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AIBU?

AIBU to not want Dh to take toddler abroad to his family for the weekend when we have just had a new baby??

21 replies

dycey · 18/08/2011 23:01

it's all in the title really but I don't feel comfortable with it because I feel our 2 and a half year old has coped with enough changes for now. His sister would be 3 weeks old and his father (who plays with him a lot, takes him out and does bedtime sometimes) wants to take him to his family abroad for the weekend. The toddler doesn't know them at all well and is not familiar with the place.

DH says DS will have a great time. I feel he would but the timing is wrong. I think enough disruption And changes already in DS' life.

He has been amazing about the birth of his sister but obviously is a little more emotionally fragile than usual.

I am his main carer and having a baby has taken me' away from Hungary more than I would have liked. We are v close.

Am I being precious and unreasonable?

I would miss them both but am staying with my family so would be fine for support myself.

What do you think? (oh and the baby can't come too as originally planned because we don't yet have her passport).

OP posts:

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dycey · 18/08/2011 23:03

Didn't mean Hungary there obv but him! Silly phone

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fluffles · 18/08/2011 23:05

i don't know, only you and your DH can decide, but i can see the positives - you need to spend a lot of time with your newborn, this might be easier for your DS if he's not around to see you spending all that time with the baby, if he's away somewhere with his dad being spoilt by relatives

but only if your DS likes spending time with his daddy and gps.... which i hope he does, i know you say your DH isn't the main carer - but that might make it even more fun for DS? maybe?

browneyesblue · 18/08/2011 23:12

I think you are right - the timing is wrong. Can't it wait until your DD has a passport so that you can go together?

Congratulations on your new baby :)

dycey · 18/08/2011 23:12

Yes that's what DH reckons. I am pretty over protective but I don't want him to miss me. He did for the two nights I was in hospital. But has generally been pretty robust about it all. I do think he is happiest if he has some time during the day with me.

Also not 100 percent the weekend would be stress free for him. People he doesn't know expecting a lot of interraction in a way that is different.

He is my precious first born!

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ShoutyHamster · 18/08/2011 23:13

No, simply because you aren't comfortable with it at a time when YOU have also been through a huge upheaval and emotional change. If you want your DH and DS around, that's fine! I certainly wouldn't have wanted my DH away overnight at that point.

That should be enough for your DH, really. It's only three weeks in. So easy to smile and say, ok, we'll leave it a month or two. Isn't it?

But also, I agree with your practical reason. For your DS, having your attention on the baby and not him will have rocked his world a bit. If he isn't used to being away from you, don't take him on a trip now. Not the best timing. Best of all, you just wait a month or two and hopefully ALL of you go.

marcopront · 19/08/2011 05:19

When is the trip? Why can't you get the passport for the baby using the one week service? and then you can all go.

gailpottertilsleyplatt · 19/08/2011 05:25

YABU - it's your DH's call as much as yours and if he feels his son will be fine then you should respect his decision. Now if you don't want to be left alone with your newborn that is understandable and you should admit.

gailpottertilsleyplatt · 19/08/2011 05:28

it.

Bubbaluv · 19/08/2011 06:33

Can the trip be pushed back a week to allow time to get a passport for the baby?

CheerfulYank · 19/08/2011 06:43

Is this the same thread as the other one where the OP's DW didn't want him to take their DC?

DuelingFanjo · 19/08/2011 06:46

I think if he's a decent person and you are close as a couple then he should have accepted that after running the idea past you, you think it's a little too soon after the birth and the plans should be put on hold until you can all go together.

Presumably he didn't just go out and buy the tickets without asking you first and nor has the trip been planned ages in advance so there is nothing to cancel and as two reasonable adults you can agree to go later?

Squiglettsmummy2bx · 19/08/2011 06:46

My dc are older, 8 & 6, but we were discussing plans for when squiglett comes in February & my mum suggested they stay with her for a week while i was in hospital (cs) & to give me time with the baby & my DD 8 very much felt that she was being sent away from me & got incredibly upset. When I had DS she was only 2.8 & she went out with my mum but had time with me everyday & I think that not feeling pushed out or replaced helped the relationship she now has with her little brother. Like you day a new baby is already a massive change to a little person, personally I would delay the trip until you can all go together x

skybluepearl · 19/08/2011 07:09

sounds like bad timing. can he hold off a few months so you can all go together?

hairfullofsnakes · 19/08/2011 07:16

Yanbu at all and this is not the right time for you or your child to be away from each other. Your dh should respect your feelings and wait until you can all go. What's his rush?!

itisnearlysummer · 19/08/2011 07:19

In theory, it's a wonderful idea - you having quality time to spend with the new baby, daddy and toddler having quality time together without the interruptions of a new baby, etc.

In reality though, I agree that the timing is probably wrong. It wouldn't sit very well with me either. I would either want to wait until the baby had a passport and we could all go together, or until things are a bit more settled at home and there is no chance of the little one feeling pushed aside by mummy for the new baby.

Agree, there is no rush.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 19/08/2011 09:37

I would, but then my DS has been going away with H since he was 18mo and has always been fine. I think it would be good for your DH's relationship with DS and good for you to have time with the new baby without worrying about DS.

LadyBeagleEyes · 19/08/2011 09:42

There was another thread the other day from a father who wanted to take his child away while his wife stayed at home with the newborn.
Are you her OP?

Meglet · 19/08/2011 09:46

Yanbu. Why can't he wait. Never mind the older child, you could do with the support.

dycey · 19/08/2011 11:23

Thank you all for your replies. No, I have not posted about anything like this before.

I should have mentioned in my original post that the reason there is a bit of urgency is that we usually all go and stay with the PIL at the end of august. There is a big family and friends time which we have not been able to be part of because of the new baby.

My DH wants to go and see his family and have our son enjoy his home and his family etc... We were planning to all go together but DH has been disorganised about the passport (we had the photos ready a week ago!).

I would rather go with them than be separated further fromDS. And I would feel a bit sad to be left behind also.

I really appreciate your answers. Sometimes I feel I can be dismissed for being emotional or overlyprotective. But I think it's legitimate to protect DS from further stress. Even if it is minimal.

As for DH being an equal parent. Well yes and no. Of course in the grand scheme of things he is, but in the nitty gritty detail I have had many many more daily and nightly dealings with DS just because I am with him much more. It's hard not to make that sound extreme but I think it must change as children get older? Surely the person they are with most is best equipped to judge what is best? Gender is irrelevant I guess?

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dycey · 19/08/2011 11:39

Also to add - have just spoken to DH and with the help of your responses was able to articulate my concerns. He v reasonable agreed to postpone trip til we could go together.

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hairfullofsnakes · 20/08/2011 20:23

That's great news - glad it all worked out for you x

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