To be fed up my mum wants me to do her paperwork

[funnyperson]

Now I love my mum but at 83 she is still a control freak and likes to feel she deals with property in 3 continents and keeps the family in order. I am fed up of going round there and being presented with a list of paperwork which she thinks is important and urgent which is usually neither and having to sit through hours of her wading through files getting panicky and being made to feel totally inadequate and guilty if I don't help her. She does not communicate electronically with anyone. She will not give up any responsibility. She will not see that spending hours when all I want to do is visit on a Sunday morning for a cup of tea and a social chat helps no one. For example today she is convinced it is important she organises someone to clean her gutters and get the moss off her roof tiles and and and and......I have my own household stuff to do. The files and chaos which is her paper work is completely unmanageable I just want to burn the lot. But, wait for it....she thinks she is organised!!!!!!

[HecateGoddessOfTheNight]

say no then. You don't have to do it. If you stop, then she will be forced to confront the reality of the situation - which is that she is not doing it and she can't manage, and she will be forced to put something more realistic in place. That can only be in her best interests in the long term, surely?

It will be more difficult in the short term, and you just have to choose whether you want to avoid the argument that would happen if you said enough mum, I'm not doing this any more or you want her to change and accept that she isn't on top of this stuff.

[funnyperson]

My mum then has this line of 'there is no one to help me I am all on my own' and goes to Age Concern. Aaaaarrrggghhh. Just now she wouldn't let me draw he curtains because she thinks it is difficult and has to be done in a 'special way'. It isn't difficult. There is no 'special way' . Aaarrrrrggghhhh. My problem is I think she would rather ask anyone for help but me. It makes me feel useless and as if I must be a really bad daughter because she doesn't trust me. She thinks she has a brain tumour but she doesn't . She has a dry scalp but will not put the hair oil on. She says her joints hurt but she won't take the brufen 'because it is medicine'. She says my dad won't eat but if I take some home made soup in, she will cook up some heavy stuff and give it to him so he vomits. But she won't offer him the soup. She basically wants to be queen of the castle which is fine but I just feel like I'm being treated like a dungbeetle when she needs the help. AAaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh.

[potoftea]

My mother is 81 and very like this, so I totally understand how you want to pull your hair out or scream when you visit.

My mam won't let my sis or I take care of anything, (organising tradesmen, paying bills, re-scheduling hospital appointments), but yet tells everyone how she has so much to do now my dad is dead, and no one to help. It drives me insane. The only way we are allowed to help is at a moments notice when she realises she can't cope. And god help us if we are busy and can't rush to her aid at that second!!!
If I try to organise her ("aren't you due to get a repeat perscription this week, will I order that for you"?) I'm told I'm too bossy.

So if you come up with a solution, please let me know!

[G1nger]

Won't you inherit her properties in a few years? Too much to ask for your help now?

[agedknees]

Not nice G1nger.

My dm spent a whole year bad mouthing my dsis because she would not take her here, there and everywhere.

Thing is my dsis had had a fit and had had her driving licencse taken off her. She was undergoing MRI and CAT scans etc.

Dm had not told a single one of her friends this, just enjoyed playing poor little me, no one will help me.

YANBU.

[DamnDeDoubtance]

I feel your pain, truly.

[funnyperson]

potoftea you are so right: my dad calls me bossy at times though at others he says thanks for looking after us (which makes me go all teary because I hardly do anything). My mum has this basic subscript after all these years which is that I am useless and incapable and there is no way I can keep house as well as she does unless its that she wants me to do a list of trivial paperwork on her terms at short notice.
Now I know she wants to stay independent but sometimes just sometimes I would like to hear from her that she trusts me and is happy to hand over and bring her household bill management into the modern age so that constant little trips to the bank (her 'hard work') are not necessary.