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AIBU?

in thinking I've had enough of this 'friendship'

32 replies

PinkPoncho · 12/09/2011 23:07

Background: met a nearby mum when dcs were toddlers, became friends. By the time our boys were starting preschool and school problems started. I'm really supportive of other mums and would go out of my way to help someone in a crisis. However, just as they started preschool I was about to have my second and she just having the one, she started some work for a nearby college which offered support work flexibly within the 9-3 day. There was going to be a problem for her to get there at 9 as the preschool opened then, so I offered to mind our two dcs (who are good friends) in the playground for ten minutes or so to help her out. (pregnant at the time- wouldn't have obviously with newborn!). But she was late. Each time. So I stopped. We were applying for schools and wanted to send the boys together so we did.

When my second baby came it was a struggle getting them both out and to the preschool and I often thought it would have been nice to have had her support in terms of something simple like getting together for the older boys to play and it would have made it easier to go somewhere like the park, but there was none of that (she did 3 days/ half days at college and wanted to keep the rest of her time for her ds. Often would say she coming to meet me out somewhere then change her mind (leaving me stressy and rushing home on occasion)

Then she found trouble with the settling in period (6 weeks of half days) I was quite assertive at this point as with a 8month old and school starter knew it would be enough for me just mine. I can't remember what happened in the end, think her ex (who shares custody and is very reliable and kind) did a lot/took leave. There was a bit of a guilt trip though.

They're in year 2 now. We have to cross a couple of busy roads and up a steep hill to the school, and with both of mine it's quite a challenge. At the start of each term she gets really friendly, like we've hardly seen each other in the hols (she seems to really dislike meeting up with my new dc (now 2) and will either ask us all somewhere really inappropriate like rollerskating or the cinema, or Pizza Express.) Then she's start off going on 'thank you for blah...yes isn't it funny blah...on i was just wondering...then asks me to collect her ds as an arrangement, in return mine can go a playdate another time. But it's too much. Like me taking them all into town with toddler in town (neither of us drive) waiting till 4 for them to do a drama club, for example. Every week, on a set day. And then every second week, after football. (mind you that time she did ask for my ds to hers the other week, in return). So she will offer something in return, but not something useful/helpful to me.

I've only once asked for her help, when my dp was away, the baby was ill, I asked if she would take the two boys to school in a taxi paid for by myself. she did that.

The worst thing is that if I say no she stops the boys playing together. If I don't do things as she asks she'll just say 'well we'll leave it then' and not ask ds round. And when I tried to arrange a playdate with her ex she wouldn't let him, got really funny saying no

So, today things came to a head. Last week had arranged for alternate weeks on a Thursday boys to go for tea and and mine/hers. Ds pleased with this, although it's a bit tricky for me as after football club so the lollipop man for the busy road will have left, I'll have to get them sorted out of their football stuff with a busy toddler but I agree as it's the only day suits her.

Today- Second week back and I think her first week/ day back at work. 8.40am phone rings, rings and rings, she rings 3 more times leaving a message about the after school pickup on Wed 'I wondered what arrangement we have..' I think will ring her later, return from toddler group to more missed calls also on mobile. Ring her "I've been trying to get hold of you.." I am reprimanded then asked to pick up each Wed, take them all into town, the though of which fills me with dread, take them to the drama club which starts at 4...I keep saying no but each time get told 'but she can't get up to the school on time' 'she can't afford a taxi' 'she 'has to load disabled people onto a bus' 'she won't get any maternity pay if she cuts her hours down' Well join the club! (I didn't get that either did I with my second as was sahm!)

I eventually agreed to try it for a few months, (I did do it once putting all 3 in a taxi which scared me too and sorting the buggy etc with the taxi driver was a struggle) Then, I was upset when off the phone and texted her to say I had decided not to as she had been offered a lift with a mother with a carseat and this would be a safer option. She texted back to say better not do the other playdate then as 'would also be a safety issue'

So now feel very silly, and guilty- why! Dp tells me they have 3 adults and one child (she has ex and new husband/stepfather) whereas we have 2 so they should be able to cope. Argh! Sorry this is so long, and a bit garbled. I'm tired and a bit frazzled about it all. One time it was a sports after school club and I was collecting from school and helping the boys with their shoes. My toddler vanished in the crowd/ muddle- it was so scary. (school near a road and open) the TA found him thankfully and quickly but I was in tears, her main concern was to call her hairdresser to say would be late as an incident...so now made to feel am a safety risk/not confident! It's not like that though, surely she should understand that with a 2 yr old and a 6 yr old living in a busy city I only have two arms. And quite often want to hold them both across the road (cars around here a scarily fast- I'm from the country and it still terrifies me the traffic.

Anyway what would you do? She is going to have a baby soon and I can see that will be a tricky one. My gut feeling is to want to move away! (bit extreme). I don't really think the friendship has much hope really I'm too cross. The boys are sweet together though. I'll have to explain to ds not why they can't play on Thursday. Feel like it's my fault arrgh!

Spoke to her ex, we are friends a little. He says she is just like that with him, in fact he always has to fit in with her and change his work days etc. That it will blow over and by next week she'll have forgotten about it. I'm not a partner though!

Also just out of interest, AIBU getting stressed about popping children in taxis with no safety belts?

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moondog · 12/09/2011 23:09

God, what a vile woman.
Tell her to eff off.