds is getting older and eating more variety it isn't practical to send all food he might need" then give him a list of suggestions for each meal, a list of snack idea's, and maybe a list of foods not medically recommended under 1, put medically incase he assumes its just foods you don't approve of and gives them in spite.
Maybe provide formula if he won't get through a pot worth between now and 1/going onto cow milk, but nothing else. Also no need to send nappies, just spare clothes/maybe some familiar toys for ds. Poor thing, i wonder if his dad was still planning to be limiting food to what you've sent at 7 or 8!

littlemisssarcastic Sun 20-Jan-13 09:18:16

Haven't read the whole thread, but when xp and I split, DD was a baby. XP expected me to provide everything DD needed when she went to xp's and I duly packed nappies, wipes, nappy bags, nappy cream, all food, bibs, changes of clothes, toys, pushchair, bouncy chair, changing mat, milk, dummies, and calpol when DD was old enough. in case she needed it.
It was getting ridiculous, especially when my car was off the road and xp expected me to travel on the bus with all of this, because he refused to accept DD if I had got her to him via a lift from family with a car. twat
Contact was going through solicitor at the time, so I mentioned this situation to sol and she was horrified!!
Solicitor told me that while xp had contact, he should provide everything DD needed, unless it was prescribed medicine, which we should hand over at contact.
xp had DD 3 days a week then for a few hours a day when he could be bothered.
I told xp that I would no longer be providing all of the stuff DD needed, and that it was his responsibility anyway. He grumbled about it but I stuck firm.
In my case, I think he was just trying to make things as awkward as possible for me.
Sol also said maintenance was a separate issue. If the child is spending 3 nights a week at xp's, then maintenance would be reduced. Maintenance is not paid so you can provide your DC with what they need whilst at xp's. Rather, maintenance is reduced before you receive it for how many nights the DC spend at xp's.
I would stop this now if i was you. It will only escalate imo.

HecateWhoopass Sun 20-Jan-13 08:20:15

And don't forget a bill for half the difference between a single person's accommodation and a family home!
And half the gas, electric etc that an extra person uses.
and half the water that an extra person uses

Such arseholes forget these things. When they moan about paying towards shoes and act like a fiver a week is paying for you to live in the lap of luxury, they forget the household expenses. If you are alone, you can live in a one bed flat, or a bedsit. When you have children - costs more. Where's their half of THAT stuff?!

Makes me so mad.

The day a non res parent pays half the actual cost of each human being they helped to create - I will streak through the offices of the CSA with a rose up my arse, run up to the manager, remove said rose and present it to them.

Kafri Sun 20-Jan-13 05:27:31

Send him all the food to last the weekend along with a bill for half of EVERYTHING else you buy for dc. He'll soon see how good he has it
My dc is only 4 weeks and I've already lost count of the extras I've had to nip out for - tho he does have awful colic so I'm. Working my way through all thr possible things to help (dr browns bottle/infacol/colief etc)

I'm not surprised he's exDP rather than DP - knobhead!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker Sun 20-Jan-13 04:48:02

Agent, he should have been providing that stuff from the start and he should not be telling her what to do. It is one thing to help each other out, but not if someone is going to throw their weight around.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 20-Jan-13 03:05:26

In future don't send any food at all and make it clear it's his job to feed him. Maintenance only reduces if he has him for more than 52 nights a year.....

My XH feeds DD when she is with him. This week she wanted to take some crumpets so I let her but that was her choice.

Although he did send her home at 6.45pm this week without feeding her , after picking her up from school.......

xlittlekellyx Sun 20-Jan-13 02:56:29

Maintenance is worked out at how many days each parent has the child...csa would have already deducted your money for the one night your ex has the baby so really you dont have to provide anything at all for the overnight stay...however just text them to advise them this and tell em that you will not be providing anything for that night. Xx

TinyDancingHoofer Sun 20-Jan-13 02:47:19

It does seem a bit odd that someone can have a ten month old and not have any nappies in the house. Are some men really this bad? shock

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Jan-13 02:35:47

But wouldn't that be using the DS to get back at the DH just as much as he does to have a dig at the OP Spoony?

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker Sun 20-Jan-13 02:32:22

yeah I agree, I think I might mess with him and say that after getting his text I checked and apparently not only do I not need to provide food or milk for Dad's house out of the maintenance, but I also don't have to provide nappies for him either when he is at Dad's and from now on I will be expecting him to provide them at his house.

Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it.

AgentZigzag Sun 20-Jan-13 01:56:21

You're right Sock, and if the truth be known he could just fucking google it and have a look for himself really.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 20-Jan-13 01:53:56

The OP gave a list of suitable foods. Anne, have you got other knobbish texts or emails from this man stating that he won't feed DS or won't change nappies, or making threats? If so, you might have a case for either stopping contact or insisting on it being supervised (on the grounds that he can't meet the child's basic needs and may be abusive to the child).

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 20-Jan-13 01:46:11


The op gave him suggestions of what dd can eat.

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