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to not want my mum in my life anymore?

(15 Posts)
needsanswers Fri 02-Sep-11 01:16:06

highlights...
broke up with my dad when i was 2, met my brothers dad when i was 3, had my two brothers, broke up with that guy when i was 11, from that point going out clubbing thursday, friday, saturday night with me babysitting, brothers were aged 4 and 1, that went on till i was 14, i did have friends stay over in the weekends because i was very rarely aloud to stay away because there was no one to look after brothers, she started working nights at this stage and i left school had a full time job, i wanted to move out with bf but wasnt aloud due to babysitting duties again bf ended up moving in, a few months later she met a man on the internet, they talked on the phone for a few months came to our town (he lived a few hours away) for what us kids were told was him meeting us and her etc, he ended up moving in that day.. he was a ex gang member, lazy didnt do anything, drunk HEAPS, and did drugs, i then got depression at 16 and was told to stop working for a bit to get the right medication etc, i was worried about how i would pay board etc mum said not to worry about it..
after about 6weeks off work, my mum confronted me yelling at me saying i owed her $500 etc she wanted her money, for the 1st time in my life i stuck up to her and said u said i didnt have to worry about $? she was high on marijuana at the time, got really mad that i had spoken back to her and started punching me... afterwards i jumped out my window and called my dad to pick me up, (only saw him 2-3 times a year he had new family, wife, kids etc.
didnt talk to my mum for a while, tried to commit suicide and then moved in with my dad. after several months i got in contact with my mum to see how she was etc, i also felt really bad for my brothers as the only family they have is my mum. We started getting on very well, went to a wedding with her of 1 of her work friends were i met my amazing dp ( who i have a 3yr old dd a son on the way and just got engaged) everything was going great. until her bf started sending me very disgusting sexual txts, example iwannalickyourclit... i didnt reply and showed mum her answer was he didnt know what he was sending... a day later she rand me abusing me saying i had led him on... (which i in no way did i couldnt stand him and bearly spoke to him) i was trying to ruin her life, im never happy if shes happy.. the bf was yelling in the back ground hes gonna get ppl to smash me... i was a mess, went to dp house (still lived with his parents) to find my mum had rung dps stepmum (her work mate) and told her she better watch i was gonna try and steal her husband etc and ALOT of other very untrue things. I then was no longer alloud at thier house.
Again didnt talk to mum for awhile but her bf kept getting sent to prison and everytime he did she would always call me apologisng and with her being my mum i always forgave her.. dp and i have lent her more money then i can even remember. Once they got kicked out of their house while i was preg with dd they had no place to go so dp and i stayed with friend for a week so they ( mum, bf, 2brothers, their dog) could stay in our tiny 1bdroom flat... she didnt have much to do with dd when younger as i wouldnt allow her bf at our house which ment she didnt visit. Her bf stole off a gang, she needed money so stole off her work, got caught, got arrested, lost her job and now has criminal record. after her bf cheeting on her etc she finally kicked him out, we gave her more money. started being a great grandmother to dd would have her to stay every second weekend, was there for me when dp and i seperated for a week, she really helped me through it.... she didnt have a car so i would take her shopping every week etc, dp and i got a 2nd car cheap $1000 run about, got into money trouble and couldn't afford to keep paying it, my mum offered to take over repayments and pay us back the 400 we had already paid (never paid us back) she refused to look for a job beacause her excuse was her bf had ruined her life and it was his fault she couldnt get a job etc i finally got her a job at my work, but she still complains its not good enough as its just cleaning, she stared getting wasted all day everyday again sees dd for maybe an hour every 3weeks, kept telling me its time we have another baby etc etc now im 25weeks preg she says im not ready and wont be able to cope, always makes me feel like im a bad parent when i would die for my dd, some good friends i had i made the mistake of introducing them to her because she had no friends, she managed to turn me against them and make me think they were back stabbers etc when in fact they wernt now iv lost my good friends... but at the day shes my mum the only family i have. (my dad now lives on the other side of the world to me) i love her soo much, and she was there for me last year when i really needed her... and i feel i need to be their for my brothers... so sorry for the long novel... if anyone is still reading, please can i have some advice? dp saying he doesnt want anything to do with her but dd misses her.. ( i havnt spoken to her for a few weeks...

ChaosTrulyReigns Fri 02-Sep-11 01:59:52

Oh.

YANBU

sad

Concentrate on your own family and imminent arrival - that's where your attention needs to be. smile

notanumptyalways Fri 02-Sep-11 02:12:13

Oh dear sad

I also think you should concentrate on yourself, your kids and DP, and your brothers who will probably need you at some point.

needsanswers Fri 02-Sep-11 02:24:01

thank you for your replys i just dont want to turn my back on her i think shes quite depressed and feel somewhat responsible for her as she has no one else, and was there for me when i needed her last year... as far as my brothers go if i choose not to be apart of her life that means i will no longer be apart of their life as they both still live with her and are only 17 and 12.
But i do think you aswell as dp is right in saying my life is alot more stress free and happier when she not in it, just very sad that it has come to this

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 02-Sep-11 02:26:52

Just stay the hell away. You can only feel guilty and worry about her if you spend time around her. Out of sight out of mind, and remember- if she had been kind to you, you would want to spend time with her. So she made you feel this way therefore you ow her nothing and should not feel guilty either"

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 02-Sep-11 02:28:10

There is no reason the 17 year old cant hop on a bus with the 12 year old to visit you or meet you somewhere for you to pick them up. They can say they went to the mall

notanumptyalways Fri 02-Sep-11 02:31:32

Your brothers will come of age one day and if they need you or you want to keep a close relationship with them, you can always be there for them.

For the moment, you need to sort your life out away from your mum who is obviously dragging you down with her negativity and bad choices.

It is sad, but not something you should feel bad about doing.

Thumbwitch Fri 02-Sep-11 02:33:21

YANBU but agree that it would be good for your brothers to still have you in their life, so not sure how you can work that one out. If the elder of the two is 17, he is nearly at the point where he could leave anyway - is he likely to? Will that just leave the 12yo on his own with your rather hopeless mother? And at that age, or in fact at both their ages, why would they not want to stay in touch with you, they can choose for themselves, surely?

I would suggest you detach from the dramas in her life. See her maybe once a month, in a neutral environment, like a café or the park, so she can see your DD and you can fulfil your filial obligation and ease your guilt, but do NOT get drawn into her dramas. She's a grown woman, FFS! Let her deal with her own shit herself, and be there for your brothers if/when they need you.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Fri 02-Sep-11 02:46:43

You drew a short straw in the parental stakes and you've had a rough ride, but you've come through and now you need cut the ties that bind and live your life the way you want to without the millstone of your not so dear mother around your neck.

You say shes my mum the only family i have but that isn't true. Your family is your dp, your dd, and your forthcoming ds, and you must not give your toxic mother any more opportunities to cause mayhem and upset in your life.

Your mother has had many chances to be a good parent, but it seems that she only came through for you on one occasion for a very short time. I suspect that if she had been involved with yet another man, she wouldn't have put herself out for you and you would have been disappointed once again by her failure to care for you in the way that you care for your dd.

She's a taker and a user, honey - and most probably uses recreational substances too. Please don't be taken in by her because she's unlikely to change for a very long time, if ever.

I hope that her employment with the company you work for will be shortlived, and that she won't be able make your employers think any less of you by spinning more of her tales.

You've said that your dp doesn't want any more to do with her and it's not hard to understand why. Your dd may miss seeing her dgm for a while, but she is very young and that will soon pass.

IMO your best chance of happinesss and security lies with the family that you have created, and you are best advised to either completely cut contact with your dm or keep it to an absolute minimum.

If you should need/want to see her, do so outside of your home. Meet in a neutral place and don't get caught up in her melodramas, otherwise you'll find that you are parenting her and she will impinge on your relationship with your dp.

This doesn't mean you can't be 'there' for your brothers, but do try to break free of your past pattern of being, effectively, their dm as they need to grow and find their way in the world just as you have done.

As for the good friends you've lost; it could be that some of them will come back to you but, if not, you'll make new ones who will stand the test of time.

ShoutyHamster Fri 02-Sep-11 10:01:56

She's no mum worthy of the name.

Your family is your immediate family - your dp and your children.

The most important point - from now on, you need to be careful - if you keep on letting her back into your life in order to poison it, in the end it will afffect your relationship with your children. And that you really do not want.

Stay well away from her. Your best chance of a happy future is one where this vampire isn't in it.

kelly2000 Fri 02-Sep-11 10:32:40

Would she have been there for you if her lovely boyfriend had been there? Forget her, do you want her poisoning DDs mind? She sounds like she is nice when and only when it benefits her.

needsanswers Fri 02-Sep-11 23:17:59

thankyou so much for all your advise, i no you are all very much right, just the guilt gets to me..
growing up i was lucky and still saw my dad sometimes, my brothers however didnt see their dad, which means they are very close to my mum they would never speak to me for the fear of her finding out, she is also constantly badmouthing me to them.. my 17 yr old brother has depression, left school at 16 he doesnt leave the house anymore, dp tried to help him by taking him to work with him to get him out of the house (dp carpet layer) but we wernt in any position to pay him so thought it be best if he finds a job of his own, no such luck... so mum and two brothers sit at home all day everyday, (other then the 1hour my mum works 5days a week and little brother goes to school..most days). i just feel like its my responsibility to help them somehow.
my mum also has threatened to commit suicide several times and am afraid if i choose to walk out on her she might do through with it...
I however do agree with all your comments and agree that dp, dd and my son who will be born in 3months is and should be my main focus and i am so very greatful to them as they are completely amazing! and its true that i do feel like a little part of me is missing when shes not in my life, it just sucks that i have this amazing life while mum and brothers are miserable, she is right in away it does make me quite selfish... best to stay away tho, for my families happiness..
thank you again for all you comments and every time i feel like im going to give in i will be reading this thread, which somehow made me feell stronger and a little less selfish smile

FabbyChic Fri 02-Sep-11 23:51:46

Cut her out of your life she is nothing but poison. Get on with your life and be happy without her in it. She is a waster and a loser.

reelingintheyears Fri 02-Sep-11 23:59:35

Paragraphs would make it easier.

musicposy Sat 03-Sep-11 00:10:53

You absolutely don't need to feel guilty. She should be feeling guilty, not you.

You really do need to walk away and go with what your dp thinks on this one. You need to make a life with him and your children, and from what I've read here, she's going to sap any future chance of happiness from you. You can't have her in your life, because she will mess it up for you, and your children need that not to happen.

One day your brothers will be old enough to see the bigger picture. Be patient and enjoy the life you have with your family - your dp and your children, but not your mother. This way you'll make sure your children grow up with a far better life than you ever had.

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