Access to DC

[IMDH]

am I being unreasonable to ask my ex to see our two DC on my own? She says they "aren't ready" and "don't want to see me without her" so we end up having days out all together. This isn't what me or my new partner want. Should I force the issue?

[topknob]

How long you been with new partner? Would she be there on the visits?

[GypsyMoth]

She is wrong. But more info needed really

[RandomMess]

Unless your dc are very young then YANBU!

[duvetdayplease]

Er, unless your children are very young, you have had no contact for a long time or there is some other reason (like you have a confirmed drink problem or a violent history) then no it is normal AFAIK to see the children alone.

What are your contact arrangements?

[IMDH]

Been with new partner a year. DCs are three and seven. I'd like to see them for days out where my ex didn't spend all day talking about "the past" and "maybe trying again". That doesn't seem healthy for anyone. I am very clear that I have moved on. I'm happy. Except that I feel like I haven't got enough access to be the best parent I can

[GypsyMoth]

After a year it's acceptable to include her!

It sounds like your ex won't move on. I would recommend mediation, if that fails, take it to court.

[DogsBeastFiend]

At that age, unless I knew or had met the GF and spelled out what I expected of my children and a bit about them I'd be wary too. For example, I'd want her to know that she should expect good behaviour of them, not be scared to tell them off for climbing on the furniture, say, but also that the discipline and upbringing of them was, politely put, for me and their father to carry out and not her.

Question is, what do the children want? If they are insecure without mum present then, regardless of how YOU feel, that should be listened to.

[IMDH]

Always been a great Dad...looking after them is not an issue. My new partner clearly would want to be part of their lives though only over time and when the DC are ready

[GypsyMoth]

What is current arrangement?

[IMDH]

Current arrangement is one day every weekend, with other days and times for occasions when that can be worked out eg school events, parties. However last Sunday I turned up to collect them and once again we all four trotted off together. So it's fair to say IMHO that there isn't actually an arrangement?!

[GypsyMoth]

It's not good is it!

You should be having every other full weekend and perhaps a midweek overnight/tea/collect from school and half of holidays

You would get these via contact order with no problems, depending on what your ex comes up with to block it

What would her reasons be if she had to stand in front if a judge ( not saying go straight to court, should be last resort, but wondering what her official stance would be)

[GypsyMoth]

'Families need fathers' are good, contact them

[Birdsgottafly]

I would make it clear that you are putting a time limit on this arrangement.

I was going to say that it might be because of the age of the youngest but then i read that she wants you to get back together. On thay basis it isn't doing her any good you seeing the children together.

You may have to accept that you may have to get legal advice, once she has had a solisitors letter, she may give in.

[moonshineandspellbooks]

YANBU taking everything you've said at face value.

Do you think it's genuinely about your X being unable to let go or could it be that she's has the mistaken impression that she's acting in the DC's best interests by showing that you can still do things 'as a family' even though mummy and daddy aren't together anymore?

I agree with TIFF that mediation is probably the best way to go here. I suspect both of you are maybe second-guessing the reason behind each other's behaviour and not getting it altogether right (and why would you, since neither of you are psychic), which is something mediation can definitely help with.

If you both love your DC and can put them first, I'm sure you will find a solution to this.

[IMDH]

Thanks all. Feel very positive now

[Tyr]

Your arrangement is pretty poor- you don't even have overnights (why?) and your ex should be nowhere about. You can sometimes get to a stage where separated parents can attend an event together and that is good for the kids.
Your ex sounds like the typical control freak. There is no "one size fits all" but a typical arrangement would be alternate w/ends, some midweek contact and a fair share of holidays.
As regards your partner, it is always best to introduce kids slowly and sensitively but a year is more than enough.
Don't raise any of these issues in front of the kids but let her know that the arrangements are inadequate, propose reasonable levels of contact and suggest mediation with some words along the lines of "Surely we can come to some agreement without ending up in court like other parents"
If she has any sense, she will take legal advice and be told that she is being unreasonable and should agree something.
If you have to go to court, it may get nasty in the short term but best to get proper contact sorted before the kids get any older.
Make sure you keep a record, including photos of the good times the kids have with you and your partner- whenever they are given a chance.

[eurochick]

It sounds to me like your ex is using the contact to spend time with you because she hasn't given up on the relationship. I think you need to have a frank chat with her about moving on.

You should be able to see the kids on their own. You should also be having them overnight. I second the suggestion to try mediation if you can't change her mind yourself.

[PigletJohn]

talking about "the past" and "maybe trying again".

ah.