Or am I just being taked for granted?

[Emma102]

I have spent the last 10 years moving abroad a lot, as my DH is an academic who has to go where the work is. I work as a freelance journalist (we have a young daughter), although it gets a bit lonely as this mainly involves working from home. I increasingly feel that he takes me for granted and that I seem to be the only one making any sacrifices. I recently got offered an amazing job in Holland but he said that if I want to take it, I must move on my own as he doesn't want to come with me as he likes his job here. I've moved so often for his job and this is the first great opportunity I've had in a long time. AIBU to think he's being really unfair and dismissive? I've actually never complained about moving for his job, even though I haven't always wanted to. I guess I'm just a bit frustrated as his general attitude already makes me think that he just sees me as his skivvy: I'm already the one that does pretty much all of the chores etc., as well as working almost full-time. Recently, I feel he's become really dismissive of me in general. For example, he has complained that despite all the time I spend helping her, our daughter's attempts at doing here homework aren't improving, so I don't get any results. I found this really hurtful as I actually think it has improved. Bascially, whatever I do, he seems to find fault with it (he also makes digs that I earn less than him, which is hardly surprising as I've never been in one place long enough to really climb up the ladder) and I just feel unappreciated and worthless at the mo. Am I over-reacting?

[LaurieFairyCake]

No, you're not and maybe you should think about taking the job.

Will it impact your daughters schooling much if you take her with you? If he's not very hands on maybe she would be better with you?

[Emma102]

I have thought about just taking the job and taking her with me but she seems really happy at school after quite a difficult move - new language etc. - so I'm worried about uprooting her, although she is still 'only' in primary school.

[ProfCoxWouldGetIt]

YANBU - I think you are being taken for granted, and your DH is being very unsupportive of the role, is it possible for you to actually go and take your daughter with? Maybe a bit of time on his own will make him realise how much you actually do?

[warthog]

yanbu

he needs a bit of a kick up the butt.

[ProfCoxWouldGetIt]

sorry x post - how old is your daughter? I moved to a different language school when I was 7/8 and tbh while I remember it was hard to make new friends and pick up the language, within 6 months I had settled happily and was really sad when my parents moved back to the origonal area 2 years later, although all my old friends thought I was super cool and world wise having been to another language school and picked up what they were just starting to learn.

[Emma102]

Thanks, everyone - that makes me feel a bit better, even though it doesn't solve the problem!

Thing is, I don't even know if he would notice - he's so wrapped up in his little world that he barely notices I'm even around :-(

[LaurieFairyCake]

then it's the ideal time to go if he doesn't notice you. There is nothing more frustrating than not being 'seen' by your partner.

At least if you go and it ends up that your relationship is over you will have a great job in a great country. And you will have your dignity.

if you told him you were thinking of going what would he say?

[Emma102]

She's 8. Thing is, she found this last move really tough and it took her more than a year to really adjust and I'm wary of putting her through it again so soon. I've started to look into a similar job here, although I think it's unlikely I'll find one as I can only really work as a journalist in my native language and everything's in French here.

[gethelp]

This is outstandingly demoralising, and you should take a deep breath and stop it today. Your daughter needs to see you as an equal person to her father, at the moment you are undermining your self esteem by accepting a role which is making you unhappy. Can i ask if you love him?

[Emma102]

I've told him I'm thinking of going anyway and he said 'fine'. Not sure if this is because he actually doesn't care or because he assumes I don't have the balls to actually do it. Thing is, he earns a lot more than me and the law here apparently tends to side with the wealthier parent and/or the one with the permanent permit (we're in Switzerland and I only have a permit linked to his job, so if we were to split up, I wouldn't be permitted to stay here). i'm scared that if I say I'll take the job, he'll try and keep my daughter here and i don't want to move without her. Thing is, despite everything, I do love him and it's not all bad - I guess I'm just a bit tired of him always putting himself first.

[Emma102]

Forgot to add: my one concern with the new job is that it would involve a lot of travel, so I'd barely be there in the week (I'd need an au pair or nanny) and I feel it would be unfair to uproot my daughter and then not be there for her. Sorry for all the whinging - i guess I need to sort this out somehow :-(

[LydiaWickham]

There are British/International schools in Holland, you wouldn't need to distrupt your DD too much by making her learn another language. Would the job come with a work permit? Would you actually have to split up or just work in Holland? If it's not best for you, why start divorce proceedings? Just move with your DD, he can visit, and probably discover the cost of cleaners/cooks.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Could you get a nanny in Switzerland, leave her there and you come back at weekends? How would that be for you?

If you're going to be away all week anyway you might not have seen her that much anyway.

[Thumbwitch]

YAdefNBU - take the job, go with your DD - she'll pick up a new language really quickly if she's under 7 and it will be a great experience! Lots of people in Holland still speak English as well, iirc (or maybe I'm getting confused with Belgium).

Your H sounds like a selfish arse, tbh. Just go.

[Emma102]

Childcare here is so expensive that a Dutch salary wouldn't cover it - at least, not once i've paid rent in Holland etc. I costed it all out recently.

[DonInKillerHeels]

I'm an academic, and actually, I do think you are being a bit U. It is almost impossible to get an academic job (let alone a permanent one) and you have to be prepared to go literally anywhere. I was separated from my husband 3 hours by train for 3 years when I got my first foot on the ladder of permanent posts, and I have colleagues in the UK who are academics and whose academic spouses work in the States. With children. And when you do land a secure, permanent and reasonably decent job, it's very very hard to leave it, at least in the medium term. It's not at all ideal, but location issues will always be a reality if your DH wishes to stay in academia

That being said, he shouldn't be crushing your career either, and what I've said doesn't mean that you shouldn't consider taking the job in Holland. In fact, if you think you can make it work for your family, you should take it. It would be no different - and probably better - than the family arrangements of most married academics I know.

[LydiaWickham]

sooo, why would your child's care just be a cost for you? Why would it be assumed you'd go away and take DD, covering all her costs? Why would it be your responsibility if you went away in the week to sort childcare for your DH who would have custody in Switzerland? If you just went, wouldn't he have to sort it?

[DonInKillerHeels]

I'm thinking DD at home in Switzerland with an au pair, and you commuting to Holland for a 4-day week or something. It's only an hour by plane.

[iscream]

I also am thinking it would work if you go and dd stays put with nanny & her df. You come home whenever possible.

[Emma102]

Yes, I am very seriously considering the move. I need a few more details from Holland first and then I can start putting it together. Let's see what happens!

[planecrazy]

I agree a bit with DonInKillerHeels, I used to work in academia and it's terribly un-family friendly (which is why I don't do it any more). It's expected that people will be prepared to move for their career and either have a spouse willing to follow them (as with most of the senior academics I know) or families that are split up across continents. So being a trailing partner is part of the package when you're with someone who is an academic, unfortunately.

That doesn't excuse his attitude towards you and it's not something you should be tolerating. I think it's hard to maintain a relationship if you're living abroad, but it doesn't sound much like there is much of one to maintain here. But it also seems like divorce and cutting ties completely would be messy and not have many advantages for you either, so the weekly commuting suggestion sounds ideal.

[LydiaWickham]

If your DD stays in Switzerland, you can rent somehting a lot smaller in Holland and the numbers will look a lot better. Sounds like you've put your DH's career first for a long time, time for you to come first for a while.

[impossiblesitu]

Apologies for the generalisation but academics tend to be like this IME. I speak as someone doing a PhD - because of the nature of the job you do tend to become rather self absorbed and view your academic endeavours as higher than any other profession. Again, sorry to generalise.

[mummytime]

Would her father actually take care of her if you left her with him, or is he just as "absent minded" towards her? Depending where in Holland the job is there are some state funded international schools with much more reasonable fees.
So I'd advise looking into the practicalities of taking her with you too.

[DonInKillerHeels]

"you do tend to become rather self absorbed and view your academic endeavours as higher than any other profession"

That is complete nonsense. It's not true of me, and it's only true of a very small handful of my colleagues.