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to feel like utter rubbish tonight.

(5 Posts)
niceladiesfinishlast Mon 08-Oct-12 20:25:28

Made ex H move out after years of abuse. He kept all his money and gave me an allowance each week which was one third of the money coming in, out of this I had to pay all bills, he kept the rest for himself and his social life. He cheated on me repeatedly, paid for sex, phone sex, you name it he did it. When I was pregnant with our children he was being unfaithful, not using condoms, gave me an STI, not when pregnant fortunately. Prevented me from going to uni, even had all say over how the house was decorated. He was controlling and abusive in all ways it is possible to be.

There has been no formal access arrangement for the last two years since the split, he dropped in as and when sometimes not bothering for weeks at a time when on a bender. One of our children has SN I did everything for getting the diagnosis, all the donkey work, meetings, medical appointments, all down to me. I have pretty much brought them up single handedly, even when he lived here he did nothing.

He always managed to hold down a job though and now has an extremely well paid one. He pays child support so no probs there. But I run a house, pay all bills, lots of extra expenses for disabled child etc, I am ok for money but certainly not like him. My friend said she would have expected me to meet someone else by now, I am quite attractive (even if I do say it myself wink but as I said to her "how on earth can I, when I never get a night off, ever".

He has just moved into a beautiful new house, I mean stunning, panoramic views, outside area for kids to play, I don't have anything like this, my kids have to be taken out every day to get outside play, no garden. He has an amazing job, amazing social life, amazing trips. Now wants a more formal access arrangement (finally), but I don't think it will last.

Today after seeing him my dd told me that she hates me, she doesn't want to live with me anymore, wants to live with Dad, shook me off whenever I tried to hug and kiss her. I was helping her get ready for bed and she was saying all this to me sad I said nothing in response. Don't know what to say really. She wouldn't kiss me when she went to bed and at night will normally call out to me for cuddles whenever I go past I always go in and give her a cuddle. Tonight she has not called me at all, just ignored me. I don't mind saying I am absolutely gutted. Not showing it though. I think this is how is starts, the thin end of the wedge. I always knew it would come to this, I am one of lifes losers and he has everything, I can't compete and I think she sees this now. I know I can't show her though and just have to ignore and carry on as normal but god its hard. I am crying whenever I think of it. I can't believe how cold she is. We are usually close as can be sad. She has said stuff like this before but never so much or quite so harsh.

I know everyone will say she doesn't mean it but she is just so cold toward me. I think she does sad. She is 6 btw.

Please be gentle with me, I feel very woe begone.

HecateLarpo Mon 08-Oct-12 20:30:01

You need a huge cuddle. That's what you need.

She's six. She doesn't mean it. She's confused and all over the place. But you're her mum and she loves you. You're the safe person. She can rage at you because you'll always be there and love her no matter what.

Why do you think she has reacted like this after seeing him today? could he have said anything to her?

KenLeeeeeee Mon 08-Oct-12 20:32:58

You poor thing sad I don't blame you for feeling so upset. Firstly, have a very un-MNy (((hug))). Secondly, if you can try and see things from your dd's perspective. Her dad is a novelty act, with a shiny house where she can play out and not get told off or 'parented' as she is at home.

She doesn't know it, but she needs YOU and if she did live with her dad, that novelty would wear off very quickly. When the children are grown up, they will appreciate everything you've done (what you've described sounds a lot like my dad when I was little), but for now try to hold on to knowing that you are doing everything you possibly can to give the children a good upbringing, compared to your ex who sounds like a right piece of work who does the bare minimum.

It might be worth asking your dd's school if they have a play therapist or similar that she could talk to. They can work wonders for helping children explore difficult feelings and work through things they're too little to process properly.

alienreflux Mon 08-Oct-12 20:46:53

aw niceladies this must be really heart breaking, but you know what you would say to someone else on here if you read this, kids are fickle and thoughtless, she doesn't mean it love, like kenleeeee says the novelty will wear off eventually hang in there, it's crappy but he can never be her mum!!! wine and {{{ {{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

niceladiesfinishlast Tue 09-Oct-12 13:01:35

Thank you so much for replying to me, sorry I didn't get back on sooner but I literally felt so awful last night I couldn't talk about it anymore, much as I right now actually. We made up last night, just as she was falling asleep I went in and cuddled her and she said sorry and gave me big cuddles everything was ok again this morning. I know there will me more of this so I had better toughen up.

So the kids are off there for the first time overnight this weekend and I actually feel sick at the thought of it. I don't have any mates where I live, I have tried to be positive and make plans for the day and night. I am going to the cinema and to the gym etc but I am dreading it. Another thing I will have to get used to I suppose.

It just seems like he gets it ALL. Fab home, fab job, fab social life, loads of cash AND the kids whenever he wants too.

I am a moaning minnie and I need to brace up I suppose, best it happens now when they are smaller and only going away for little periods of time.

But thanks again. I am grateful.

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