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AIBU?

AIBU to give up on DP

9 replies

wherehaveallthecowboysgone · 16/10/2011 18:14

Longtime lurker but driven to rage so need some perspective... or chants of leave the bastard

My (D)P and I are going through a bad patch. I am SAHM, we have various animals and an old house that needs a lot of looking after. He has been generally selfish for months; weekends for him are just that, every day is the same for me. He won't even get up in the night for DC on weekends so I haven't had a full nights sleep for weeks whilst he snores away. Promises he'll get things done such as fixing our heating but never does, when I get a man in I'm told off that we can't afford it. Many more examples but just trying to set scene.

We had a long standing engagement with his friends today (I don't know them well) but I have told him for days prior to this that I need more help and not to be treated like the unpaid maid. To cut a long story short I spent a lot of time yesterday and this morning preparing lunch to have with his friends today whilst he did nothing at all. When they arrived he didn't bother to help me out with conversation or offer drinks etc. I've been waiting on him and his friends whilst trying to sort out DCs. A couple of hours ago his friends suggested we go to our local pub which I agreed to. After 2 drinks I had to leave to put our chickens away so headed home with DCs. He then phoned me from the pub saying he wanted to eat dinner with his friends so wouldn't be back as he'd promised. I am livid. I now have to clear everything away from lunch despite him promising to, sort out DCs, and he promised he would cook me 'a lovely dinner' to say thanks for the effort I made at lunch.

AIBU to think he has no respect for me?

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troisgarcons · 16/10/2011 18:24

I never subscribe to the leave-the-bastard chants BUT I do subscribe to the make-a-rod-for-your own-back train of thought.

There is a lot of difference to having roles you enjoy and that of being a skivvy.

If you arent getting emotional support, then you need to initiate a discussion on why thats happening. It's going to be a two way thing.

One test is to flip a coin - your heart will tell tell on the way down if you still love him and it's salvagable, or whether there is nothing left to bother with.

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FabbyChic · 16/10/2011 18:27

He only cares about himself and his own well being, he is a selfish prick.

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ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 16/10/2011 18:29

I couldn't love someone or live with someone who treat me like that.

Only you know if you love him enough to want to try to turn this around.

Frankly, I doubt it's worth the effort.

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MangoMonster · 16/10/2011 18:30

It does sound like he's being quite selfish. I wish I knew how get my dp to do more too... Not sure what the answer is but I empathise.

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CailinDana · 16/10/2011 18:31

You say it's a "bad patch" - is it just a recent thing or has he always been like this? How old are the children?

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ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 16/10/2011 18:33

Leave the dishes for him to sort when he gets back. If the DCs wake tonight, give him a shove and say 'your turn'

He is being unreasonable, but so are you for putting up with it.

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slavetofilofax · 16/10/2011 18:34

When he gets in, he can do the clearing away. Until then, you can order a take away to be delivered, and he can pay for it.

Stop allowing yourself to be treated like a maid and show him you mean business.

If you need work done, give him a deadline and say if he hasn't done the job by x date, you will get someone in and he will be paying for it. Then follow through.

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Squishylicious · 16/10/2011 18:38

I think every relationship has problems but if it is making you constantly unhappy and there is no compromise from your OH then perhaps you should think about leaving, and if that would make you happier.
I work full time and OH is SAHD. Although he does 90% of the cooking (far better cook than me and he enjoys it while I hate it) the rest of the housework is split. He looks after DD more than me obviously, but I have 2 late shifts a week where I get up with DD so he gets a lie in, and then one lie in each at the weekend. Everyone deserves a bit of me time.

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wherehaveallthecowboysgone · 16/10/2011 18:52

arrgh my rather more lengthy message just disappeared.

i think you are right that i am being U to put up with it but it goes on for so long that you sort of dont notice it until something so infuriating happens you start to question the whole relationship. oh fabby, i wish so much i wanted to disagree with you. DCs are 5 and 14months but neither are great sleepers. i have no problem getting up to see to them i just cant believe he has no sense of responsibility towards their care or acknowledgment of what i do for him. i feel so exhausted with him around me.