aibu to be cross/sad with dh

[concernedrose]

DH had a serious illness some years ago, which completely changed his ppersonality from being life and soul of party to someone who finds social occaisons very difficult. Therefore, my life has changed too, in that if i go anywhere, i go on my own, also, we rarely entertain, generally its only family. Some times i feel he is being very selfish, and should make the effort, but he seems to resent his time being spent entertaining other people. Dsis, her family, and Dparents have been here for the day. Dsis is very domineering, bossy, and continually goes on about her affluent lifestyle, what she does etc, is very critical of people who dont conform with her norms, but she is obviously the favourite daughter. Dsis has not been nice to us over the years. I forgive and forget for sake of Dparents, who are elderly and have no knowledge of her attitude to us, but DH cannot. Consequently he makes little attempt to socialise, and sits reading the paper, although he happily did all the cooking/washing up/clearing up, as was getting more and more wound up by Dsis and was happier on his own in the kitchen, albeit doing all the jobs. AIBU to think he should make the effort in socialising, or do i accept this is who is is now. I feel so sad, (and angry) that his unsociability has impacted both our lives.

[PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah]

Your sister's a bitch to you, your husband doesn't like it but keeps his trap shut for your sake?

Sounds like your sister's the issue you need to look at here

[HollyBerryBush]

Why would anyone want to socialise with yoru sister? You paint an awful picture of her.

[ChristabelChristmas]

Perhaps his illness has traumatised him in some way and taken away his confidence. I suffered a health scare last year and find that I'm much less bubbly and outgoing and I suffered with depression as a result of it too. Being made aware of your own mortality and vulnerability doesn't do wonders for your confidence and mood. I would maybe consider the fact that he is struggling and address that. In short, I do think YABU but I'm not saying it in a nasty or judgemental way!

[BackforGood]

From the picture you've painted, surely it's your sister's attitude you should be tackling, coming to your home and being bossy and rude. It sounds to me like your dh was extremely forgiving, helpful, and diplomatic in keeping out of her way.

[Pandemoniaa]

It sounds to me as if the problems lies entirely with your sister. Your dh may have problems socialising but he sounds remarkably tolerant of her given what you've told us.

[Binfullofgibletsonthe26th]

Bless him, he sounds like a saint!

[Imabadmum]

I think, from what you say, that YABU, and that you probably think so too.

Your dsis sounds like in an intolerable PITA, and I dont think you can blame your DH for escaping to the kitchen. I would have. Maybe he has come across as rude in front of your family, but you know and understand his reasons. If it was his dsis or db, who was such a pita, would you bite your lip time after time, year after year?

Perhaps you need to talk to him about how his illness has affected him, get everything out in the open, even counselling if he's not a 'talk about his feelings' kind of guy. and accept that maybe he is altered forever, life changes you.

Best wishes, I hope everything works out for you, I really do xx

[MammaTJ]

DH sounds perfect, 'D'Sis sounds like the one with the problem. I am as sociable as they come but would not want to socialise with her.

[yohohoho]

serious illness does change people.

Yabu. Your sister is a bitch and you are moaning he doesn't want to socialise with her and your parents enable her and he doesn't want to socialise with them either. Not surprised.

If dhs sister came into my house and acted like you have described. Dh wouldn't have her back.

[LetsKateWin]

I don't blame him at all. Imagine how you'd feel about her if you weren't related by blood...

[fairylightsandtinsel]

my DH can be just like yours and he has no excuse! its unfuriating and sometimes embarrasing but I think if yours is to some extent covering it by being busy, then I'd not give him a hard time. mine tends to use the kids as "cover" and play with them instead of gazing into the middle distance with a frown on which is hat he'd do otherwise

[Petsinmypudenda]

I wouldn't want to be near your sister, she sounds like a nightmare

Yabu

[mrsjay]

your sister sounds a pita and no wonder he doesn't want to be near her I wouldn't I dont like my BIl neither does my dh so much they dont speak now bit god how i used to dread family occasions, at his sons christening I was your husband in the kitchen avoiding him and his loud obnoxious mouth,

fwiw my dh isn't social he finds people overwhelming so I understand how hard you find your husband but let him just do what he is doing it isn't the end of the world and if he is busy and doing other things he isn't being awkward and sitting looking bored or uncomfortable,

[SantasENormaSnob]

It's your arse hole of a sister that's the problem.

[Kinnane]

concernedrose, I agree with Mrsjay when she says about your husband "... he finds people overwhelming so I understand how hard you find your husband but let him just do what he is doing it isn't the end of the world and if he is busy and doing other things he isn't being awkward and sitting looking bored or uncomfortable, ...." One good thing at least he is with you. I think you will have to make the best of it in going out socially. It is hard to do I know

[grrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

I agree with others that have said its your sister with the problem.

[EuroShagmore]

Your sister sounds like an utter cow. Don't subject your poor husband to her company any more.

[ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas]

What is your dh like if someone nice comes to the house, say one of your close friends?
Agree with everyone else about the sister, but wondering if he'd be any different with others. Must be hard-going for the OP.

[doingtwelvethingsatonce]

I'm curious. If your DH had a sibling that was horrible to you, wouldn't you expect him to step in and tell the sibling to stop behaving badly?

I think it's time you stepped up and stood up for your DH in this instance. Tell her to be kind or be gone, basically.

[LouisWalshsChristmasCloset]

YABU

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

He sounds great. Your sister on the other hand...

[HecatePropolos]

Why should your husband be so forgiving of your, frankly, horrible sounding sister?

Why should she be allowed to treat people with contempt?

[Anniegetyourgun]

So in fact what you find hard to forgive is that he escaped and left you dealing with the difficult guest. Which is a bit mean, but you say yourself that since being ill he's been less able to cope with that sort of thing. So maybe some slack should be cut. How about, for example, not inviting her to visit? Ever? That would make you both happy. (Parents don't have to know if nobody tells them.)

[Proudnscaryvirginmary]

My dh's brother is a PITA.

Aggressive, sexist, the 'big I am', never talks or asks about anyone or anything but himself.

After 18 years of this, I now choose only to speak to him if I'm in the mood or he's actually said something halfway pleasant or interesting or if I'm drunk.

My dh totally understands and supports any strategies I have in dealing with him which is generally benignly ignoring him like your dh does - by that I mean, not being frosty or flouncy, but just not engaging in conversation with him or commenting on the lastest shite that comes out his mouth.

YABU.

[Kirk1]

Your sister sounds like the female version of Harry Enfield's character "I'm considerably richer than yeow" Perhaps your DH has realised that life is too short to spend it tolerating people like her. There are people in my former circle of friends like that and they are more effort than they are worth. I dropped them, but your poor DH doesn't have this option so he's coping the best way he can. She's your sister, you could call her on her behaviour, or just refuse to socialise with her. I'm sure your DH would thank you for it....