to want to give DSD's mother a piece of my mind (warning big rant!)

[hiltontribe]

aaarrrggghhh!

DSD (who is 10yrs old) lives with me, DH and our DD. DH and I have had custody and residence orders since she was 3yrs due to major failings of mother.

DSD has recently spent half of the holidays with her mother at both of their requests.
She came back on Friday and all hell broke loose :(

DSD is insisting that she wants to live with her mum. Mum is agreeing and saying that she wants her to move to live with her, which is 2 hours away by car so no way we could trial her spending increased amounts of time with her mum.

However over the course of yesterday it has emerged that there has been a considerable amount of what you could call 'poisoning' that has happened whilst she has been in the care of her mother.

The reason I want to give DSD's mother a piece of my mind is that she has been saying that I'm not her REAL step-mother. Apparently because I haven't adopted her (we have asked if I could do this before and mother has refused).

She has also apparently told my DSD that there is no way I could equally care for and love my DSD and my DD (who is 5yrs). DSD's mother has basically been saying that she is second best in this house and my DD will always come first...cheeky bitch.

To top it all off my DSD said to me 'I'm not saying you're a bad mum, I would just rather live with my actual mum.' That stung like hell.... and since all this has kicked off I feel absolutely shite.

I may be spending an afternoon with DSD's mother as DSD has an archery competition this afternoon. I seriously think I'm going to completely loose it and give her a right mouthful.

[ZillionChocolate]

Don't talk to her! I would get DH to tell her that you don't agree a change of residence is in DSD's best interests, but if she makes a residence application to the Court, you'll take legal advice on it. Very important you keep contact with her going, otherwise it'll only strengthen any application she makes.

YANBU!

[IDontThinkSoDoYOU]

Right, she's only 10 and has just spent a lot of time with someone who wants her to voice that opinion. Try hard not to be so hurt (kids are awful sometimes, wait for the teenage years!) Not being flippant. You know you can't stop her from living with her Mum at some point really even though I would imagine the courts would want her to be at least 12 to make her mind up. 10 is still quite young.

Advice for you is to get that mother round yours, get your husband and daughter too (she is YOUR daughter in my eyes, you brought her up) and sit down and bite your tongue and sort this out. Let your daughter know all the pro's and con's and be honest and say your piece too about how you love and adore her and don't want her to go just so that everything is out there. You might not be able to prevent it (worst case scenario) but at least you will have done your best to make your daughter aware. I would certainly encourage her staying with you for a couple more years, maybe you can make a deal that says something like that?

Sorry if that's not helpful, that must hurt. x

[activate]

Tell DSD that you love her and you and DH won't let her to go and live with her mother without a court determining that is best for her

Tell her that you will always love her and you believe this is home

Tell her that her mother is her mother and she can always see her but her school, friends are here

Tell her that you know she's your daughter and that she always be no matter what

[fedupofnamechanging]

Is there some way you can adopt DSD without the consent of her mother?

All you can really do is constantly reassure your DSD that she is notsecond best and that you dolove her as much as her sister.

I'd not let the mother have unsupervised access again. What she is doing is abusive and I'd do everything in my power to get her right to access reduced.

[Bloodymary]

I to have a residency order, and as far as I am aware there can be no change as to where little girl lives without us going to court again.

Try to ignore the woman and take a step back from those bows and arrows

[exoticfruits]

YANBU
BUT don't talk to her-keep well clear. You lose all high moral ground if you descend to her level. Leave it to DH to sort out.
Talk to DSD when both are calm, cuddle her and tell her, without slating the mother, that she will always be an equal person in your house etc etc and that you are her REAL stepmother, just that it would be fair to adopt her when she already has a mother. You can love 2 people, and that you know she loves he mother but there is plenty of love to go around (it sounds as if she has divided loyalties)
It sounds as if you have a good relationship with DSD. DCs are not silly, they work these things out for themselves. Just quietly be yourself, don't get stirred up and descend to the exW level.

[QuintessentialShadow]

You must NOT lose your rag. Pleasant and polite.

Just tell her that you and your husband have listened with interest to what dsd has told you, and he will discuss things with her later. Let it be HIS decision.

I should think your dhs ex is hoping for you to lose her rag, and is prepared for a tantrum from you. Dont give her the satisfaction. This is more important that "squabbles" between the two mums. This is about your dsds life.

At 10 she is too young for this decision herself. She can apply through the courts. Make sure you dont give her any ammunition.

Dont fall into the trap of portraying dsds mum in a bad light. Just explain to dsd that she is wrong on all accounts, and that her mum is not part of your family and does not know how things are. She only assumes. Tell her that you love her equally with your other dc (dont say "my own dc", it draws a vedge), you have known her, loved her and cared for her since she was a baby.

[QuintessentialShadow]

sorry, his discussion, not his decision.....

[Imjustagirl]

Seen this far too often (I am a sol). keep very calm, never say anything derogatory about her mum and explain that you can't adopt her even though you would love to, because that would mean her bio mum would no longer be a part of her life. Explain you love her too much to try and separate them and so does her bio mum. Also explain how you couldn't love her anymore than you do, adoption cert. Or no cert. This woman will continually push your buttons and stir up trouble because she is selfish. Het bio mum may be unable/ unwilling to put Dsd's needs first but you sound like you are doing a great job. Just remember to a child, if u attack their parents, they feel attacked also. It will be a very tough journey, but when she is older (she probably knows already) she will be clear who loved her unconditionally and put her needs before their own.

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

NO. Don't even look at her mother in a funny way. If she tries to discuss it, say this isn't the right place. The last thing you want to do is attack her mother in front of her - and any sharp words would be seen as an attack in the mood your DSD's in. Give it some time and then have a talk with her and your DH. Explain that you have tried to adopt her, but that understandably her mother didn't want to give her permission and stop seeing her. Try to tell her how much you love her without slagging off her mother or calling her a malicious, lying shit .

GOOD
I have lived with you since you were 3 years old. I know you have your mother too, but I see you as my daughter just like DD2.
BAD
Your mother has fed you a lot of lies and is an excuse for a human being.

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

You have the order now, but when she's 12(?) the courts will take her wishes into account. If she is determined then you won't be able to stop it. Work on strenghtening your relationship and maybe increasing her visits to her mother if that's what she wants. But short regular visits, not big blocks of time.

[b1uebells]

YANBU at all OP, it was unfair of your DSD's birth mum to say all that to her. How was it today? Was anything mentioned?