AIBU to tell this friend she is not being a friend at the moment or ditch her altogether?

[alphabite]

I will keep this as brief as poss. Basically I have/had a friend who was a really good friend. We were actually house mates for a while too and regularly did things together. She got pregnant accidently after getting drunk with her boyfriend and had the baby in September. I was there for her, offered baby sitting, to make meals to freeze etc. I am regularly in contact with her and she is now doing really well and is really enjoying being a single mum. She is confident in being a mum and is doing baby groups and meeting other mums etc. I am pleased she is doing so well.

However, I never see her anymore. I had a really tough time at work and was unemployed for a short time after I had to give up work due to stress. I never heard from her during this time even though she knew what was going on. No text to see if I'm ok or anything. I am now fine and working in a job I enjoy but I am getting annoyed that all the contact with her seems to come from me. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I've seen her since Sept and it's not for my lack of trying. I have again offered baby sitting, I have offered to come and keep her company while watching tv in the evenings etc but she always texts later to say she can't make it. Usually without a reason.

I completely understand that being a mum is hard but is it unreasonable to still expect a friend to be a friend. We only live half a mile apart so it's not a big deal to get together surely. I love kids and I'd be happy for her baby to be part of what we choose to do if we did eventually arrange a catch up!

[DaisyHayes]

You know, just because someone appears to be sailing through, doesn't mean that they are. And I don't mean PND (though of course, she may have this), I just mean that it's difficult having a new baby and sometimes hard to cope with. You do what you have to do to survive and keep your baby looked after, but everything non-essential (like mates) often fall by the wayside for a bit.

The baby is only seven months old, so best case scenario is that I'd be surprised if she was having as much sleep as she'd like. Worst case scenario is that she is hallucinating with tiredness. I don't think you can really understand how totally bone-achingly exhausting having a small baby is until you've done it (not a dig at all - I had no idea until I had my children.) Plus she's on her own, so never off-duty.

Sometimes, even watching tv on your own in the evening is a herculean task, let alone having to have a conversataion.

I totally understand why you're annoyed, but maybe give it a bit of time, eh? When she's adjusted properly to the shock of motherhood and is getting better sleep, it become possible to piece your life back together again. And then she'll be greatful for having such a kind and supportive friend as you sound to be.

[LentillyFart]

I'd ditch her tbh. The message she's sending is that the friendship has run it's course. Take the hint and move on.

[JustFab]

I had a friend who I spent a lot of time together and then I moved away. She constantly blue me out so I wrote to her and said if she didn't want to be bothered with me/meet up anymore just to let me know. She wrote back and said of course she did then 3 days before my wedding phoned my future MIL and said she wasn't coming. I was really hurt as I only had about 7 guests there and 1 was a relative and I was looking for her in the Church. That was that tbh.

[LoveHandles88]

Talk to her about it. Maybe she's worried that you will think badly of her parenting choices? Or she may be having her own problems, and can't also deal with yours? Who knows what's really going on with her unless you ask?
I hope that you sort it out with your friend.

[WilsonFrickett]

What Daisy said, really. Give her time, keep in touch gently and eventually she'll find her way back to the friendship. I was like this for a while and I'm not even an LP - it was just exhausting and the only people I really saw were other mothers through the day. If her baby really isn't sleeping then it is a big deal to get together at night.

[HecateTrivia]

Some friendships aren't lifelong friendships, but more, what's the word? transient? things. While your lives are similar, you spend time together and get on well and you're friends. But when you go down different paths, you find that you no longer feel close, or have much in common.

eg if what you had in common was going out partying and that's not who she is any more, then you realise that's all you had. iyswim.

There have been so many people in my life to date who've been friends at one point but who I am no longer in contact with (but remember fondly). Friends at school were friends because of school. Friends at college were great for being at college with. Friends at work were great for relaxing after a day in the office, having a gossip about the boss... But sometimes if you take what 'binds' you together away - you're left with nothing. It doesn't mean you don't like each other, it doesn't mean either of you has done anything wrong, it just changes and sometimes you realise that you simply have nothing to talk about any more.

Could that be a possibility?

[alphabite]

Thanks for the thoughts.
I really don't think she is struggling. The little one sleeps really well and is eating fine etc. Maybe it does just appear this way though.

The people who have said we might have drifted apart could be right. It's a shame though as we got on so well. I guess I will give it some time and see if she gets in touch.

[Goldenbear]

How do you know the baby is eating and sleeping well if you never see this friend? If the baby slept well at the beginning, it doesn't mean it will forever more.

Your first baby changes your whole life, even if you have a good sleeper (which in my experience is rare) the demands made on you and the need to be constantly on call makes for an exhausting initiation.

I have a best friend that I don't see enough. I'm worried that she thinks like you but I literally didn't have the strength after having DC2 to even worry about this friend or anyone else other than my children if I'm honest. I have a terrible sleeper with my 4 year old DS and my DD is a baby who also doesn't sleep very well although this has improved recently. When it comes to the evening there is about an hour to myself and then I usually fall to sleep on the sofa- I just don't want to see anyone other than DP.

If your friend is on her own it must be very exhausting!

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

I was quite a young Mum, and I let some of my closest friendships drift when I had my first baby. It's not that I didn't care about them or didn't want to see them, it was more that my life was in a very different place and I felt that the whole thing changed me. My friend were at a very different place in their lives at the time.

Now my children are older, I spend much more time with the friends I hardly saw when I had my 2 dc, and I cannot put into words how much I love them for still being around when I came out the other side of the baby days. Real friendships may drift in an out of being 'active' but there is no reason for them to end forever when one persons life is going through a big change.

[Prudencetheflatulent]

DS2 is 6 months old and I've been out once since he was born. It is just so exhausting looking after them. He's not a particularly difficult baby, he's usually a happy little thing but by the end of the day I'm totally chewed up and spat out. Physically lugging him around all day is tiring in itself. I'm almost embarrassed at how much of a baby bore I am because I've nothing else to talk about and being sociable seems like pretty hard work in the evenings, I'd rather snooze and surf the net.

[FluffyJawsOfDoom]

You're not one of those friends that kindly offers to come over and help out, but in reality create more work than you save (loads of mess/expects tea made etc?) are you?? I have a few of those and there are times I've made excuses............

If you're not :o then it sounds like she's just got it really full on and needs some down time. Sounds like she needs some understanding, not pressure :)

[EMS23]

My DD is 18 months old and it was a year before I felt somewhere close to back to normal.
At 7 months I was worn out, wading through treacle, barely making sense. But I'm pretty sure I seemed like I was doing really well to the outside world.

I don't like people to come over in the evening, even now because if DD decides she's not going to bed at 7pm the thought of having guests, waiting for me to get her settled etc makes me feel really stressed.

I'd give it a bit longer, like another year or two, and see if she gets better. If not, maybe time to move on but 7 months feels too soon to write her off.

[alphabite]

Thanks, it's good to get a parents perspective from everyone.

She regularly puts on facebook that her daughter sleeps through the night, loves trying new foods etc so from what she is saying things seem to be going well.

She isn't back at work yet so I guess it'll only get worse when she is.

I am definitely not one of those friends who creates more work for people when I visit. Infact in the handfuls of time I have seen her I have brought her round food to eat or freeze, I have cleaned her bathroom and kitchen etc when she has put the little one to bed. On one occasion when I went around to watch TV she said she knew it was fine when I came around because she could freeze the TV and not worry if the little one was crying because she knew I didn't mind.

[Paiviaso]

I don't think you need to do anything really. I have a friend who is like this, we used to hang out quite a bit, but this slowly dropped off over the course of a year. He always seems to be busy (and maybe he is, that's fine) but unfortunately he seems to be too busy to maintain our friendship. So I simply stopped contacting him when it was clear he wasn't going to put any effort in.

He still sends me an email, every 4 months or so, saying, "How are you??? We should hang out, haven't seen you in forever" and I reply politely, and say, "I'd love to hang out, let me know when you're free."

He never comes back to arrange things.

So all in all, I don't waste time trying to maintain this friendship, but if he started making an effort again I'd been open to resuming it. In the meantime I don't worry about it.