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partners time with children

(11 Posts)
feekerry Thu 29-Nov-12 09:35:14

What is reasonable/unreasonable in your house hold???
my lovely dd is nearly 8 months old. I'm still on maternity leave but not for much longer. Obv daytime is my time with dd but i am at the point now where i could just do with a proper break in the evenings or weekends.
Dh does look after her for a couple of hours on a sat or Sunday so i can see my horse but that's about it. Used to be couple of hours sat and Sunday morning but increasingly it seems to end up being just sat or Sunday.
I think its the fact he never offers. I always have to tell him in advance he'll have dd for a bit and suggest things for them to do. Inevitable he always almost ends up taking dd to see his mum. But they never go anywhere, he just takes dd to see her. They Will always be home by the time i get back. When dd was tiny he used to say he couldn't wait till dd was a bit older and he could take her out for the day..... Hmm chance would be a fine thing.
Would just love him to say " me and dd got plans this weekend" or something.
Last weekend i took dd away to my parents all weekend. So he had all weekend to himself. This weekend I'll be lucky to get 2 hours to myself.
I Will add dd is ebf on demand and never taken a bottle but has some solids now and Will take a cup of ebm so quite capable of spending a bit of time away from me....

hygienequeen Thu 29-Nov-12 09:43:46

I used to pull my hair out over this one ... been with my DH for 16 years and have 3 DS. One day he said " i'm not a mind reader hygiene, you need to tell me what you want " i am now very clear about what i need and expect from a equal partnership and he's the same. < although i don't do everything he expects > grin

AmberSocks Thu 29-Nov-12 09:46:38

I have 4 kids and they are 4,3,2 and 7 weeks.My dh takes the older 3 out on a sunday,to the zoo,farm,etc.Occasionally he will take them to his family in plymouth for the weekend(we live in west sussex)but i like going too so usually we all go.
I think you have to ask,espescially at that age and being ebf,he probably wouldnt think to just make plans on his own with your dd.

Shellywelly1973 Thu 29-Nov-12 09:50:42

My dp has never initiated taking the dc out. It used to really upset me, that he didn't want to, so i started by saying suggesting things they could do and when i wanted to take them out.

I thought it would get better as they got older but it hasn't.

I would speak to your dh & come up with a solution your both happy with. I wish i had done this 11 years ago, it was one of the reasons we ended up parting.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thu 29-Nov-12 09:53:57

My DH is brilliant but then as it is his DS as well as mine I dont see why he shouldn't be.

I have a fair few hobbies and go out and about a fair bit. We have a calendar in the kitchen where all the activities get written in so we can see what eachother has planned. On the nights I go out I dont ask or wait for DH to offer (How can he offer to look after his own child) - I just go.

To be honest, I dont think out set up is unusual - more unusual surely for a dad not to pitch in and help look after the kids.

redskyatnight Thu 29-Nov-12 10:16:25

I agree you should just say that you'd like a few hours to yourself. He's not a mind reader. Of course it would be nice if he would spontaneously offer, but he perhaps doesn't realise how draining it is to look after a baby all the time or thinks that you would rather spend time as a family.

I don't see a problem with him taking DD to see his mum - sounds like a good opportunity for some grandmother/granddaughter time.

An 8 month baby doesn't really need amusing as such, you may well find that he is more pro-active when he can actually "do" something with her.

Also, how often does he get to himself? Normally on MN it's suggested that both parents should get equal time? Does he go out in the evenings/weekends?

feekerry Thu 29-Nov-12 10:53:00

I always make sure that if i get a couple of hours to see my horse then the min i'm back i take dd for at least 2 hours so he can do his own stuff. I always always offer to take her out etc so he can have some man time. I'm just a bit annoyed today as he announced earlier that he was doing some man thing pretty much all Sunday day and sat were out as a family so that'll be another weekend where i won't get a min to myself. I also do nights which i don't mind as still on maternity. dd has just started crawling and is bit cling at the mo so i suppose i notice it more now than ever. I said the other day why don't you and your mum take dd out at weekend for lunch or something as mil would love that and i could get a bit of time. He replied that no its okay, I'll just pop into see her and i'll be back within the hour. Which he was....

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 29-Nov-12 10:58:42

I think you are expecting too much if you haven't told him that you want more time to yourself. You are expecting that he should be able to read your mind and to just offer, and then getting frustrated because he doesn't.

He might be quite willing to have dd for longer if you spell it out to him that that's what you want. How do you think he would react if you told him next Saturday you would be out all day?

Personally, I would have felt a bit weird about it if my dp had suggested taking my ebf'ed ds out all day when he was only 8 months old, so there isn't a right answer that your DP should be expected to know.

You have to make it clear to him what you want him to do.

wanderingalbatross Thu 29-Nov-12 11:02:44

When I was on maternity leave I had to spell it out to my DH. He was often around to help, but i really needed him to take over for some time so that I was off-duty for a few hours. We decided that he would be in charge for particular set times and that's worked well for us ever since. We're flexible, and if things come up then we switch around, but we have mostly stuck with the arrangement.

It's now much easier as I'm back at work so have some time away from DD anyway, and now she's older she's less clingy and much more independent. Meaning that DH can do nights, as for a long time she wouldn't accept him past bedtime! Also, from 8-11months she ate a lot more food and started to need a lot less bfing, which helped a lot.

feekerry Thu 29-Nov-12 11:05:00

Ye hear what your saying. I wouldn't want her gone all day just a few hours would be nice.
Ye I'm just going to go down the I'm going out next weekend for few hours and he'll just have to think of something for them to do.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 29-Nov-12 11:07:20

Go for it! Good luck smile

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