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to out someone on a local noticeboard

(23 Posts)
smoggii Wed 17-Aug-11 11:27:14

I'm very tempted.

I sometimes visit Netmums local Noticeboard to find out about events etc and I look at/buy from/sell on the nearly new boards

A couple of months ago I saw a post from someone who had been the victim of a house fire, was living with a family member as they had lost everything. I had a load of stuff I was about to ebay or stick on the boards but this woman had a number of kids and I felt really sorry for her (SUCKER!)

So I loaded up my car with household good (hardly used cushions brand new curtains etc), clothes (she happened to say she was the same size as me), hardly used baby stuff and some toiletries and drove the lot to her. They took everything in said thanks and I left. We had aexchanged a number of e-mails before I got there but I never heard from her again so no idea if she liked everything when she unpacked it, bit rude really but cest la vie.

I have just seen someone with the same name, in the same location (specific area of a town) selling a load of baby stuff and household goods on the netmums boards.

I know when you give a gift you are not supposed to care what the recipient does with it but shock surely this is horrifc behaviour - ok horrific is a touch extreme but it's not very nice is it?

I haven't really lost anything so IABabitU as I gave a gift. I want to tell myself that she's used them for a time and that now she desperately needs some money so it doesn't matter hmm but it rankles and i wanna out the lying cowbag angry

worraliberty Wed 17-Aug-11 11:32:56

How do you mean 'out' her? confused

She could well have used them and now needs money...or she could have recieved the same items from someone else. Perhaps she didn't like your items and didn't want to be rude about it?

You don't know she's a lying cowbag so 'outing' her could well cause her even more distress.

JaneFonda Wed 17-Aug-11 11:32:57

I would out her.

I normally wouldn't say that, but if she didn't even say thank you? Utterly rude and you should definitely say something; taking advantage of other people's kindness is disgusting.

AlfalfaMum Wed 17-Aug-11 11:33:13

Hmm, it's mean to sell stuff you were given; do you also suspect the house fire thing was just a story?

Regardless, I think I might post a reply on her ad saying that as she was given the stuff she should be giving it away, it's unethical to expect money for it.

worraliberty Wed 17-Aug-11 11:34:17

The OP says she did say thank you.

JaneFonda Wed 17-Aug-11 11:38:26

Sorry worral , should have made it clearer - if she didn't say thank you afterwards (via email, letter, card etc.) - that's the least anyone could do, surely.

TheMonster Wed 17-Aug-11 11:44:17

It would have been poite for her to email afterwards to thank you, but maybe (assuming the fire was real) she had an awful lot to deal with at the time.

If she is selling the things you gave her, then I think it is wrong morally, but maybe she REALLY needs the cash. Or maybe she can nearly afford things that she wants to choose herself and by selling, for example your old curtains, she can but some that she really wants.

You could drop her an email and ask how she is after the fire and wish her the best and see what she says in response.

TheMonster Wed 17-Aug-11 11:44:31

poite? I mean polite.

Valetude Wed 17-Aug-11 11:51:20

Giving things to random strangers on the internet is asking for trouble.
I'd just leave it. You got done but you were also a bit naive (maybe).
I've given things before and been in the same boat, it feels awful, but at the same time I know that with one Mner I was a total fool and tripped over myself to be kind, with the result that she turned on me and there was an awful row (behind the scenes). The internet doesn't really encourage people to behave well when they see people having or getting stuff: they want it too.

squeakytoy Wed 17-Aug-11 11:53:52

Perhaps her house insurance came through, and she has been able to replace the things she lost with new things.

TheMonster Wed 17-Aug-11 11:57:24

Good point, squeakytoy.

muminthemiddle Wed 17-Aug-11 11:58:37

I think she is rude not to have at least emailed you a thank you. At the very least she should have updated you on the "FIRe" if indeed there ever was a fire?
I would email her and ask if she is now selling the goods and if so were the goods of use.
Personally I don't think you are being unreasonable.

happyinherts Wed 17-Aug-11 11:58:51

Surely if you give a gift, you have no right to comment what happens to that gift afterwards???

You acted out of the kindness of your heart, well done - but that's as far as it goes I think. Morally it may not be right to sell on things given, but she may have been inundated with similar items. I do think once you have given something that is the end of it - you didn't give it with conditions of use.

worraliberty Wed 17-Aug-11 11:59:28

Yes that is a good point...and re not saying thank you a second time by email, perhaps she found it excrutiatingly embarrassing the first time round. It can't be easy finding yourself in a situation where you have to accept donations from complete strangers.

QuintessentialShadow Wed 17-Aug-11 12:04:44

Learn and move on.

Cheria Wed 17-Aug-11 12:10:14

YABU - if you can't prove that she was lying in the first place to get your stuff, you don't know that she is not selling it on because she needs money. When you give something to someone you can't dictate what they do with it.

Email her personally if you are that upset. Don't out her, that would be wrong for something so relatively trivial.

But well done to you for giving the stuff in the first place. It was very generous and I am sure that whatever her motives it was appreciated.

VelvetSnow Wed 17-Aug-11 12:26:02

I'd act like 'an anonymous interested party' and try to buy the goods back. Imagine the emabarrassment when she asks you to pay for your own stuff grin

You never know, she may not be selling your stuff, she may have kept your stuff and is selling others.....

If I have a pile of shite charitable donations given to me by random strangers the the last thing I'd do is return them saying 'I don't like this, take it back' That would be rude.

happyinherts Wed 17-Aug-11 12:57:43

But VelvetSnow - the goods aren't smoggii's any more - she gave them away and they belong to the new owner now, so it wouldn't be paying for your own stuff, and anyway how sad, smug and smacking of revenge is that

Scuttlebutter Wed 17-Aug-11 13:06:19

Fortunately, serious house fires are now sufficiently rare that they are always reported in local media. I'd have checked out the story before donating any goods - easy to look by googling. Once I'd satisfied myself it looked genuine, I'd have given gladly and there may be many genuine reasons why she is now able to resell some items as others have listed.

However, being a nasty, suspicious minded person, I'd say that really serious house fires are very rare (thank God) and even more so that someone isn't insured, so I would have been approaching the original appeal with some scepticism.

In any case, "outing" her won't help. If she directly appealed for donations and you think she was a liar, all you can reasonably do is ask the mods to ban her from the site.

VelvetSnow Wed 17-Aug-11 13:18:17

happyinherts Sorry I thought the grin would relay the fact that I was joking, as the second part of my post was actually defending the person she gave the stuff to.....

<must remember to be more clear, and obviously less sad, smug and smacking of revenge> grin

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Wed 17-Aug-11 13:49:59

I thought you were going to say she was telling the house fire story again. Yes she was rude and it's a bit off to sell the stuff - I would advertise on freecycle or contact you to see if you wanted it back - but she's done nothing wrong, really.

Chummybud1 Wed 17-Aug-11 15:35:59

Maybe she is selling stuff to replace something else lost in the fire that she needs more, like a washing machine. Just be happy that you done such a good deed, and that in one way or another you really helped her out. You are only disc racing your self by outing her

smoggii Wed 17-Aug-11 18:44:17

I know it's not my stuff anymore as I said in my OP, when you give a gift you shouldn't care what happens to it but I do suspect that the fire was a scam, I did after i delivered the stuff, there were a few grinning onlookers but I couldn't prove it and it's too late once you've driven 15 miles to deliver said stuff grin

I try to be altruistic in giving but i'm human (sometimes) afterall blush

I strongly suspect I wasn't the only one she had over she's selling two different group 0 carseats, I didn't provide either and she has one child of that age which should still be in that size carseat so I suspect she was given three.

Just for the sake of clarity I didn't give her any old curtains I gave her two brand new pairs of curtains.

I accept that what has been said is right, I gave a gift, I genuinely hope it has helped her out and she isn't a lying cowbag!

Re an e-mail afterwards, I really didn't mind that she didn't, I would have but I e-mail everyone I buy stuff from on ebay to say thank you if i think I've had a good deal, and I accept that she may have been embarrassed

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