....or are all Dads like this?
DD is 14 weeks, she is our first. I feel really unsupported by DH, but fear perhaps IABU and a whingey wife!
He works relatively long hours - leaves at 8 and is normally home by 8:30, unless he has a (work related) social thing in the evening, which average once a week when he's home after 10. So I accept he can't do much during the week and Mon-Fri I am pretty much a single mum. He usually takes her and changes her first nappy of the day and that's it, but he's only started doing this recently since I started putting her to bed in the evenings because it means he actually gets to at least spend a bit of time with her. Before that happened, in the mornings he would just lie in bed pressing snooze until the last minute and then rush off to work leaving me dealing with her feeling like shit because I've been awake since 5am with her. When he gets home she's in bed, but she usually has a feed when I come to bed and she always takes a long time, and lots of ssshhing and rocking to get her back down - I do all of this and he just goes to bed. He is sleeping in the spare room because he doesn't want the sleepless nights (again - fair enough, he's working and it kind of suits me to have my own space and not have to worry about disturbing him), but when he does sleep in with me (sometimes at the weekend - although not always!) he never helps with any of the settling last thing at night or in the middle of the night. I'm often up for 2 hours with her getting her settled and he just pulls a pillow over his face and goes back to sleep. I know he can't feed her, but that only takes 10 mins, the rest is getting her down to sleep! Tonight, I suggested he have a go at settling her after her ten o clock feed and he made a half hearted attempt that just resulted in her crying for half an hour, before giving her back to me and going to bed.
At the weekends he just carries on like before we had a baby. He changes her nappy when I ask him to and has a few cuddles, but doesn't do any of the more tedious bits like helping her get down for a nap. He'll just go off on a run or arrange something with friends without even thinking about needing to do anything about her or thinking about giving me a break.
I know much of the time can't be around to support, but I don't feel like he shares any of the psychological burden either. I'm a new mum and often unsure about what I'm doing so I want to talk about what would be a good thing to try with her or whether I'm doing the right thing, but whenever I raise anything with him he just makes a noncommittal "uh huh" and isn't interested in discussing it.
God sorry this is long and ranty. I probably ABU - reading this back it doesn't sound like a big deal, but I just feel like I'm doing this on my own and I didn't think it would be like this. I'm loving being a mum, I really am, and I don't begrudge having to do any of these things, but I just feel like I'n shouldering all of the practical and psychological responsibility and he's just carrying on his life as normal with the occasional cuddle from a sweet baby. Is this normal Dads behaviour or normal for me to feel like this?
AIBU?
to feel like DH doesn't support me with new baby?
blushingmare · 19/09/2012 00:37
Sadly it's fairly normal for a lot of Dads doesn't mean it's right! DH went through an adjustment phase when we had DD1 like this and I think it added to my PND.
During the week I would think its fair enough but at weekends he should be having some family time, he should also listen to you.
I think you need to have a sit down talk with him and make sure he knows it's serious he needs to listen. Tell him what it's like I my having a baby to talk to all week and how much of a bloody dull tiring grind it can be much as you live them. You need the other adult in your life to listen even if it's just as a sounding board.
You may find he had t thought of it this way and he may also think as you do the majority he doesn't feel the need to influence the parenting (and do you really want him too or do you just need reassurance?), he also may see settling her etc as scary and impossible for him as he hasn't the same connection you have built but he needs to start.
So talk first, if he won't listen then post again and well get arse kicky 
YANBU. The early weeks ARE shit. My spouse was also crap.
Practicals: he might be doing long hours during the week - who doesn't. (If I have overtime I clock into work at 5.30am for a 12 hr shift - or more. )
This does not prevent him doing bedtime/dream feeds at least at the weekends if you express. He can also do the early/breakfast feed with exp milk to give you a break/more sleep at the very least. Definitely have something arranged for Saturday; announce it (do NOT ask - sauce for the goose and all that), leave the house. Even if in reality you're only driving round the corner to hide in the car/going to the garage for choc hobnobs and a lottery ticket.
Discuss it with him, or try to. If he won't speak at home ("I'm sooooooo tired" - pah!) then phone him during the day when your lo is napping. Silence will do nothing good for your relationship (speaking from shit central here) as the resentment will just build up - and sleep deprivation just adds a factor of 20 to that.
The other thing is to point out that in the long term he will end up with what my own spouse has found. DD (now 3.4) has no time for or interest in daddy as daddy had no time/little interest in her for most of the first 2.5yrs despite nominally living in the same house. However, DD is great mates with a lot of the staff in Tesco including greeting them by name.
Enjoy your DD.
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I know I'm not a single mum and was stupid to make the analogy - no offence meant to anyone.
Thanks for your replies - I was starting to feel like maybe this is just what it's like being a mum, especially as being on mat leave it is my only "job" right now! But from seeing what you've all replied I know I need to talk to him about it - just not sure where to start. Crackcrack you're right in that we really don't talk about very much at all these days - baby or otherwise - don't know how that happened. And it's now hard for me to broach the subject with him because I do feel resentful, but I know it's not going to be helpful for me to come across like that.
Come to think of it I think maybe it's the lack of communication that's our biggest downfall. Probably if we talked more he would realise more of the things he could be doing to help. It kind of started after the birth - I had quite a traumatic delivery and both of us had a moment where we thought I was going to die. Once out of hospital I really wanted to talk about it all, but he just says he never wants to have to think about it again... 
He loves our dd very much and I know he misses her when he's at work. He feel sad when I tell him she's done something for the first time and he's missed it. But he is at heart quite a lazy person - always has been! He wants to spend the quality time with her - cuddles etc, but when she's tired and grizzly and can't get to sleep its always down to me and if there's something else he wants to do he just isn't in the frame of mind to think "what about dd/dw" first. He's also not good at focussing on more than one thing, so if he's busy at work, that's all he does and when he comes home he's not good at switching to "family man" and those responsibilities.
I'm not sure where to go from here and never thought I'd end up in this situation where I feel like I can't talk to him as we e always been quite a tight knit unit. But thank you for your advice - it really helps to have thrashed it out.
I am fortunate in being well supported in other ways - have a great NCT group, going to a few baby classes and although my mum lives a couple of hours away I see her every other week or so and have lots of phone contact. So in many respects I feel well supported and like we're doing fine. I just feel sad that DH and I seem to have lost something along the way.
Thanks again.
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