got engaged xmas day+im not sure it was the right thing-help!

[help1234]

Please help!
My long term partner proposed xmas day+i said yes. The problem is it was completly out of the blue, to be honest I thought there was more chance of us splitting up over xmas as things havnt been very good the past year mainly down to his drinking too much which has also made him put on weight and become really lazy which has been really winding me up. He was gambling a lot2. We were arguing a lot. He was making a bit of an effort to cut down b4 xmas but not enough. Felt like we wanted different things. We have a dd aged 3 together though. I knew if I said no then it would have been the end of our relationship and part of me really wants to save it, I do love him just not feeling 'in love with him' atm ifyswim.
Now all the family know, are giving us money etc and cards+hes talking about setting a date!
I want to see if our problems are still there after xmas, which I'm starting to fear that they may be. Found out last night he reactivated his betting account online after cancelling it himself cos he knew he was going overboard!
I'm not exited about it like I should be and feel like I'm faking exitment not to upset him, we've had a lovely xmas and so I havnt brought up any problems as its been nice not to argue+wanted dd to have nice xmas.
Do I call it off now+split for good or try and see if we can make it work before setting a date?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

I think you should call the wedding off. Has he told you why he wants to marry you? It sounds like he's doing it to fix massive problems in your relationship. A wedding won't fix or change anything.

[TheFallenNinja]

Sounds like your being railroaded here.

[EasilyBored]

Is there a chance he proposed because he senses that your relationship is about to end and he's looking for a way to 'fix' it?

I think you're either going to have to bite the bullet and call it off, or explain that you want to see him make some proper changes, and stick to it for a decent length of time (At least a year) and then you'll look at setting a date.


Honestly though, if you don't want to marry him, then don't do it. There is no good reason to go through with it if you don't want to, and you may well regret it for the rest of your life.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

What Schmaltzing said. You've already said yes and you don't actually want to split up so I would say that you're envisaging a long engagement during which you expect to see him get his drinking and gambling under control. If he does over, say, the next year then start to talk about a wedding date; if not you can end the relationship at that stage.

[oldraver]

I think he's thrown the proposal in to take your mind off the problems he has and stop you raising them

[oldraver]

Ghoul post was excellent.I would give him a timescale (3 months say) to make an effort with his issues and only then would you think of setting a date, and this should include cancelling his online account immediately.

Though this all depends on whether you have any feelings for him and want to save the relationship

[AMumInScotland]

What do you want? And what do you honestly believe he is capable of?

If you think it is salvagable, and want to put the effort in, then I think you have to take the steering wheel (and the accelerator and brakes!) on this relationship. What does he have to do to convince you that he is serious about changing?

Sit him down and have a talk - you expect him to do x,y, and z in such-and-such a timescale, before you can even consider the idea of being married. You are not going to marry him the way things stand. You are not going to marry him in the hope that it will magically make all the problems go away.

He has to fix things first. Then you will think about setting a date. Even then, things have to stay fixed or it will be postponed/cancelled.

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

Honestly, I don't blame you for thinking twice, drinking and gambling are major issues that would have me running a mile from committment. That he has reactivated his online betting account tells a story in itself.
Drinking problems have a nasty habit of escalating into alcoholism, gambling can and does cause major financial issues not to mention the deceit side of things.