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I know it was said as a joke, but AIBU to actually feel hurt over this?

(22 Posts)
PotterWatch Sun 28-Aug-11 22:32:10

Was at a family wedding last week (my family). Me and DH had already agreed that he would take the children (3.6 and 6 months) home from the reception early as they would be tired. I would get a taxi home later. DH had no problem with this, it would have been nice if DH could have stayed but our usual babysitters are my nan and grandad, who were obviously at the wedding.

DH was getting ready to leave at about 7.45, DD was getting very fidgety as she is used to going to be between 6.30-7.00 so it was late for her. I said bye and sat back down. My grandad then asked why I wasn't going home with my family. I said my family was here and DH was happy to take the children home and put them to bed. I was in a happy mood, had had a couple glasses of wine so was pretty lighthearted about the whole thing. He then said I was a bad mother (in a joking way). I know he is a very old fashioned man and he finds it astounding that my friends and I are married with children yet we still go on the odd night out, he did ask me before if that is the way I should behave, I just laughed at him.

I do know what he is like, we have a good relationship, he and my nan brought me up and he has been very very good to me, I can't fault him apart from how strict he was with me when I was younger, I think even he knows he went too far sometimes.

Even though I know he said it as a joke, it still rankles a bit. I did say it to others and they gasped but I said "oh he was only joking" I also thought I looked a bit fat in the photos as I still have a bit of baby weight but I am down to a size 12, but as someone who has always been slim, I feel a little bit big. I said it and he said "yes you are fat" again in a joking way.

I am someone who takes things to heart and I HATE having the micky taken out of me. The men in my family have always done it and I do feel ganged upon sometimes. My 'mother' abandoned me when I was 4 (at my grandparents) and she WAS a bad mother. I am not and I don't see that staying at a family wedding (the first time in years and years that my family had actually been together).

Am a being a bit sensitive about it?

NorfolkBroad Sun 28-Aug-11 22:35:57

Potterwatch you are being really over sensitive about it! And I would be exactly the same! I know just what you mean! I am also used to being ridiculed by the men in my family and it really, really bugs me. I have to say that in their case i know that it is good natured but it still upsets me a bit.

worraliberty Sun 28-Aug-11 22:37:19

YANBU to feel sensitive about it

But you said yourself, he's old fashioned and you knew he was joking about you being a bad mum....though that's still something everyone knows you don't say in jest no matter how old they are.

The weight thing was a tad off, but to be fair you were the one who brought your weight up.

You use the expression 'big' to mean 'fat'....but he uses the expression 'fat' to mean 'fat'.

Really I think you should have avoided mentioning that at all.

carocaro Sun 28-Aug-11 22:37:41

Yes you are being sensitive, but I totally understand why. I hate having the piss taken out of me, in fact my Grandmother always said I looked fat and tired and got my brother cream cakes and worshipped the ground he walked on, yet it was me who took her food shopping! She was vile and not very nice. I am sure your Grandad was just being jokey, but just being crap at it, also a generation thing too, The kids going home with Daddy whilst you stay, sounds perfectly excellent to me, I've done similar and so have others.

Bad mother, total shite!

NorfolkBroad Sun 28-Aug-11 22:40:47

Worraliberty, you are so right. My BF told me that I am constantly putting myself down in a jokey way and then when some others agree it really upsets me! Since she pointed this out I have tried really hard not to do it and it has made a difference!

bubblesincoffee Sun 28-Aug-11 22:41:40

You are being over sensitive, but understandably. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and you know it.

But part of being a Mum seems to be feeling needlessly guilty about things, and I know I would probably feel a twinge of guilt staying out while my dh and children went home leaving me to enjoy something. Is there a tiny part of you that feels a little guilty, and that's why you are taking it to heart so much.

Please know, that I'm definately not implying that you should feel guilty, because quite simply, you shoudn't. But I know that I would probably feel the same as you in your situation and unreasonable guilt would probably be the cause!

joric Sun 28-Aug-11 22:42:09

He sounds like he was teasing but if you are feeling a bit sensitive it can be hard to handle. Don't let it bother you sad He sounds nice and probably has no idea he's hurt you.

YummyHoney Sun 28-Aug-11 22:42:30

I think YABU. He helped raise you after all. He's a different generation, and men of that generation think differently. Lots of older folk think like that - don't take it to heart - just remember how much he has done for you and that he obviously loves you.

susiedaisy Sun 28-Aug-11 22:43:46

Its a generation thing, don't worry smile

worraliberty Sun 28-Aug-11 22:48:51

I'm glad it's made a difference Norfolk

I think it can often make the other person feel a bit awkward. I know sometimes when someone points out something like that about themselves to me, I'd look stupid if I said 'no you don't look big' (if they do) but if I agreed with them, I know they'd most likely get upset.

Then I think 'wait a minute'...why do I want to discuss it at all? grin

smallmotherbigheart Sun 28-Aug-11 22:55:02

Its one of those things, perhaps atm you are feeling a bit down about yourself and his jokes only added insult to injury? i dont think he meant anything by it but I certainly know what its like when you arent feeling positive about yourself and someone cracks a joke about appearances or current situations. I think you should forgive yourself for feeling sensitive about it. He is a person whose point of view you regard as important, but to be honest your own feelings and thoughts about yourself are much more significant, otherwise you may have just brushed it off xxx

PotterWatch Sun 28-Aug-11 22:58:59

I think it stems from my fear that as my 'mother' was so shite then I must have some of that in me and as he knows I am very sensitive about that subject (any mention of my 'mother' has me squirming, something that he pointed out to me many years ago) I am surprised he would make a joke like that.

I do think my family really underestimate how much I do take things to heart. And yes I did feel slightly guilty when they left, partly because I was relieved and I could just get drunk and have fun and not have responsibilies for a few hours (I am a SAHM so I am with the children 24/7).

worraliberty Sun 28-Aug-11 23:01:11

Perhaps he'd had a couple of drinks himself and that took away the tact from what he was saying?

Either way, I think you're over thinking it.

PotterWatch Sun 28-Aug-11 23:13:58

grin at the thought of hime being slightly tipsy.

He isn't a drinker, he has 1 a couple of times a year, thats it.

I wanted my nan to have a couple but she wasn't having any of it (she has never been drunk, I am just curious to see what she would be like, grin).

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sun 28-Aug-11 23:18:43

Was he actually joking or was he doing that bloody annoying thing people do where they say nasty things that they actually DO mean, but they say them with a smile on their face and if you get upset, they tell you that they were joking?

charitygirl Sun 28-Aug-11 23:27:58

He sounds like a bit of a twat all round really - obviously a father figure to you, but as we get older we can recognise the faults in our parents/gps. We can even still love them while acknowledging their faults, and trying to limit their power to hurt us.

blackeyedsusan Sun 28-Aug-11 23:39:24

weeellll we alll know that you have to be surgically attached to your children until they are about 30 and can afford their own house.

yanbu. those things hurt, and go deep, very deep. if your dh is capable(mine not) then why not let him. he is their parent after all.

(actually I want to post yabu... because its not faiiiirr <weeps> envy envy envy )

ChippingIn Sun 28-Aug-11 23:49:52

I think you are understandably sensitive to this. It's only natural to worry about being a good mother when your own mother abandoned you. It was very insensitive of him to 'joke' about this with you, if that's what it was. I, however, think it's somewhere in between. I think he was letting you know he doesn't approve of you staying while DH takes the children home - which is just a generational thing, but given what your mother did it was very tactless of him to accuse you of being a bad mother - even in a lighthearted way.

GwendolenHarleth Sun 28-Aug-11 23:49:57

I think he was being insensitive rather than you being oversensitive. You say he said the things in a jokey way, well it's not a very funny joke really. There was nothing wrong with you staying at the wedding. It certainly doesn't make you a bad mum and size 12 is not fat. Oh to be a size 12! grin

aldiwhore Mon 29-Aug-11 11:03:10

I'm usually the one who calls myself a 'bad muvver' when out having a blast with older relatives... I get in there first. He was joking. You're a mum, and he pressed your guilt switch, not his fault. Neither of you was unreasonable.

I don't buy the generation 'thing' completely, but banter and lightheartedness can often be misconstrued.

At my Grandpa's funeral, the older men commented on my TROUSERS, sniffed that I must be a modern woman, and refused to make tea, expecting me to do it even though I had a baby in my arms. Meh. Their problem not mine, my confidence stopped me being angry, and I just laughed at them.

defrocked Mon 29-Aug-11 11:42:28

lol at saying ooh look at me, i am fat and then being annoyed someone agrees

so you didnt really feel fat, just wanted them all to rush in with oooh no you are fabulous? fishing or what grin


lazarusb Mon 29-Aug-11 12:27:15

My mum left when I was 11 and my paternal GF was very critical of her (understandably) for years afterwards. He also transferred some of that to me, especially when I left ds1's dad. He said some incredibly hurtful things to me over the years. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and ignore it. Sometimes the people we love and who love us say things to hurt us. It's very wrong but please don't let it get to you.

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