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AIBU?

vasectomy

19 replies

xPAULAx · 09/12/2011 10:19

I know that I'm most definately BU but I can't talk this out with my Husband so here I am.

We have 4 kids, all under 6, the youngest being 7 months old. I've tried every form of female contraception in the past but I have reacted badly to them all. The hormonal type caused all sorts of mood swings and the non-hormonal coil caused infections.

We'd been plodding along using condons but we both felt that they were a bit of a bit of a pain in the padded arse so DH plumped for a vasectomy, which he had two days ago.

In the discussions we've had about this choice we both agree that we have no business having any more babies at time's present because they're all so young. I said that, down the line, I couldn't rule out wanting another baby. He then said that, when I was pregnant with our last baby, my midwife had told him that it would be dangerous for me to fall pregnant again and, since my health was the most important thing, he couldn't see another choice.

Since then, when I've tried to speak with him about it he's been evasive by either pretending not to hear me or starting a discussion about something he read in the paper.

A few days after that I asked him why the midwife would say something to him pertaining to my health but not tell me and that I was going to speak to my doctor about it to confirm, for personal curiosity. He then back-peddaled and said that she said that it would be dangerous in the near future.

Frankly I don't believe that she said anything to him at all. He has said that he is happy with his life as is and even said after it was done that I should be happy that he loves me this much to do this for me! The cheek! I told him that this was a choice he had made for himself and that's when he said what he said about being happy with his life.

To clarify, I am sure that what he did was the sanest choice but I resent any implication my wanting another child down the line means that I'm not happy with my life. It means that I'm very maternal and can't just switch that side of me off in the face of reason. My feelings are no reflection on the four wonderful children we have and I think that this should go without saying.

I just don't know how to cope with the fact that, at 28, I'm no longer able to experience the joy of carrying, birthimg and raising a baby with the man I love. I know we're raising 4 other kids at the moment but that isn't the point.

Can anyone offer me some vitriol-free advice before I get bitter about this in the long term?

OP posts:

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xPAULAx · 09/12/2011 10:38

To add. He talked about thinking that we might have an ''accident'' before the vasectomy took hold. I thought it was a hurtful tease but said nothing because he tends to get mean when called out.

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IggyPup · 09/12/2011 10:49

My personal opinion is that you have enough children. It's none of my business of course and doesn't help you.

Try and consider this situation from his point of view. Maybe he is feeling under pressure from a large family, are you working? If he is the sole income earner perhaps this is contributing to the way he feels about more children. Children use up a lot of resources, not just financial. Possibly he is emotionally and time bankrupt and feel he cannot offer any more to another child?

My ex husband wouldn't have a vasectomy because he feared it may hurt. I too couldn't take the pill so we resorted to condoms and ultimately this led to spoiling the spontanaity of our intimacy and ruining our sex life.....he had an affair and the rest is history. I wish he had considered me enough to have had a vasectomy, you never know we might still be together......

I hope you can resolve this. Good luck.

tigermoll · 09/12/2011 11:06

His is not being unreasonable to have a vasectomy, - that is utterly his choice, and if he feels very strongly that his family is complete and doesn't want more children, then he has every right to do that.

He IS being unreasonable to lie to you about 'what the nurse said' - I would be very angry at his (quite lame) attempt at manipulation.

I just don't know how to cope with the fact that, at 28, I'm no longer able to experience the joy of carrying, birthimg and raising a baby with the man I love. I know we're raising 4 other kids at the moment but that isn't the point

My personal feeling is 'Woah, there! four kids under 6, the youngest just 7 months, and you are ALREADY pining for being pregnant AGAIN? Is there something else going on here, - ie only feel happy when you're pregnant, like babies more than toddlers etc' but that is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

Your partner clearly discussed his decision with you before he made it, - did you raise any objections at the time?

xPAULAx · 09/12/2011 11:08

Thanks for the advice. We both work from home. I know that I really need to get over this. I just can't help feeling a bit manipulated with how it's all come about.

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xPAULAx · 09/12/2011 11:14

Tigermoll as I've allready said, I told him that I couldn't rule out wanting another child in the future.

You've also said I'm pining for a baby again. This is not true. I've already said that we have no business having any more babies RIGHT NOW.

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xPAULAx · 09/12/2011 11:19

I totally respecr his right to not want any more babies but I feel that he has been less than straightforward with me about a very important choice he has made for our family future.

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tigermoll · 09/12/2011 11:33

I totally respecr his right to not want any more babies but I feel that he has been less than straightforward with me about a very important choice he has made for our family future.

I can see why you're angry, I would be too, especially about lying about you being advised not to have any more kids.

So when he said he wanted a vasectomy, and you said 'I may want more children in the future', what happened then? Did he talk about it further, or did he just go off and do it?

MrsPepperpotty · 09/12/2011 11:39

I agree that it sounds like he lied about the midwife's comment.

I don't think you should automatically be happy to stop at 4 kids - that's such a personal decision for everyone - but I do think your husband's wishes need to be taken into account as well, and it's very clear he doesn't want any more.

If I was you, I would have to ask myself, why did he feel he had to take such a manipulative route to getting his own way? Is it possible that he finds it hard to be honest with you on this topic - perhaps because it is such an emotional one for you? I think you two need to talk this through together rather than you getting over it on your own.

xPAULAx · 09/12/2011 11:40

When I said I may want more, that's when he came out with what the midwife supposedly said.

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MrsPepperpotty · 09/12/2011 11:42

Tigermoll

"His is not being unreasonable to have a vasectomy, - that is utterly his choice, and if he feels very strongly that his family is complete and doesn't want more children, then he has every right to do that."

Really?? I think it should be a decision you make as a couple!

tigermoll · 09/12/2011 11:48

Really?? I think it should be a decision you make as a couple!

Ideally, you should discuss it with your partner. But when you get right down to it, whether or not to get sterilised is a personal decision, and YOU get the final say. Your partner can express his or her preference, but they have no right to overrule your decision, or force you to get sterilised/not get sterilised against your will.

Whoever's body it is gets the final say.

xPAULAx · 09/12/2011 11:49

Mrspepperpotty he is often manipulative to get his own way in general. This isn't new. And I totally respect how he feels. I just feel like my own feelings have been disregarded. If I try to talk to him about things he does to manipulate me he gets shouty.

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elliejjtiny · 09/12/2011 13:21

The midwife wouldn't have told your dh that it would be dangerous to have more children, especially without telling you first. My midwife phoned and talked to dh and didn't even say who she was in case I hadn't told him yet.

I have 3 children and dc4 (unplanned) is due a few days before dc1's 6th birthday. I'm 29 so similar age to you as well. Unlike you though I'm desperate for dh to have a vasectomy although after dc3 I wasn't completely sure. DH wanted me to have my tubes tied because he said that if after our children grow up if I die first he might want to marry a 30 year old when he is 80 and have a baby with her. Um, good luck with that one DH . When I told him that it was his choice to not have a vasectomy but sex after this birth would not be happening until he'd had a clear sperm test after a vasectomy he suddenly thought it was a good idea!

What is it about pregnancy that makes you want to do it again? Before I found out about dc4 I always cried when I put DS3's outgrown clothes back into the loft. It was nothing that some new clothes in the next size up didn't cure though. It must be hard as a couple when one of you is ready to finish having children and the other one isn't.

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 09/12/2011 13:27

Erm, sorry but can I just ask how a vasectomy works? I know we don't want any more children, and it might be something we would consider long term. How does it work and does it stop the man coming?

Sorry for thread hijack, wanted to ask this for ages but can never get it out!

GiserableMitt · 09/12/2011 13:39

brandybutter, google "marie stopes". there's plenty of info regarding vasectomy there.

samandi · 09/12/2011 14:06

Christ. You have four kids at 28 and want more?? Personally I think if he decided he didn't want anymore that's a pretty sensible decision. YADNBU for being angry at being lied to though.

KatAndKit · 09/12/2011 14:49

He was wrong to lie to you about what the midwife apparently said.

He is being perfectly reasonable to think 4 children is enough. However, when you said that down the line you might want another, he should have been honest enough to reply that he was completely certain that he was definitely done with making babies. Rather than making up a story. Maybe it is hard for you to come to terms with the idea that you are done reproducing and won't have another baby, but even if you had ten kids, you'd still have to deal with that emotion sooner or later.

At the end of the day he is perfectly within his rights to ensure that he doesn't unwillingly father any more children. He has said he is happy with what he has. He discussed the vasectomy with you and then had it done. He should have been more honest, I agree, but I think he has almost certainly done the right thing.

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 09/12/2011 14:51

Wow OP are you me??
I have 4 and dh and i are talking about vasectomy. Difference is we dragged our feet making appointments etc and ended up pregnant with dc5 which while very welcome now she is kicking around in my tummy has been difficult - it IS dangerous for me to be pregnant i have had preeclampsia three times and you guessed it currently looking like ill get it again i feel ill, im on medication that makes me feel worse and im mnot due until the end of feb!.
We have already decided that as soon as we can after this baby he will have it done ( he is currently looking after the children, working and doing all the housework so it may be a bit much to add to his to do list before i am back on my feet properly!).

No matter what i know to be right or what anyone says, i feel sad. I cant help it it doesnt help that dh comes froma big family and that we could have mkre children and would both probably be happy to have more if it wasnt for the health problems so i feel a bit of a failure as a pregnant woman really. I wont miss being pregnant and tbh i wnt really miss little babies i dnt really know why i am sad but i have though i am 28 also (!) i have time to look after my current children and the new one and i have to time to get into a career i am interested in. I really want to train t be a nurse or a midwife i amm focusing on that rather than the no more babies.

xPAULAx · 09/12/2011 17:42

Good for you DirtyDishes! Focusing on my next step has been my concerntration too. I'm trying to think less of what I can't have and more on what I ''could'' have. Good luck with the training!

Elite, re: pregnancy. The best part of it is undoubtedly the end result but generally I enjoy being pregnant. It's such a unique, intimate experience.

I was raised in a big family and, as the eldest, I helped a lot with the younger kids. It was a joy and it's what made me want kids in the first place. I'm visually impaired and was told by a lecturer at college that this would, rightly or wrongly, lead to mistrust with parents if I applied to do childcare so I was discouraged.

Having my own kids has been immensely fullfilling and is such a privilage. I suppose it will take time to adjust but at least I'm getting these feelings out of the way before the menopause lol

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