to want to cut my abusive mother out of my life?

[fostermumtomany]

i havent spoken to my mum in 6 months, we hadnt fallen out, she just wont talk on the phone or get out of bed if i go round to her house.

a few days ago i had an issue with my niece who liives with my mum and dad.
she had spread some rumours around school about my son and so i asked her why, she bacme aggressive and abusive and then walked away mid-rant as per teenager behaviour.
anyway i rang my dad to ask him to have a word as she wouldnt stop shouting and swearing long enough to listen to me. dad said he would talk to her and find out why she was doing it. he rang me the next morning to say he had spoken to her and it wouldnt be happening again. so as far as i was concerned it was done and dealt with.
then today, 4 days after the event my mum rang me. i was suprised to say the least and straight assumed something had happened to my dad, i asked her what was wrong, and she let rip. how dare i accuse my niece of spreading these rumours (i know it was her as the school rang me to tell me what was going on), how dare i threaten to beat the crap out of her (???) and who do i think i am going to my dad to tell tales on her.
i couldnt get a word in to give my side, i thought about hanging up but i knew if i did nothing would be resolved so i thought i would just let my mum get it off her chest then i would have my say at the end.
anyway i never got my say as my mum ended the call by telling me im finished and as far as she is concerned i am dead to her as are my children.
im left thinking what the hell what that all about???

my husband told me to wait a day or two then ring my dad and ask him where it all came from, however i am sat here about 20 minutes ago and thought i would check my fb, i logged on and saw i had a notification, i clicked it and it was from my dad, who until today hasnt had a fb account, anyway the message on my wall read like this.....
how dare you accuse your mother on here of calling you and your kids t*s, she did not say that she has never said that and i want an apology or i will be taking you to court.

i didnt bother to reply, i just removed it, i havent been on fb all day and there is nothing on my fb to suggest i have been hacked and this has been put on my fb, there is nothing anywhere about my mum.
i have no idea where this has come from, or why he is being nasty to me as previously we have always been extremely close, my mum and i on the other hand, is a totally different story, she told me when i was 16 that she wished she had aborted me and that she resents me for taking her husband away from her, she never once cuddled me as a kid and i have got to 34 without her ever once telling me she loves me.
part of me wants to ring my dad and ask him what i have done wrong to warrent all this but then after what he put on my fb, im not sure. as for my mum i couldnt care less if i never saw her again tbh.
what do i do???? do i just cut them off or what?

[unpa1dcar3r]

Hi Foster
your mother sounds delightful- just like mine haha.
I disowned mine around 17 years ago and have never regretted it not once. She is horrid!
Since disowning her I have gained confidence, respect for myself and belief in what I can achieve (after 30 odd years of being told I was nothing, a waste of space, looked like the back end of a bus when i was born, would never amount to anything, was a whore, no daughter of hers and lots of other equally sweet sentiments, plus the physical violence I endured til I was 18, the chinese burns she'd give me for fun, to make her laugh when I cried, for the telling me I wasn't worth buying birthday presents for- although my sister got everything-plus also reflecting that behaviour onto my 2 older children who also got smacked her off, and much more)

If you've never been close to her and she's always put you down I'd give up trying to please her now and do your own thing. you will never please people like that so why bother. you'll just upset yourself.
I know it's not the done thing on here but sending you a big hug anyway.

[AgentZigzag]

Straight off, I think the relationship you have with your mum is so negative that you're definately better off without her in your life.

The things she's said to you, especially about aborting you and emotional neglect, sum up what you can expect from any contact with her in the future.

Your Dad on the other hand is a different kettle of fish, and it's obvious he's been the rock you've clung to in what sound like the very stormy waters you've had to survive.

Could how he's being at the minute be influenced by your mum, and he just can't show his love and support for you because of it, but which might change in the future?

If it was me in this situation, I would totally withdraw from it all and leave the ball in their court to see how things develop.

It looks like anything you do or say at the moment are only going to be taken with a negative slant, so let things calm down and wait to see what form your Dad will choose to contact you with.

I know that doesn't put your mind at rest now, but you're just going to wind yourself up more and more if you continue to be exposed to this type of behaviour from your mum and niece.

[Seabright]

Can you look at your Dad's facebook account and check it's really him? My I urial thought was it's a fake account your mother is running, pretending to be him

[squeakytoy]

I would ring your Dad up. There is every chance that it isnt actually him who has done that.

[fostermumtomany]

no its defo my dad, the wors that were used were him all over. my mother is computer illiterate so wouldnt have a clue what to do and plus the comp is down stairs and she doesnt go downstairs. she spends all day everyday in bed, as she thinks "my dad should run round after he rnow seeing as how she ran round after him when he had his stroke",
im so upset i cant even begin to explain it. i love my dad, my dad is, was my best friend. the person i called for help or when i had exciting news, or when i just wanted to hear his voice.
i have three older brothers also, and they havent spoken to my mum in years for this sort of reason, she just rips into people for no reason, my niece asked to be sent home from school today, she said she was upset, she told the teacher the reason she was upset is because i threatened to hit her, i have never ever threatened to hit her in my life. i have loved this kid since the day she was born, and when she was initially removed from my brothers ex, i wanted to have her live with me, but they wouldnt let me as i was only 19 at the time and living in a bedsit. so my mum and dad stepped in and gained custody of her. i have fought her battles stuck up for her, mediated when she has fallen out with my mum, you name it i have been there for her through it.
and now this. i feel like i have been smacked in the face. she told everybody my son had raped someone, he is 13 with autism. i only found out as the school rang me to tell me abou it and to let me know i should have a word with her about it.
i am absolutely heartbroken at what my dad out on my fb, i have lost my dad thanks to spite from my niece and my mother. i have tried to phone him, and he just let it ring and ring and ring.

[AgentZigzag]

You don't say how long ago it was, but could your Dads change in behaviour be down to the stroke he had?

Is it possible for you not to hold your niece too much to account for her behaviour, given what you know your mum to be and how she may be influencing her.

Although what she's accused your son of is absolutely appalling! What did she think you'd do? Just not say anything and let it go??

It's such a serious accusation.

What did the school say about it? Surely if they have this kind of knowledge they have to go to the police with it?

[fostermumtomany]

she admitted to the school that she had made it up, the teacher that phoned me wanted to give us a chance to sort it out before they decided whther to take any action or not.

also my dad had his stroke 15 years ago so he isnt being this way due to that.
nobody can influence my niece, she speaks to my parents like dirt, she pushed my dad down the stairs a few months back then came down behind him, offered him a hand up but instead of actually giving him her hand she kicked him. he had to have 15 stitches in his head.
if i didnt know better i would swear she has mental helath issues. i really really would.
my parents have just given up trying to discipline her or gain any control. she rules the roost but can do no wrong in my mums eyes, as far as my mum is concerned i have made all this up and im a liar, so on monday i am going to contact the school to let them know that i havent been able to rectify the situation and would they please step in and sort it. my parents can disblieve me but they cant ignore the schools side of events can they.

[squeakytoy]

my parents can disblieve me but they cant ignore the schools side of events can they.

Sorry to say, but I actually think they may just well do that.. :(

It sounds chaotic, violent, and completely disfunctional, and I think the best thing would be to give them all a wide berth in your life as sad as that is. You cant change them, and it is not worth the stress in your life really.

[fostermumtomany]

i know your right, i think i just wanted someone to make me feel better about my decision to cut them off really.
they are toxic and i dont feel like i can be there anymore with all the crap that goes with them.
i will miss my dad so much, so so much but its evident he does not feel the same way does he.
thanks everyone

[Spuddybean]

my goodness, this sounds horrific for you.

i would not ever speak to my mother or niece again. but i may write a letter to my father laying out exactly how i feel and propose a way we could maintain a relationship. but ultimately if he puts up with that behaviour i don't see what you could do.

i really feel for you as i have a narc dad, nan, grandad, sister and basically everyone in my family.

[squeakytoy]

Could any of your older brothers step in and talk to your Dad? Would he listen to them perhaps?

[AgentZigzag]

Just from the little you've written, I don't think the evidence points to your Dad not feeling the same way about you at all.

Being physically assaulted, and the fear of it happening again, must play a part in how he's having to be with you

Did you ever consider bringing anyone in from the police or social services about such a violent attack?

I know that would have had repercussions for you, but to have to continue living with someone who had done that to him, must have been/is very frightening for him.

What did they tell the hospital had happened?

[squeakytoy]

actually, going back to this that you have said..

she pushed my dad down the stairs a few months back then came down behind him, offered him a hand up but instead of actually giving him her hand she kicked him. he had to have 15 stitches in his head.
if i didnt know better i would swear she has mental helath issues. i really really would

That would indicate she most definately has got some sort of mental health issue. A psychotic one at that. Normal behaviour is not pushing someone downstairs, and as for kicking them after, that is just unbelievable, and wicked.

I would actually be ringing social services and sending them round to that house, as it is certainly not a healthy environment for anyone living in it from what you have said. :(

[fostermumtomany]

dad told the hospital he fell down the stairs.

my brothers cant step in as my dad is banned from speaking to any of them, my mum wont have them in the house and as a result they just cut all ties, my parents dont even have their phone numbers. my eldest brother lives in dubai anyway, he went there with work and never came back.
my other brother doesnt speak to them due to them having custody of his daughter and him being peed off about it and my other brother borrowed my mums little banger car and someone crashed into him, he nede up inhospital in a bad way and my mum just kept screaming at him for the money. the ward staff had to get security to escort her out, this was years ago and they havent spoken since.
i have just tried to ring my dad again and he answered the phone, when i said dad can we talk he hung up.
i dont want to get social services involved as my dad would never ever forgive me and i cant stand the thought of that.