Defriended on facebook = defriended IRL?

[mrsmuffintop]

I used to be prety good friends with a woman who I went to uni with (lived in a share house, went to same parties, went to each others' weddings and major birthdays etc). We haven't seen each other that much in recent years, not due to a falling out but just busy with different jobs, kids, live quite a distance away etc. Also, to be honest, I always really disliked her DH.

I heard a little while ago through another friend that her DH had left her, and she was having a tough time. So I thought, that sounds pretty bad, I should be nice & get in touch. Didn't have her current phone no or email. Mutual friend didn't get back to me very quickly re request for her numeber or email. Went to facebook to send a message - and found that she had defriended me.

AIBU to think that this means she doesn't want to have contact with me and I'm off the hook?

[TroublesomeEx]

Well I'd think that.

I'm not on FB any more for a number of reasons, but I was very careful about who I friended and only had people I knew in RL.

In my time on there, I only defriended one person and I never intend to see them ever again in this life or the next.

But other people will come along and tell you "it's just FB".

It might just be that she can't face seeing you, knowing that you didn't like her DH and maybe the reasons surrounding him leaving her. She might just be really embarrassed. And she might get in touch with you when she's ready. Must be a tough time for her.

[ZonkedOut]

Don't assume that it means she doesn't want to be friends, it could be any number of things.

Maybe she only wanted friends on facebook to be close friends she regularly talks to. Maybe she defriended you by accident. Maybe she thought you weren't interested because you'd drifted apart.

Why not just ask her, send a message anyway (depends on her settings), rather than assuming something without checking? If you ask and she says she doesn't want to be IRL friends any more, you've lost nothing.

[flow4]

You ask if you're "off the hook"... Which sounds like you don't want this acquaintanceship any more...

[margerykemp]

If her DH didn't like you maybe he told her to defriend you before they split.

How many fb friends does she have?

She was maybe doing a general clear out (are other friends from that part of her life still on it?)

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I doubt it means anything at all. I clear out my facebook every now and again and half the time it's just 'ahh, not heard from x in ages'. Or I quietly defriend people who yak on all the time - they may be perfectly nice people I'd be glad enough to see if we lived nearby, but I don't necessarily want three updates a day about flower arranging in the outer Hebrides.

I think given she has had a tough time you should send her a nice message. If she doesn't want to reply she won't, and you'll know she's cut contact.

[pigletmania]

Exactly, the off the hook remark sounds as though you don't want a friendship with her, just being polite to see how she is. Leave it and move on

[MrsjREwing]

Maybe her self esteem is low and she defriended people who didn't support her during a life trauma.

[WofflingOn]

'AIBU to think that this means she doesn't want to have contact with me and I'm off the hook?'

Off the hook of having to be supportive to a friend going through a tough time?
I prune dead wood regularly.

[ThreeWheelsGood]

She was probably doing a clear out. Might have been ages ago - sounds like you haven't been in touch with her for ages so you've no idea when it was.

Definitely still get in tough with her if you can, don't mention the un-friending, she can always swiftly add you back.

[RobinSparkles]

Are you sure she's still on FB? If she's been going through a tough time she might have deleted her account?

If she's split up with her H she won't want to subject herself to the "I wuv my gawjus hubby wubby" statuses (stati?) every 5 minutes.

[GoSakuramachi]

If you hadn't spoken in years, didn't know her husband had left, didn't know her phone number or email, and didn't notice for however long that she had culled you on fb....how were you by any definition friends at all?

[DeWe]

When I thought someone had defriended me turned out they'd taken a break on fb and I was asked to refriend a couple of months later. She'd come off fb for everyone not just me.

[mustbetimetochange]

No - I take people off my fb depending on how many other friends they have for example because I like my fb as private as can be

[QuintessentialShadows]

I have a friend who closes his account on a regular basis. Then I wont find him in friends. When he logs in again, his setting are the same, his friends list is there, and I can see him in my friends list.

I would not assume that just because she is not visible on your friends list any more that you are not her friend. I reckon she has just taken a break from Facebook. Could be it is a way of cutting contact with her ex, his family and mutual friends group, to try move on.