To be really sick on inlaws and their interfering!(24 Posts)
"Are you over feeding the twins?"
"His he really going to eat that much?"
"I think you should settle them in the room"
"Why don't you put them down to sleep awake"
"He looks like he is pulling at his ear - maybe he has an earache?"
I have 15 month old DS twins and DD4 years old. Had a tough/busy few years but rose to the challenge and loving it. Feel quite confident in my parenting style and think am doing a good job. However, it grates on me whenever I stay with my inlaws.
When the boys were about 6/8 months, they were on the real chubby side, I thought it was great and v healthy sign, but FIL was OBSESSED with asking me if I was overfeeding them.
At the time, was feeling v post-natal and vulnerable as anyone who has had twins will agree, the first year is v hard, esp when my boys were awake every 4 hours up to a year. I didn't say anything at the time, just bit my tongue, but still harbour resentment.
Then last week, MIL told me one of the boys looks like he has an earache - AS IF I BLOODY WELL WOULDN'T KNOW IF MY SON HAD A HIGH TEMP/EARACHE!!!!
Have an ok relationship with my in-laws but sometimes I wonder do they think I'm totally incompetent! Maybe IABU and lost prespective on this, but they do so much fussing/commenting on what am doing/not doing, it's bloody annoying!!
The other week we were staying with them, one of the boys feel and hit his head, I was right in front of him, but he tumbled, he was fine just a normal fall as was trying to stand and FIL took him out of the room and brought him off and i heard him in other room telling MIL what happened as if i wasnt looking after him.
I have always, out of respect to my DH, never said anything but now that am feeling stronger in myself, I feel like throwing a few sarcastic comments. Also, am not into moaning/complaining about how busy I am as my MIL always saying 'ooh you must be very tired, poor you' - annoying, patronising comments. I wouldn't please them so always have a cheery exterior.
Am just annoyed they feel it's ok to point out the negatives and correct me on every little thing when I know most people in my situation would have cracked/got a nanny!
AIBU or a bit resentful?
I sympathise but puking on them will not help. Although I guess it would make them go away?
I wouldn't make sarcastic comments though I'd say quite firmly 'well me and dh think we're doing a good job' everytime they say something
sometimes repetition is the only way to get through to some people
at the typo, although maybe a Freudian slip?
PILs have it in their heads that bfing doesn't provide babies with ENOUGH milk.
Just because that's what happened to SIL, their DD. Maybe we should swap babies on alternate days and stand a chance of keeping them all happy?
MIL drove me mad during the recent heatwave dressing/undressing baby DS. However I had dressed him was wrong, wrong, wrong.
Anyone in the IL's family a real gossip - ring em up and complain about MIL and FIL - it will soon get back to them in a roundabout way.
Dh and I amused ourselves this summer, responding to comments along these lines by saying out loud to one another: "Ooh, they don't think DS can be trusted with us, do they?" It worked!
It was even funnier considering DS was already 3 at the time! Given that your DD is now 4, I think you can take the piss out of their neuroses just a little bit! Seriously, you sound very stressed from holding yourself back, and why should you?
I think that the more you bottle it up the more sensitive you will be to their every comment. Saying something along the lines of what plupervert suggested I am sure will help you to let it go a bit more.
I recently posted about something similar and I need to follow my own advice!
ProffesorSnape - I am a MIL with 3 dils.......I remember my own MIL making those kind of comments and I vowed there and then (over 40 years ago) that I would never do anything like that when my turn came around. And I've kept to my word - in any event all of my dils are competent mothers and times have changed so much in 40 years and of course you young mums do things differently - much better too - oh the horror of those blody terry nappies (ok they are eco friendly) but I still recall trips to the launderette with the nappies in a pushchair to get them washed and dried. And wet wipes, how brill - we used to have a bowel of tepid water and cotton wool and changing mats.........I could go on.
What I will say is that I think it's sad that the age old MIL/DIL thing is still going on (this is just an observation by the way) - I rarely see stuff about MILS and SILs. My 3 sons are ok with their MILS but I know I matter more to them and of course I'm pleased about this - it's called being human!
I read a post once that impressed me of a dil who used to say in response to such comments "Oh I see what you mean, but I do it this way" you can alter the phrasing, so that you can say re earache " Oh do you think so, no I think he's fine" and go merrily on your way. I chose not to confront my own MIL and she got better as time went on. I think you can steer a track between full on confrontation and keeping things bottled up alone the lines I read from another young mum.
IF you can manage it all to the good - you could practice - get a friend to role play your MIL and make a comment that avoids confrontation but lets her know that you know best. I have said to all my dils that I would never under estimate a mother's intuition. Good luck! And you will probably be a great MIL when your turn comes around, especially as you have 2 sons.
Not really got anything to add professorsnape just wanted to reaffirm our relationship.
exactly the same here - when dd was a 3 day old baby and just lying in her moses basket, fil said "it's alright. I'm looking after her" and then 5 minutes later after studying her intensely, "I think she's hungry" - speaking to MIL...
and once when we went out with them for the day, as we were walking along he said to MIL "I don't think the children are warm enough, what do you think?".....
Have to say i reacted very badly to both. I can generally hold it together, but when they act as if they are parenting the children it's just too much and I really don't see why I should think of their feelings when they have no regard for mine.
so, no YABU
PMSL at practising phrenology (or summat) to tell what a newborn is thinking (presumably in the absence of crying/other communication)...
My parents used to be like that when my eldest DD was a baby. My dad would be eating something and would ask my mum if DD was allowed to try something. Or they'd say things like "make sure you dress her in something nice" when we were going round to visit. It used to make me so angry
YADNBU. My MIL has always assumed that I wouldn't have a clue what my DC needed. Whenever we have gone out for a meal she has always raced to produce wipes, spoons,
crap snacks, drinks, etc. Plus she would direct other family members to do various things like "SIL put DC in that chair". Another pet hate is MIL arriving, producing an outfit and immediately putting DC in it. I can understand her wanting to see what DC looks like in it but she knows that I always make an effort to put DC in outfits that people have bought when we see them. It always comes across that she doesn't approve of my clothing choices.
YANBU. I snapped last night when my FIL did he usual undermining/contradicting...I'm sick of it!
My DH said "she's tired, shall I take her up to bed?" for FIL to say, "she's NOT tired" this was after I picked her up to feed her (smacking her lips and mildly groaning as always when I'm late on her self established feeding schedule) and he insisted that she wasn't hungry.
MIL insisted this evening that DD needed a drink during dinner (DD playing with a rice cake and throwing sweet potato over board).
Me - nope, she's fine.
MIl - why don't I get her some water? heading towards tap
Me - jumping up and rinsing out doidy cup with boiling water and putting an ounce of EBM in quicker than she can get tap water ready She doesn't need tap water MIL, she's a BF baby.
MIL - give it here, you eat your tea
Me - She can hold it herself
MIL - she'll be better with a tippee cup
Me -no, this cup is fine
DD - RAAAAAAH throws BM all over floor and MIL's slippers
I think it proves my point that I know best....
Sorry, got my italics and bold mixed up!
I have 2yr old twin boys and a 5 yr old too ;)
I could have written what you have especially over the eating.... although my mum tends to think that my sons 'problems' (he has a neuro surgical problem) is the direct result of me picking him up too much when he cried as a baby. Dont even get me started on the favorotisim...
She also still peals & cuts grapes for the 5 year old...
Coffeedog, does she butter bread for your Dad?
Had exactly the same with my inlaws! The times I heard "in my day" arg!!! My mother in law kept going on that my first son should be potty trained at 9 months - sit him on the potty all day! She did my head in. I felt that I could never do anything right. In the end I sat down and had a chat with her about it and basically told her that I am a good mother, respect her views and opinions, times have changed and that I will bring my kids up the way I feel best. I must say after some time she did improve. What I found is when she started cos she just couldnt help it lol! I would say "yes mother" and she would know not to wind me up. I don't know whether you could do this but for me it was the right thing to do cos she stressed me out so much. Good luck. They mean well really!
OP, I think I'd say breezily saying each time the inlaws do it something like "yes, it's a miracle DD made it to 4 with my parenting isn't it, but somehow she did" and then just carry on. If you repeat it every time the message might get home without you needing to have a tricky confrontation.
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