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AIBU?

To be upset by this?

15 replies

BubblesAndBeans · 25/12/2012 20:53

My dh and i get along very well with our neighbours. We have known them for about 3 years and beginning of this year each had our first baby within weeks of each other. Our babies are different (as no 2 babies are the same) and there are things that went smoothly for them that we struggled with and vice versa.
We share a lot of our experiences honestly and openly and knowing that you are not the only one tht sometimes struggles has really helped us on many ocassions over the past year.

Today dh went over to their place to check on the husband and to ask uf he wanted to joinus for dinner. We had previously mentiobed he was more than welcome to join us whilst his wife and son were away over christmas. We just wanted to make sure he knew he could come over any time he wanted.

As dh knocks and waits at the door for him to open, he hears him on the phone. He is just about to walk away when he hears neighbour say: she was born on .... followed by our dd's date of birth. This grabs my dh attention. Neighbour the continues by mentioning several things we struggling with (i.e that we dont like going to far as dh is ina phase where she hates sitting in car seat), etc and how him and his wife are so grateful their child isn't like our dd.

My dh was so disappointed by all the comparing that was being done and by the fact that things we had shared with them, were now being relayed to all their friends.

AIBU to be upset by this?

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BubblesAndBeans · 25/12/2012 20:55

Just to clarify, i am upset by what the neighbour said, not the reaction of my dh.

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Feminine · 25/12/2012 20:55

Well of course you should be upset!

How weird.

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TheSecretCervixDNCOP · 25/12/2012 21:00

No need for it is there, I hate it so much when people turn parenting into a competition. My SIL does it all the time comparing her son to my daughter.

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KellyMarieTunstall · 25/12/2012 21:00

YABU .

Im sure you compare other babies to yours even if you dont compare with the neighbour baby. No malice is intended by this . Its human nature to compare your own children favourably to similar others.

Let it go.

Im sure he would be mortified that your DH overheard his conversation.

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DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 25/12/2012 21:28

Yanbu. It's your child he's talking negatively about, of course you're going to be upset.

FWIW - 3 of my friends (some closer than others) and I had our first babies around the same time. Whilst I may have opinions/feelings about some of their behaviour/personality traits, I wouldn't dream of talking about them behind their backs with a complete stranger (our anyone else).

Under the circumstances I think you'll have to let it go, but I'd probably be confiding in them a bit less in future.

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TheMonster · 25/12/2012 21:34

Did your dh still ask him over?

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BubblesAndBeans · 25/12/2012 23:02

My dh bumped into him later and asked him then. He had made other plans so didnt come over in the end.

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DoJo · 26/12/2012 00:25

I don't think it's necessarily that bad although I can completely understand why it's hit a nerve. I sometimes mention to my mum eg how lucky we are that our son doesn't have reflux as a few babies we know do, or that if he was unable to sleep in the car like a friend's child, we would have a lot more trouble arranging our lives. There is competitive comparison and then there is stuff that you don't think about until you know a baby who is completely different and then it's only natural to be grateful/jealous that your child isn't the same. If he'd been saying that he wished his child slept through the night/took calpol without screaming/didn't mind milk direct from the fridge, would that bother you?

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DaisyBuchannan · 26/12/2012 00:41

YANBU, backstabbing, storing up your confidences for future, ego bolstering sessions. Avoid.

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SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 26/12/2012 00:43

well he didn't know your DH was listening so he wasn't trying to upset either of you. he thought he was having a private conversation and i dont beleive that anyone has never said negative things about someone else to other people even if it's just "thank goodness i dont have their problems". and really, what's so wrong with him saying he is gratefull his DD isn't like yours if your DD is going through a difficult phase. he's hardly going to wish he was going through it too is he? i think you're being too sensitive. not everyone will like your child but they wont tell you this, and this guy didn't either, your dh just happened to overhear a private conversation between him and someone else (maybe his mother who he confides in!) dont tell me you dont confide in others and say things you know the person you are talking about wouldn't like to hear about themselves.

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dinosaurinmybelly · 26/12/2012 00:44

I think it is completely natural to be upset, but please try to put it to the back of your mind for 2 reasons:

(1) In my view, the people who do compare their child to others and like to relay details of how other babies are doing x and they are so glad theirs isn't, are actually more insecure about their DC than they are letting on. The problem is theirs, and you should feel sorry for them.

(2) Your babies are still in the early stages of development and you will laugh about these issues this time next year.

You sound like a lovely family. Please don't change your behaviour because of this incident.

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firemansamisnormansdad · 26/12/2012 01:02

Why are the wife and son away without him for baby's first Christmas?

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ThreeWheelsGood · 26/12/2012 01:32

YABU - he said he was grateful they weren't having some of the challenges you're facing. We just had a baby, so did one of my DP's friends. We're grateful our baby doesn't have colic, theirs does, and we feel really sorry for them, puts the occasional fussiness we have from our baby into perspective

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zippey · 26/12/2012 01:39

Try not to be upset - the neighbor obviously didnt want the call to be overheard. The things he said were all true and lets face it - Im sure you wish that your kid wouldnt kick up a fuss when going into a carseat. He isnt lying or anything. Just relaying fears.

Its also natural for you to be upset but Im sure he meant no harm.

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BubblesAndBeans · 26/12/2012 03:36

The different opinions have shown me there are different ways of looking at it and it has taken the edge of my disappointment. Will try to just leave it behind me (hope dh can do the same) and share a little less in future.
Really hate this has happened because both me and dh are not from this part of the uk originally and the neighbours are the closest friends we have here.