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AIBU?

...about being annoyed about being advised I could take a career break by DP's friend?

19 replies

munkysea · 23/03/2012 19:19

I've just got a job. It's the first step on a long and difficult path to the career I want. I want to be a solicitor, and I've just got a job as a paralegal.

My DP finishes his PhD this time next year and is considering his options. He will probably have to move institutions, and may even go abroad. I would like him to get a job where we live now, but understand this may not be possible, and would be willing to move as long as I stay in the legal sector and we're both clear about this.

Two weeks DP's male friend took it on himself to suggest that a career break is an option for me so DP can move around the UK or even abroad.

What 'career'? A month in a job does not constitute 'a career' worthy of a break? Why does moving mean I HAVE to give up my career? The feminist in me is fuming that a career break is an option for me, but not DP!

Who the jeffing feck does he even think he is giving wrong-headed advice like this?

Every now and again I remember and I get annoyed all over again.

Harrumph.

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Callisto · 23/03/2012 19:21

If your DP 'has' to move abroad for his job you have two choices. If he won't consider jeopardising his career for you then I think your choice is easier?

Jinsei · 23/03/2012 19:21

He is an arse. Don't waste time worrying about him.

munkysea · 23/03/2012 19:27

Oh, I'm not annoyed by DP. We'll work something out whatever happens. Abroad is a slim chance. I'm annoyed by his interfering and presumptuous mate.

Wise counsel, Jinsei. :)

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skybluepearl · 23/03/2012 19:27

I think you should do your job here and let DH figure out what he should do next. Your career is as important as his.

flowery · 23/03/2012 19:29

I think you might be being a little bit over sensitive. Taking a career break to follow your DP is an option, surely? You don't have to take up that option, of course, but it is an option.

And did the friend actually say that taking a career break would not be an option for your DP if your career meant you needed to relocate? Or are you assuming that?

As you don't need to relocate at the moment surely the options open to your DP in that scenario weren't being discussed?

Sorry if I've misunderstood, but it sounds like a bit of a storm in a teacup really and not something to get worked up about at all.

corriefan · 23/03/2012 19:39

YABU it's nothing to do with being a woman. He was probably imagining the joy of having a career break abroad whilst his other half earned. Some friends of ours did it- the man happened to be the one offered work at a Uni in Italy; she took 6 months unpaid leave from her job as a solicitor and swanned about markets and ate ice cream. It could just as easily be the other way round.

munkysea · 23/03/2012 19:54

grumble.

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Dozer · 23/03/2012 20:03

Yanbu re the friend, he was being sexist.

But sounds like the problem is your situation with DP. It seems to be a given that he will go where the work for him is.

Could be hard to find good quality work in your field in DP's location when you're at an early stage in your career. If he moves outsid the EU you might not even be allowed to work.

munkysea · 23/03/2012 20:30

DP's not the problem, really. I support him in his career, and he's supported me in mine when I used to work abroad and he was unable to follow me due to job commitments. Furthermore, he wouldn't begrudge it if I got a position elsewhere in the UK.

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DPrince · 23/03/2012 20:52

I think your being a bit sensitive to a suggestion. My dad has suggested I take a career break (my company allows up to 2 years) and work for dh in his new business. Its always an option. Not one I want to take as I love my job. But it was only a suggestion. Nothing to do with me being the woman.

ComposHat · 23/03/2012 21:15

Jeeez get a grip. It was an off-the cuff comment to a hypothetical situation. From what you've said it was presented as a possibility not as an instruction.

Your partner's mate didn't say you should give up your job, just suggested that it was something you might want to look into.

It isn't even an issue at the moment as your partner is 12 months off finishing his PhD, let alone started looking for a job.

Stop looking for offence where none is intended. i(f he followed up the comment by pinching your arse and calling you sweetheart, I'll take it all back!)

Gumby · 23/03/2012 21:18

Have you got kids?
The upheaval of following dp abroad might be a pain for them
Sometimes it is easier to focus on one career
Have you seen I don't know how she dies it with SJP?!

fuckwittery · 23/03/2012 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lurkerspeaks · 23/03/2012 22:14

I used to be a raving feminist and refuse to acknowledge that compromises had to be made but now in my mid thirties I realise that when you trying to balance a relationship and children and demanding geographically limiting careers then something has to give.

I cannot think of a single one of my friends relationships where compromise over careers/ jobs haven't been made by one partner. Usually it is the woman who have compromised (primarily because they are more bothered about being at home with their kids) but a couple of the blokes have seriously downsized and are the main 'go to' parent when the vomiting bug hits at nursery.

Personally, I"m geographically limited by my job and remain single. I don't think this is a coincidence.

Snakeonaplane · 23/03/2012 22:33

Yanbu but this tends to be what happens when one partner does a universal job. I have to trek around after my dh because I can do my job anywhere and his is more specialist, never mind that my chance of promotion was constantly treated because of all the moves. Thank goodness those days are over.

LimeLeafLizard · 23/03/2012 22:45

Good post lurker - succinctly put and so true.

andired · 23/03/2012 23:51

Tell the mate he's welcome to join you for social occasions if he keeps his big, fat mouth shut because you and DP have already discussed this and it's none of his business, thanks very much!!
(Is he single by any chance?!!)

fionabruise · 23/03/2012 23:59

yanbu the reason you're probably feeling so sensitive about it is that the legal thing is very important to you and you dont need vocational suggestions for your dp's mate however well intentioned or casual.

munkysea · 24/03/2012 00:08

Before I go to bed - thanks for the advice everyone. I think I was being a bit over-sensitive and letting my broader worries about the future get to me.

Still a bit narked a casual acquaintance (he's more my DP's friend than mine and I only see him a few times a year) stuck his nose into our business, however well intentioned.
(andired he is single, yes ;))

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