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To be upset that DP has just called me XW name?

(63 Posts)
PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 18:06:51

I asked a question about whether he had heard from friend who was supposed to be coming to ours tonight. In his answer he called me XW name. I was absolutely aghast and repeated the name. My DS was in room and sort of laughed in shock.

DP was enraged at me! He ranted at me as thought I'd said something wrong. I was incredulous, I said (calmly) why are you shouting at me, I haven't said anything, shouldn't you be apologising? He ranted on about being on the phone to Sky all afternoon as though that was an excuse. He then brought up my XP and said (yelled) that I talked about him enough (this really is untrue, I have no interest whatsoever in XP and never refer to him, I never see him, never hear from him and am grateful). He then said he was going to apologise but I went off on one before he got the words out. The only two things I said were as stated above.

He said that if I had a problem with him calling me that then that was my shit and nothing to do with him. He left the room, I looked at DS, both of looking completely bewildered, DS said "massive over-reaction, I just thought it would've been laughed off."

HollyBerryBush Sun 13-Jan-13 18:50:58

Why were you aghast?

I'd have laughed to diffuse it

PippinWoo Sun 13-Jan-13 18:53:21

I have to admit to very nearly calling my DFiance by my ExH's name but just stopped myself in time before it came out... I think I got as far as the first letter. I can assure you I wasn't thinking about my ExH and really don't have any interest in him any more and totally love my DF. I think it's easily done.

Having said that, your DP's reaction was totally inappropriate and YANBU to be upset with his reaction. I'd be apologising immediately if I'd done that and trying to laugh it off because it was probably an innocent mistake in the first place. Why make it a big deal like he did?

HecatePropolos Sun 13-Jan-13 18:53:46

It doesn't sound like it - initially - bothered her that much.

Saying the name isn't beating her chest and wailing grin

His reaction to her repeating the name is what caused the situation.

Mandy and Jim in the living room
Here you go Jane
shock Jane?
why are you yelling? I haven't said anything, shouldn't you apologise ...


I mean, I'd be doing a great deal of WTF at that!

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 18:56:45

Skull I didn't demand an apology.

I just said "Jane??" as in 'Jane WTF'. He then started ranting and shouting, I said "why are you shouting at me, I haven't said anything wrong, shouldn't you be apologising?" I said this in as calm a manner as I possibly could, so as not to inflame the situation any further. But I was really upset, on verge of tears. I am hurt by it really but I guess that's why I am asking the AIBU question.

If he'd have said straight away "oh shit sorry, I was just remembering/thinking about XYZ". Then it would've been over and done with.

I am the most unconfrontational person I know, I am a bit pathetic in standing up for myself sometimes.

HecatePropolos Sun 13-Jan-13 18:58:29

I would have demanded an apology for being shouted at, Penelope. There was no need for it.

PandaOnAPushBike Sun 13-Jan-13 18:58:31

Fair enough, Panda, but do you then shout at DD for noticing you called her by the wrong name?

No, that bit is a bit weird admittedly. I would imagine it's because he felt stupid and was trying to deflect. He should be apologising for that part.

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 13-Jan-13 19:00:31

She said she was 'absolutely aghast' Hecate.
I call that being bothered.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 19:02:28

Thanks for all this. I can see that me saying "Jane??" probably did cause the reaction, but the reaction was still way over the top. Like I was completely out of order for being upset.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 19:03:52

lady and holly yes I was aghast. His XW is a nasty piece of work.

quoteunquote Sun 13-Jan-13 19:03:55

An engineer I work with occasionally, only goes out with women called Anna, he has been out with three girl friends called Anna, then married two, on the second one now,

I sure he does it to avoid these sort of problems.

bubby64 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:05:53

OP, My DH can react like this, but his "excuse" is that he has High functioning Aspergers, that is the only reason I would accept for this kind of overreaction to your simple request for an apology.

HecatePropolos Sun 13-Jan-13 19:06:32

Yes, I think it's just that my take on 'absolutely aghast' is different. Sort of flowery language rather than meaning she was shaken and shocked to the core, iyswim. grin

I'm absolutely aghast at many things grin I interpreted it as a 'what the bloody hell did he just call me...' rather than a pass the smelling salts moment grin

Not to hijack Penny's situation blush but it's really interesting how differently people can interpret the same words. Same words but we all see something totally different.

HollyBerryBush Sun 13-Jan-13 19:08:44

I have to say, I call the cat by DS3's name - neither he nor the cat seems to mind much!!!

My GM used toi run through every female name in the family before she got to the right one and I find myself doing it now too hmm

Names are a habit, it doesnt mean you are even thinking about the person for their name to pop out

iago Sun 13-Jan-13 20:01:15

I'm at an age when I call my daughter by my sister's name and my son by my brother's (rarer since I see them less)
HBBush My mother used to call the four of us by the initial sound of our names in varying order but the last one she called was the one she wanted. She always made it our fault though adding 'You know who I mean!' Bless her, I miss her so much, especially when people moan about their mothers.
Back to topic. I have been with my OH for longer than my ex, but still have to rip up the occasional card when I write 'Love from iago and ex'. OH signs most of our cards, ex didn't. What I am saying is getting the name wrong in normal routine circumstances doesn't mean he is thinking of/yearning for her.
In the throes of passion, however, would be a bit different!

quietbatperson Sun 13-Jan-13 20:51:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 21:03:15

Ha ha batperson no def not me.

No he doesn't blame me for his mistakes, but that's because he doesn't make any, it's everyone else not quite understanding what he meant!

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 21:10:19

Er, he sounds like a prick. Not for saying the wrong name but for reacting like that, and for never apologising within your relationship.

The sky thing - yes he did a good thing, but it wasn't an act of altruism was it? I assume he'll be watching the tv too!

YANBU. He sounds really difficult. Don't know how old your son is but he sounds a great deal nicer and more mature!

mayorquimby Sun 13-Jan-13 21:12:54

"Your DS has the measure of it,"
as her ds said
""massive over-reaction, I just thought it would've been laughed off.""

but instead this happened
"I was absolutely aghast and repeated the name."

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 21:19:23

Exactly mayor. The OP responded with surprise and basically went, "wha?!"

Then her OH over-reacted aggressively.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 21:20:49

marilyn DS is 19 and is a good lad.

major the responses on here have made me think that my reaction was OTT, I'm not happy, but with hindsight I think I made a meal of it, although it was just one word, the way I said it left no room for misinterpretation. DS's response could well have referred to me just as much as DP.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 13-Jan-13 21:30:27

Ask your DS what he meant - bet he said 'massive overreaction' to your H's outburst. Calling you Jane was a mistake but he needs to apologise for yelling at you. That is completely unacceptable IMO. Don't think this is your fault, of course it isn't. If someone called me a name that wasn't mine I'd be responding along the lines of 'Jane?!' too, especially if it was my H's exW's name.

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 21:33:30

I don't know Penelope. Your OH could have just gone, "shit, sorry!! Aargh where did that come from?!" And grin desperately. Instead he blew up. Doesn't sound to me like its your fault, really...if you really did just repeat the name and look/sound shocked.

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 21:35:14

Yes, ask your DS who he thought was over-reacting, perhaps? He'll have been the most objective person there I guess.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 21:46:15

I've just asked him. I said "who did you think over reacted earlier me or DP". He said "I didn't think you reacted at all, it was really strange how he was over such a tiny thing", then he shrugged.

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 22:35:38

Yes, that's how it seemed.

You and your DH need to talk about why he reacted like that. And he needs to say sorry!

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