To be annoyed with Ex?

[puds11]

He thinks i am, i think i have good reason to be annoyed. MN jury please.

Last week he asked me to tell him which night i needed him to have our DD. I said Tuesday night as i have a class. He said he would tell work that he needed that night off (only for the next 6 weeks). Fast forward to tonight, he comes to mine and tells me he is working Tuesday night this week. I am upset because it means i have to miss my class, and ask him why they put him in to work if he asked for it off. He says he didn't ask for it off because he 'never works Tuesday nights' .

I am really annoyed, it feels like just another of his many ways of undermining me. AIBU?

[vampirestakeknickers]

Deeply . Any explanation as to why he's working this Tuesday when he 'never works Tuesday nights'?

[LittleMissFlustered]

He's unreasonable for telling you something when he had no intention of doing it.

However, you are a bit unreasonable for expecting him to be there when you want him to be. He's your ex, not your nanny:(

[PartyFops]

little it reads as if he's the father, why shouldn't he be there on demand as agreed?

[puds11]

No vampire no explanation. And Littlemiss, i don't expect him to 'be my nanny', but when someone asks you what days you would like them to have their own child, and you ask for one night out of all the days and nights in the week, and they say they will make sure they get it off, i think you have the right ti be a bit bemused when they come back a week later and tell you they are working that night.

[puds11]

He is the father just to clarify

[LittleMissFlustered]

Sorry, I was typing a quick reply, and it reads as more terse than I meant >_

[puds11]

Thats ok LittleMiss i got what you meant

[MagicHouse]

I think you would find it easier if you organise set times/ days when he has your dd and stick to these. Then this situation could be avoided. I would have been annoyed too, but I would never be put in the position of him doing me a favour by arranging him to be there, with a week's notice, on a night I needed help with childcare. I'm a single parent. We just have set days and I work around those. I never expect him at other times. I think you'd feel more in control with a similar situation.

[puds11]

Kim that is what has happened. He didn't tell them because he assumed he would be off, but he told me that he would tell them. Obviously it has now backfired and i have to cancel my plans. He says he will ask for future Tuesdays off now, but who knows if he will actually do it.

He would never ask them to change it, hes very funny about it.

[puds11]

Magic i had been asking him for 3 weeks, it was only last week he finally lied agreed to ask for it off. As for the set days, he refuses to do it, as he wont ask work to do him set days. Its very infuriating, and i don't think its good for our DD, but he refuses to co operate.

[Sassybeast]

YANBU. Do you think it's deliberate or does he just not think?

[vampirestakeknickers]

Does he not realise that his employers might actually respect him more if he asked for regular time off to be with his child?

[BrianAndHisBalls]

he sounds like a right idiot.

And as for 'nanny' he's the child's father!!! Why shouldn't he provide half the required childcare.

[puds11]

He thinks that because his boss doesn't have children, she won't understand him asking for time off!

I think he just assumes a lot, whereas i would have told them, to be sure. This isn't the first time something like this has happened, and his excuse is always 'well i never work X day'

[MagicHouse]

Really frustrating then :-$ Could you speak to a solicitor? By asking "what day do you need me to have DD?" he's implying he's doing YOU a favour. I wonder if you could organise pre-arranged times (whether he wants to or not) and YOU stick to these? If he doesn't turn up, he misses his time? Would it make him pull his finger out?
You have my sympathies - it would drive me up the wall.

[imtheonlyone]

I would tell him that it's his responsibility to make alternative arrangements now as you have plans that you are not willing change now. That's what my DPs ex does to him! He made a commitment now it's his responsibility to sort it out!!!
Sorry, probably not very helpful but it does annoy me when exs do this! Just carry on with their own lives leaving us mums changing our plans to suit them!!! Grrrr!
I do sympathise

[puds11]

Thankyou Magic and imtheonly. We don't have solicitors involved, and he does like to make it seem like he is doing me a favor by looking after his own child. Just last week he told me that I 'owed him' because i was going out on the Friday night (he already knew this and agreed to it) work asked him during his shift on friday to go in that night aswell and he said no so i could go out. Which apparently means i owe him

[puds11]

I'm tempted to go and speak to his boss myself, at least then i know it would be sorted. I know he would go mad if i did it though.

[MagicHouse]

I think you sit down and tell him that arrangements aren't working. Spell it out that he seems to think looking after your DD is a favour to you. In your head I would stop looking at him as someone to look after him on your nights out. Do you have anyone else (family) who could babysit for a while? I would rely heavily on them for a while. If he asks when you "need" him, you reply, "I don't". I think you both need to believe that you don't actually "need" him, and from that starting point you can begin to arrange some sort of regular routine.

[puds11]

That makes a lot of sense Magic although i don't have any family close by. I have friends who are very good, but both are busy Tuesday night. I'm going to try talking to him again, but i just know he doesn't take me seriously.

[MagicHouse]

I know it would be hard, but in that case I would be tempted to not go to your usual classes on the Tuesday for a while. I think it's really important (and healthy) for both of you to see the relationship as completely finished, and you as independent of him, and while it seems like he's "doing you favours" with childcare, that won't happen. It's taking lots of control from you, and then like you say, he talks about you "owing him one"
I think you remove him as a possible "babysitter" in your mind, and organise as much help from your friends (on other nights) as you can.
He needs to hear you say you don't need his help. Tell him that regular contact is better for your dd, and ask which day/s he would prefer. It might mean you go out less for a while, but in the long run (presuming he does actually want to see his daughter) it will give you more control of the situation.

[MagicHouse]

If you do talk to him, don't start by saying he has let you down. Start by saying ad hoc days obviously don't work for either of you, and ask him to suggest a day/ days to see his dd. If he asks which day you "need", reply that it's not about you needing childcare, it's about providing a routine, and that you can work round plans once you have set times.
If he refuses, suggest a day (grit your teeth and don't make it tuesday!!!!)