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Tell me straight I am BU ain't I?

(127 Posts)
ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 12:38:51

So in the middle of a long standing argument with DP it means a lot to me and it has put me off the idea of having DC with him but alas I am pregnant and now the arguement is needing to me solved.

I have 3DC with STXH and we all have the same surname.
All DC are close in age and this baby will only be 3yrs younger then DC3 which means at some point they will all be in school together.

I want the baby to have my surname a surname I will be keeping after divorce so its the same as my DCs partner doesn't like this and says it should have his.

I dont want my DCs having different surnames and I dont want to have a different surname to any of my DC.

I don't want to double barrell the last name as 1 its still different and 2 all DCs have double barrelled first names and so will this one and two double barrelled names in one name is riduclous.

Now I could understand if he was close to his family (DP) but he has his dad's name who he cannot stand.
I think DP who very much wants to be a family with me could change his surname if he wanted to have the same name as his dc, so why should it be me with a dc with a different surname instead?


Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 13:07:29

I don't think it's fair on your partner at all to keep your ex's nae - it's very selfish.

I totally understand you wanting the same name as all your dc, but life doesn't always work out that way. You have a new relationship and a man who wants the kids to have this name, not your ex's.

I agree that if it was your name, that would be a different matter. I'm all for women retaining their surnames and coming up with compromises for the dc's surnames. But this isn't about that.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 13:07:49

nae? Name.

AllDirections Wed 09-Jan-13 13:08:03

It's the OP's surname, it doesn't matter that it also belongs to her ex.

I would name this baby your surname OP. Although I understand where your DP is coming from but he could change his surname if he wanted to. I would change mine in his situation.

I also think that although it doesn't matter having children with different surnames and/or having a different surname to your DC it obviously matters to the OP.

GuffSmuggler Wed 09-Jan-13 13:08:22

This is totally bonkers expecting your DP's child AND your DP to take you ex-h's surname.

It really doesn't matter in the scheme of things. They HAVE got different dads, you can't cover that up I'm afraid.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 09-Jan-13 13:09:18


There is no good reason for what you are proposing. Why would your child want the name of a man that has nothing to do with him/her?

badguider Wed 09-Jan-13 13:09:45

your existing children have contact with their father so this new child WILL be different in your family as having your dP as his/her father.
i don't see the issue with him/her having a different name which reflects this - if you give them your ex's name then they'll probably wonder why they too don't go to 'daddy's' for contact weekends like their siblings do, when in fact your dp quite naturally wants his fatherhood to be acknowledged.

MsHighwater Wed 09-Jan-13 13:10:05

So, you don't want to have a different surname to any of your dc's but you expect your DP to choose between a) his new baby having your ex's surname or b) him taking your ex's surname, as well?
Of course YABU.

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 09-Jan-13 13:10:57

Compromise. Double barrel the new baby's name.

Doingfine Wed 09-Jan-13 13:11:03

I wonder what DC would choose? My instinct is they might like to have DF surname and enjoy being different from the others.

Just a thought....

aderynlas Wed 09-Jan-13 13:14:47

It does seem unreasonable and could lead to alot of confusion, still think adjusting the double barrell would work op, good luck.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 13:15:09

But that's not a compromise, Enjoy, as the baby will still have the ex's surname in there!

We weren't married when we had our dc, so dc took both our names (double barrelled). I wouldn't have dreamt of telling my partner that the babies would only have my name. They were both his too. Let alone telling him they'd take some other guy's name if I had had kids by an ex!

Life can be messy, OP, and given your circumstances I think you need to grow up, accept that and think about this from your partner's point of view.

ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 13:16:06

I didn't mean for it to sound controlling its just if I'm doing the work and yes he will be involved but as the main carer it will mostly down to me and if we split the DC will still have the same surname.

I understand this sounds silly to some people fair enough you dont have to comment or even read it but it is an issue for me, I grew up with a different surnameto my sister and always got told in school that she couldn't be my real sister as we have different surnames.

Squeaky toy honestly I wouldn't care if his ex had a baby she would be free to call ot whatever she decided.

I am keeping my surname even after divorce so I dont have a different surname to my DCs this is something I decided a long time ago, I don't believe kids should have the dads name unless married and me and DP aren't and probably wont marry.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 09-Jan-13 13:16:25

I would suggest reverting to your maiden name and changing your 3 DC's surnames to match, but I think that would require the agreement of your STXH. Is he likely to be amenable to that? Probably not?

ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 13:17:35

Probably not even though we get on I dont think STBXH will have it.

DialsMavis Wed 09-Jan-13 13:17:57

My DCs have a different surname to me and also to each other, nobody has died so far. I can see why you want them to all have the same name, but it's impossible really and your suggestion is unfair and ridiculous. It seems you are holding your DP to ransom over this if you refuse to have another child with him because of it.

Your marriage broke down and you fell in love with someone else. Why be ashamed?

I am not sure if I will change my name when I marry DP, I would love to have the same surname as him and DD but I don't want DS to be the odd one out. I would never ask Ex if I could change DSes name, he is a complete arsehole but DS is his child, not DPs.

Both DC and DP taking my surname would be the best idea, but mine is a but rubbish anyway!

catus Wed 09-Jan-13 13:20:51

YABU. You haven't thought it through, really.
You want all your DCs to have the same name, that's one thing.
You took your exH's surname on marriage, and gave your DCs his surname also. You then divorced, keeping your married name.
You met someone else, got pregnant. And you want this baby to have the same surname.
Can't you see it doesn't work logically? It's like you want to deny reality, which is that this baby doesn't have the same father. So he can't be exactly the same.

Ephiny Wed 09-Jan-13 13:22:19

I actually think YANBU. It's not weird to give your baby 'another man's surname' if it's also your surname. I never understood this idea that a woman's name is not truly her own.

HungryHippo89 Wed 09-Jan-13 13:22:38

100% YABU Even looking from the other point of view of your ExH would he appreciate your new baby with another man having his surname? My DP has a child with his ex - the kid has DP's surname if ExP went on to have another child and gave this child her ExP's (MY Dp's) surname so both children would match i would be my DP would be going loopy. I can safely say nobody will want this except for you. If my mum had given me the surname of a man that had nothing to do with me I would be changing it when I reached the legal age in which I could do so without her consent. I think your DP should have his surname for his child as your surname is is only yours because you were married.

If you hadn't of married your ExH WWYD when it came to naming the kiddies you already have? Who's surname would they of taken? Yours so that you both had the same surname? Or ExH's?

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 13:24:13

You don't believe kids should have the dads name unless married?!

I think you'll find yourself in a very small minority there. It's unusual for a child of unmarried parents to take the mothers surname, particularly Oslo the mothers surname is from an ex husband.

I really think your POV is odd. You and your sister being teased was presumably a long time ago - things are very different now and there are a much higher proportion of children with different surnames to their siblings.

You seem to be attaching a lot of significance to the surname, when it really doesn't matter. Thousands of women have different surnames to their children. No one really cares.

aderynlas Wed 09-Jan-13 13:24:58

If you can see that your ex wouldnt want to alter his childrens name because its important to him, then maybe you should see this would be of equal importance to your partner.

alisunshine29 Wed 09-Jan-13 13:25:00

My partners ex gave her baby his surname so the baby (not his) would have the same surname as their children together. People assume my partner is the father of all kids and that's baby's dad is step dad as older kids refer to him by name. Having kids with different names is something yo should've accepted before choosing to have children with different fathers.

Pandemoniaa Wed 09-Jan-13 13:26:56

It's all very well having these fearfully definite ideas that you won't change, regardless of the reasonability of them, but you don't seem to be at all willing to take account of your DP's feelings.

You say you will be the main carer but it sounds as if you've decided that this is an adequate reason to treat your DP as something of an inconvenience rather than someone who does have a right to an opinion.

DontmindifIdo Wed 09-Jan-13 13:28:04

the thing you need to realise is that to the rest of the whole world, you wouldn't be giving this DC your name, you'd be giving it your exH's name - you didn't keep your name, you were happy to give it up and name your DCs after their father's family. It's not unreasonable to give your next DC his/her fathers name or compromise on your maiden name. You appear to be treating your current DP as unimportant.

What happened at school is a bit shit for you, but the world has changed, step and half siblings aren't unusual anymore.

Quite frankly, you have taken the decision to have half siblings - if you didn't want to have children who are halfsiblings you shouldn't have done this. Now you have, stop trying to pretend this is just a nuclear family. The youngest DC will quickly learn they have a different dad because he/she won't go off with the others for contact. I assume your existing DCS don't call your DP 'Daddy' but this DC will. The name thing will just confuse matters to outsiders, not simplify it. If your youngest DC (or indeed your older ones) have a problem with or are embarrassed by different parentage amongst the siblings, havnig the same name will just be a sticking plaster over it.

pictish Wed 09-Jan-13 13:28:10

I see your point OP...but when it comes down to it, few men would be happy to have their child take on their partner's ex husband's name instead of their own.
It's not just your child, and it's not just what you want that matters.

I think you either have to accept that your youngest dc will have different surname, or double barrel it.

He is not going to agree that his child should carry your ex's name.

strumpetpumpkin Wed 09-Jan-13 13:28:17

you are keeping your ex husbands surname, and you want your new partners baby to take the surname of your ex husband. Is that right?

And you think hes being unreasonable for not being ok with this???

That actually makes me feel sick for your partner. How horrible. YABVVU

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