AIBU to be irritated with my mother(14 Posts)
Name changed to protect my RL identity.
I told my mother today I had booked a nurses appointment for next week and would be leaving work a bit early, my work is pretty flexible and I was just using this as an example of this. Her response was "Oh you shouldn't have told them that you do realise they'll think you are pregnant now." This is irritating because she said it like me being pregnant would be a bad thing, I've been trying for two and a half years and its not happening, in fact my bosses are aware of this and far more sympathetic and encouraging about it than she is. One of them spent a long time ttc and so he's always encouraging me to seek out all the medical advice and help thats available.
She knows I really want to get pregnant but she's always acting like I shouldn't try because it might be inconvienient. We're saving up for a new bathroom and she makes snide remarks about how we wont be able to have a new bathroom if we have children. As I would much prefer to have children than a new bathroom and have told her this I don't understand why she has this attitude of me getting pregnant being a bad thing.
Just to clarify I'm 28, we live in our own house and I'm married - not that it should make a difference but to my mum it would so its not even like we're not fulfilling some outdated criteria in her head. And she likes my DH and has even said she thinks he'd make a good dad. I'm starting to wonder though if she thinks I'd make a bad mum or something.
Sorry for the rambling post but we've always had a difficult relationship but we have got closer over the last few years but this is starting to cause a problem and I'm wondering if because of her behaviour in the past I am being too sensitive about this?
YANBU Stop giving her any information. She appears not to be able to say anything positive, so don't give her the chance to comment on anything at all.
Or call her on it each time. "So you think I'd be a bad Mum then?" Watch her back peddle
I wonder if shes doing it because its taking a while to get pg. Trying to look on the bright side, make you feel a bit better and all that, in a misguided kind of manner.
I agree with RyleDup.
I suspect she's trying in a really cackhanded way to be helpful and/or supportive. You can be irritated with her, but perhaps just stay openminded that she may not be trying to annoy you.
Thank you, perhaps she is trying to be supportive, it just doesn't feel that way at times. When conversations like today happen I just gloss over it and move on, its just frustrating that she seems so negative about the whole thing. But perhaps you are right and she's trying to downplay the whole thing in case it never happens
FWIW OP, it took us four years ttc, and now we have two DCs, conceived naturally. Good luck! Ignore your mum.
Its sounds like something my mum would do, it really does. I can see why you find it irritating though.
poppywearer thank you for that, I'm trying not to let it get to me yet, as I say I'm only 28 so plenty of time for it to happen however it ends up happening. But sometimes I do get frustrated
RyleDup maybe its just a mum thing and I am being too sensitive
its really difficult being the mum of someone who is trying to conceive.
firstly, this is their sex life, you don't want to be asking about it.
secondly, it might happen or it might not. if its your dearest darling baby who wants a baby of her own and it looks like its not going to happen, how does mother being miserable about it help? and if she is encouraging, she's taken to be desperate for grandchildren.
its that old saying again 'a mother's place is in the wrong' because there's no right place to put yourself.
Maybe she sees her little girl and worries about the disappointment for you and isn't trying to pressure you but going about it all wrong
Best of luck to you for getting pregnant soon.
Having had difficult relationships with both Mum and MIL, thought I'd chip in what helped me.
In the case of Mum, it started to help when I started to "call her out" like CaliforniaLeaving suggested. Throughout my teenage years I did it provocatively, so it only helped manage her ignorant tyranny to some degree. As an adult, the more I've called her out in a reasonable, non-threatening, genuinely discussive way, the better the results generally have been. I have tried to accept my Mum will never be completely free from her particular type of weirdness, but I have tried to be aware of her problems/craziness and to try and plan ahead. Nothing too major anymore, the last time was when early this year I found she had shredded all the communication I had with my 1st love (whom she hated because he was 'too charming and too beautiful to ever love me' -- another of her famous gaffes)...this was, I felt, an unintelligible intrusion and an unacceptable attempt to erase my past by erasing my personal documents that I would have benefitted from showing to my shrink (as the guy also became weird later without me never understanding why. Hold on, this amount of weirdos is a bit worrying, maybe I'm the weird one? LOL possible but I'd still never act immorally&illogically in these ways so IDK.)
With MIL whom I had to live with for a few years, things were much more difficult at first, but once I read books on psychology - esp.about narcissism and passive aggression I could realize that MIL has an undiagnosed personality disorder and that she wasn't out to get me -- nor out to get everyone (as I noticed she's even more of a pain in the bum to her own husband and daughter), until I realized that she just has a compulsion of trying to be superior in every situation, human interaction, context -- and she mostly does this by subtly pointing out how all the rest of us constantly fail and are not as perfect and selfless as her. :D Yes I can now see this with humour -- thank God for finding Psychology!
All the best to you and hope you succeed in having children soon. I'm sure you will, you are so very young.
If I take your age and double it, rule of thumb that's round about your mothers age. Things were very different when she was young and in the workplace. Pregnancy for example didn't have rights to appointments, matenity leave, pay or job protection.
DIY or home improvements were quite a new thing and expensive, a new bathroom would be a years salary (on the assumption you re ripping the whole thing out rather than just replacing the suite) so I can see why she has the financial angle in her head.
She's your mother. She worries.
Thak you for your replies. I think maybe if I call her out gently she'll realise. I have done this with her in the past and it has helped to smooth out our relationship so perhaps I should. It would probably be better than letting my irritation bubble along until it boils over.
Best of luck with your TTC OP
My mum was very odd about me having kids. She almost commiserated with me when i announced my first preg. With the 2nd she said 'Another one?'. And with the 3rd her first words were 'was it planned?' I was married with my own home and in my 20s for all 3.
I'm an only child. I wonder if it was jealousy. Although that doesnt explain the reaction to no.1.
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