to think its not as simple to leave a very distressed 2 year old to cry herself to sleep

[barmysarmy]

Hi all, I am a mum of 2 children a ds of 5 and a dd 22 months, My dd is currently very difficult to get to sleep, she refuses to sleep in her cot, gets very distressed and makes herself sick at the sheer thought of bedtime, this has been happening for about 4 months now since we moved her into her own room, she usually ends up sleeping in our bed as otherwise she will continue to make herself sick and get increasingly distressed.

I have tried to lay down beside her in her room until she falls asleep but she refuses to give in and I can be there for hours and within 20/30 minutes after she falls asleep she walks up senses she is alone and is sick within seconds.

I have taken the sides of her cot thinking that she may feel less confined but she continually gets out of her bed.

My ds slept through from an early age, loves his bed and has never had a problem with sleeping but my dd is a very different character.

I need to get this issue sorted as I am currently pregnant with my third child due in June.

My parents and various friends tell me to leave her cry but she get extremely distressed and is sick constantly which means a continual change of night clothes and bedding and baths for her as she get it everywhere including in her hair.

Another issue is at almost 2 she is still having night feeds which I know she shouldnt be.

Within every other area of my childrens life, I am in control they are well mannered bright children who do get discliplined appropriately but I am at a loss with this issue, Help!!

[festivelyfocussed]

Personally i could never leave DS to cry to sleep
I think it's potentially quite harmful (although I know lots off ppl have different experiences) and certaily more recent studies show that children's cortisol levels rise considerably during episodes fo "crying it out".
I have been using Elizabeth PAntley's book "No cry sleep solution". (there's a a baby one and a toddler / preschooler one) which has been really helpful.
She has a superb technique for stopping night feeds.
We made some good progress with sleep and fI elt like less of a failure after reading her book.
good luck.

[RedHelenB]

Trouble is with her making herself sick is that it could extend to other areas.

[HappyAsASandboy]

That sounds tough for both of you :(

Since your DD is only two, I would go with positive, praising, confidence building approaches, not discipline and control. At two, I don't think they're sufficiently in control of their emotions to calm themselves down and think rationally about where they are/why they're alone etc.

Some things you could try:

• Spend happy, relaxed times in her bedroom in the day, with no expectation of sleep. But her dolls to bed in the cot and tuck them in together. Read her/her dolls stories, and put the night light and lullaby music on for them. Then head downstairs and do something fun while the dolls sleep. Then go and wake the dolls up, praise them for sleeping well and talk about how lovely they must feel now they've had a nice sleep etc. basically play through the whole process in a bright and bubbly way, with no expectations of sleep, so that the room and going to bed loses its scariness for your DD.
  

• Don't leave her to cry in her room/cot. You want those places to be warm, snug, welcoming places where DD can sleep peacefully. If you do cry it out, or any other 'disciplining' technique, she might learn to sleep in her cot, but she'll sleep there because it is fruitless to protest to tell you she's scared/lonely/needs a cuddle :(
  

I am no expert on toddlers, but in my view, 2-year olds are full of confidence for exploring new things, but they're not equipped to deal with confusion/frustration or stressed parents. You need to find a way to make her want to sleep in her own cot/room, not find a way to force her to do so.

[ledkr]

My dd is the same age and we have been having similar issues for weeks. We have a thread in sleep if you want to join us. It's 22 month old suddenly refusing to sleep.
We have left our dd for a few minutes the last few days but only if she's not very distressed which she mostly isn't. She just dies the moany cry iykwim. I wouldn't leave your dd to cry tbh you are going to have to respond to her distress she is clearly telling you she is anxious without you imagine if we felt like that and nobody was sympathetic.
I find my dd goes through phases with sleep too so maybe that's the case for yours.

[nethunsreject]

Aw, that sounds rough

You're right, it isn't that simple and I agree that 2 is still young and is they still need your reassurance.

Like you I had one super sleeper and one who isn't! Agree that no cry sleep solution has good ideas. Wrt night feeding, so long as you brush her teeth before bed, you can keep it up if you want. If you want to stop, then chek Dr Jay Gordon's gentle night weaning online too.

I've found that I am very slelctive who I talk to when it comes to my ds 2's sleeping as people are quick to give 'advice' when what you really want is to be listened to!

[DamnBamboo]

Aah two is so young and she just wants her mum.
I could never do it with mine so I don't blame you.

I dont' think I have any useful advice for you since mine all periodically end up in my bed but since neither myself nor my husband mind, it's not an issue for us.

Hope you get some good advice on here, you surely will.

[grumblinalong]

Hi. I'm now a Sleep Counsellor after having a child who didn't sleep and its also connected to my job. Have you looked at your 'sleep hygiene'? A consistent routine from 5pm that includes all screens off an hour before bed and quiet play. No pyjamas downstairs, a regular bath time (we recommend every night). Minimal toys and distractions in bedroom. Use a 'key phrase' every night at bedtime e.g sleepy time. Use at night wakings too. Use robotic parenting. No eye contact, cuddles etc just your presence and Google gradual or phased leaving.

You can take control of this part of your child's life. Sleep is a behaviour that needs some careful teaching for some dc's. It's like sharing or weaning some find it easy, others just need more guidance! Good luck.

[VisualiseAHorse]

That sounds like hard work - while I agree with a little bit of 'crying it out', there's a BIG difference between letting a baby mumble and moan their way to sleep, and letting a baby cry so much they vomit.

I love Happy's idea of putting dollies to bed, and then going to wake them up. Do you think she might also sleep better if she was in the same room as her brother?

[NaturalBaby]

My 23 month old is my 3rd dc and I couldn't cope without all dc's sleeping well, I had big issues with dc1 which I eventually sorted when I got pregnant again so I see where you're coming from.

My HV helped me through sleep training - I had to pretty much turn on the tears and tell her I was at my wits end but she then did a visit and drew up a plan for us. We had to stick to it to the letter every time ds needed a sleep and it worked within 10 days.

Could your dc's share a room? Ds2 had a meltdown when we moved the cot away from my side of the bed across the room but was very happy to be in his big brothers room. They listened to a lullaby cd and had a night light show to watch and were opposite each other giggling at each other.

[Kveta]

my DS was like this - he had recurrent ear infections though, as it turned out - would be worth getting her checked for something like that?

we finally got him to go to sleep by the gradual withdrawal technique, and by leaving a light on on the landing - he will not sleep in the dark at all. even the gro clock is not light enough.

we also night weaned him around this age, which DH got involved in - offering water every time he woke. took a couple of weeks though...

you have my sympathies; we couldn't leave DS to cry, as he would throw up if left for more than a minute, and took forever to calm down if we did let him cry.

[oldpeculiar]

The thing is, by not sticking to your guns, you have taught her to cry and you will give in.
Tantrumming toddlers can and do 'train' themselves to vomit if they think it will get them their way.This is the case I think with your child because you say she vomits on cue within seconds of realising you are not there.
Staying in the room with her, nightlights etc is just reinforcing the idea that going to sl;eep by yourself is something tio be afraid of.You need to toughen up!

[abbierhodes]

Oldpeculiar, what advice are you giving the OP? It's just that you seem to have missed it out of your post.

[NaturalBaby]

'You need to toughen up' what a very sad way to view a parents approach to such a young child.

[Crawling]

Just to say try not to stress too much I got a bed nest for dc3 and let dc2 stay in the bed on the opposite side it is working fine I will now move them out together so they will be less distressed and will still be in the same room together. Now dc3 is one they both sleep in my bed.

[Acepuppets]

My suggestion is completely the opposite to the rest of advice given here but has worked for me. I have never put my son to bed with the understanding that he has to go to sleep straight away. When he goes to bed he has a couple of teddies and a book to look at then he chatters to himself and goes to sleep himself. This means that there is never any tension at bedtime and he is always asleep an hour after I leave him - he goes to bed at 6.00 pm and sleeps for 10-11 hours and rarely wakes up unless he is ill. His bed still has the sides on it and he is no rush to escape because he likes his bed. We have stuck to a simple routine that can be followed even if things are different during the day - he appreciates his down time and doesn't see going to bed as a horrible event. I always say that he doesn't have to to sleep straight away and the reverse psychology seems to work.

Good luck - try to avoid bedtimes becoming a battle of wills.

[alemci]

yes but I can see Old peculiars point. If you are having another baby you need to sort this out and maybe a bit of tough love.

Maybe a controlled crying approach but I wouldn't lie down with her. don't give her night feeds and if she vomits change her but hardly speak, talk very quietly and firmly to her. Grumbling gives very sensible advice.

have you got a dp who will do some of this so you can have a break?

[neolara]

I had a dd like this. What we did, on the advice of a local sleep clinic, was start off by lying next to her to get her to sleep. The next day, I lay next to her but an inch further away from her. The next day, I edged an inch further away. The next day I sat on the edge of the bed. The next day I sat an inch further away again. Etc. Basically, I inched myself away from her night by night until I was out the door. She protested, loudly sometimes but she did get used to it, and I also felt OK about it, because she wasn't being abandoned - I was right there next to her just making the gap ever so slightly bigger each night.

[PastaDee]

Another fan on Elizabeth Pantly. She helped me with my DD's total lack of nap problems when I was ready to put my head in the oven.

EP helped me with the practical things I could do to sort DD's naps and helped me get over how upset and desperate I was getting about it all.

If I ever met her the poor woman would have to listen to me gush about her and ask if I could hug her.

Sympathies to you though. I know how you feel.

[maddening]

Ds is 23 mths and still feeds to sleep and in the night.

We have a toddler bed for him but he cosleeps with me on a mattress on his bedroom floor.

At the moment he role plays going to sleep and I try and encourage him but we are still cosleeping - am or the opinion he will get it eventually. Considering trying dr jay gordon for night feeds but he has started going through more so hopefully no need.

I do leave him asleep on the mattress till my bedtime but would go straight to him if he woke as he would be upset.

I have found it more relaxing doing it this way and definitely think he'll get in to his own bed soon - he is keen to role play going to bed whereas he hated the cot.

[MummytoMog]

Can you pop her in with DS? My two occasionally room in and they love it.

[Mosman]

I got DH to sleep with my 2 year old to break the mummy/boob habit and as it happens they sleep together beautifully and I sleep really well in the spare room - this is happening around the world every night, this whole idea of toddlers sleeping on their own for 12 hours is unrealistic IMO

[izzyhasanewchangeling]

Take her in your bed - startf sleep there and move her?

Mine (2 and 4) won't sleep alone so I got them bunk beds.

New baby here too.

I won't leave them cry - Fri/sat/hols they have a DVD rest of tiMe just stories.

[acceptableinthe80s]

I could never let ds cry either, he had severe reflux and would start projectile vomiting within about 30 seconds of starting to cry. We co-slept for 2 years and when the time came to reclaim my.bed I used the much gentler method of gradual retreat. It worked very quickly and not a tear in sight. We did however have an established bedtime routine in place first.

[barmysarmy]

Thanks all, all your advice is very valid and helpful before I had my child I used to be a little bit smug about how my son had no sleeping issues and then along come my DD who has left me baffled and needing advice, thanks again. Will get that book some of you reccomended also.