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AIBU?

To hand over contraceptive responsibility?

19 replies

Ismeyes · 01/09/2011 19:56

We are already have one child. I would like to have another child, but DH would not. We have discussed this frequently over the last couple of years and the discussions are always calm and we can both see each others point of view, but we just can't agree. We have been together just over 10 years and obviously talked about these things before we got married, we agreed that we didn't want a huge family but 1 or 2 children.

As I said, I understand his point of view and that we have not agreed, but I do feel resentful about actively preventing pregnancy myself by using contraception. Would I be unreasonable to say to him that I continue to respect his choice, but I want him to sort out contraception for himself?

OP posts:

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AuntiePickleBottom · 01/09/2011 19:57

yanbu.

but how would you feel if he went to have a vasectomy

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/09/2011 19:58

YANBU. If he's the one who's bothered he should take responsibility.

Ismeyes · 01/09/2011 20:00

I have invited him to have a vasectomy, if only to end my agony at thinking that I might change his mind one day (selfish I know), but he said he didn't want to do that.

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LadyBeagleEyes · 01/09/2011 20:01

No, YNBU at all.
He is the one that should take responsibility as he's the one that doesn't want any more children.
If he feels that strongly, he can have a vascectomy. sp.

naturalbaby · 01/09/2011 20:01

well what do you want him to do? i'd rather take a pill every day, even if i did want more kids, than the other options.
my dh would have more than gladly had the snip after ds1. 2 more dc's later...

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 01/09/2011 20:01

What are his reasons for not wanting another dc?

AngryGnome · 01/09/2011 20:03

yanbu, but the only way he can sort it out for himself are condoms or a vasectomy. As Agentpickle says, how would you feel if he had a vasectomy?

If you are in a relationship, contraception should not be the responsibility of one OR the other - it is up to the couple to decide together what form of contrapception you would prefer to use.

I think that rather than abdicating responsibility for contraception, you and your DH need to sit down for a serious chat about what is best for your family. It's really hard - you have my sympathy.

blackeyedsusan · 01/09/2011 20:05

yanbu. tell him that having considerred the side effects of the pill and it is his turn to organise things now.

Ismeyes · 01/09/2011 20:05

He can use a condom - at least we both know its there! Imagine if I forgot to take a pill, I'd worry he thought I did it on purpose.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/09/2011 20:05

Well, it doesn't have to be condoms or a vasectomy. As a couple, they could have non-penetrative sex. Problem solved.

(Yeah, I know, I know...)

Ismeyes · 01/09/2011 20:07

Which I absolutely wouldn't do by the way! I'm not that stupid. The serious chats always end with me backing down, but I still feel resentful underneath. He does know all this.

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Ismeyes · 01/09/2011 20:07

That wasn't to OldLady by the way, cross post!

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lachesis · 01/09/2011 20:08

YANBU.

Tell him you're not going to use it anymore and if he doesn't want another child he knows what to do.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 01/09/2011 20:10

YANBU He doesn't want another DC so it's his responsibility to control his fertility, whether that be through condom or a vasectomy. Why should you keep putting chemicals in your body to prevent something he doesn't want.

TheOriginalFAB · 01/09/2011 20:13

YANBU.

I wanted more kids, DH didn't. He had the snip though to be fair he has taken 100% responsibility for contraception the whole time we have been together.

Ismeyes · 01/09/2011 20:19

Izzywizzy lots of reasons, loves dd to pieces, financial stability, no family nearby, u suppose he just likes things the way they,are. I also had a period where I agreed, but that changed.

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WoTmania · 01/09/2011 20:21

YANBU - DH had a vesctomy as he didn't want anymore children (we have 3 together) and I want/ed more and as he knew wouldn't be doing anything about birth control he did it.
We did have 3 DC at this point though.

CarnivalBizarre · 01/09/2011 21:32

My DH is terrified of having a vasectomy and I have to respect that but in his defence, his father had a vasectomy 24 yrs ago and self healed resulting in my 20 yr old SIL - so he thinks there is a risk of history repeating itself

I know there is little chance of that happening but I am tired of requesting sterilisation and being denied despite having 6 DC and recently having a MMC - I have said this on here before and I'm still no nearer getting a positive answer from any of the GP's at my practice as I haven't yet tried the implant or the coil - so for the time being I am stuck on the depo shot which gives me really bad mood swings

I'm now thinking that my only option is to change practices and see if I have any luck there

Uglymush · 01/09/2011 21:44

YANBU - as you said although you wouldn't deliberately not take the pill, it is not 100% effective and I would hate to hear that you had further problems if an accident did happen.

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