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To be soooo fed up with my aspergers sons Godmother 'abandoning' him? (longish)

(97 Posts)
imogengladheart Sun 31-Jul-11 23:30:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitterySkulls Sun 31-Jul-11 23:37:20

what a nasty bitch!!

probably better if you don't see her again, but still, how horrible is she to do that to a child?

pigletmania Sun 31-Jul-11 23:39:39

That is really sad, your poor DS. I would probably accept that your friendship has run its course and leave it at that. Just be there for your ds. You can't really rely on anybody nowadays, as things don't always remain the same.

pigletmania Sun 31-Jul-11 23:40:45

Mabey it is best for your ds if she does not see him again.

CRS Sun 31-Jul-11 23:41:34

I don't know if you are being unreasonable really, as it sounds like things have been shaky for a while between you and that maybe you have grown apart? But she shouldn't have behaved like that in front of your son. Maybe though, he is better off without her in his life as she sounds a bit erratic from what you post, and the relationship might actually be hard for him in the long run, especially with an Aspergers diagnosis?

I sympathise re: losing an old friend. I did this recently with someone I have been "friends" with for 20 years, and although ending the friendship was the right thing for me, I do miss her and I think my son does a bit too.

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Jul-11 23:42:41

If you know your DS gets so upset when she constantly lets you down, why do you tell him she's coming?

I think you're putting a lot onto your friend.

That's not to say you're being unreasonable to feel let down by her, but you seem to be using your DS a bit to force her to follow through with the plans you've made for meeting up (unless I've misread the OP as there's quite a bit of info in it).

I wouldn't bother contacting her again imogen, she's been pretty clear about how she feels, not replying to your calls for a year is blatent.

I can see you just want your DS to have someone special, but this woman isn't that person.

EdithWeston Sun 31-Jul-11 23:44:30

YANBU - and I suppose the only remedy I can think of is prayer that she will come back to the path of spiritual guidance for your DS (frequent actual presence is always going to be tricky from 300 miles away) but mending the Godly one will no doubt help you all.

Have you talked this over with your priest? Are there others in your Church community who, even though they cannot take over the actual baptismal role, might be able to fill the spiritual gap (and, being nearby, some of the practical one too?)

GlitterySkulls Sun 31-Jul-11 23:44:53

it sounds as if she doesn't really understand aspergers/ doesn't realise how strong the need for routine, etc

she's known about your sons diagnosis for a while now, surely? ie long enough to find out about it a bit in regards to how to be with him etc (badly worded, hopefully you'll know what i mean )

GypsyMoth Sun 31-Jul-11 23:45:40

havent seen you around for a while Imogen!! hope things are improving for you at home

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 31-Jul-11 23:57:10

If you included the sentence "If she doesn't want to see Ds again we will have to find a way to tell him that he can process that doesn't leave him feeling 'abandoned'" in the text you sent to your friend, it's probable that she's sighed and rolled her eyes at you having laid another guilt trip on her.

Any friendship you enjoyed with this woman is blown; best move on and look to make other friends who keep their promises.

imogengladheart Sun 31-Jul-11 23:58:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imogengladheart Mon 01-Aug-11 00:04:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag Mon 01-Aug-11 00:11:03

I would leave the photos where they are imogen, it's like you're hoping she'll realise the significance and 'come round', but her handing them back without a backwards glance may make you feel even worse than you do already.

Stop hurting yourself by contacting her!

Any good friend makes you feel better about yourself/your situation, this person doesn't. Just because she's your DSs Godmother doesn't give her the right to treat you so shabbily.

I'm sorry his Dad, GPs and other family aren't any support, good job he has you smile

Morloth Mon 01-Aug-11 01:00:19

Just move on. No point wasting anyone's time trying force a relationship that she doesn't want.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 01-Aug-11 01:10:32

"She has a longterm partner who treated her very badly for quite a while and now she lives entirely on his terms. She would like to marry and have children, he won't. "

I wondered if "living entirely on his terms" is material to this. Could he have called her and monopolised her Sunday? Is he trying to isolate her from her friends? Is her reaction to him at the root of her behaviour?

imogengladheart Mon 01-Aug-11 01:19:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth Mon 01-Aug-11 01:30:26

You are going to sound crazy asking for photos back.

AmberLeaf Mon 01-Aug-11 01:35:07

Shes being a bitch, whatever her reasons are [ie shes unhappy in relationship etc] shes still being a bitch and you need to protect your son from that.

Forget the pics.

Forget her, there are nice people out there, you dont need this woman in you or DS life.

snippywoo2 Mon 01-Aug-11 01:42:05

Reading through your post it seems to me that you and your son are better off without her in your lives.

cloudydays Mon 01-Aug-11 04:47:17

I understand why you feel so hurt and upset for your ds, and I don't blame you as I may well feel similarly in your situation.

But that doesn't mean that your friend is a bitch. She has her own life and her own stuff going on too, some of which you've hinted at and some of which none of us knows, yourself included.

600 mile round-trip visits (presumably all at her own expense?) is a much bigger commitment than many godparents make. It is rotten that she let your ds down this weekend and I'm not saying that it's okay for her to do that, but I get the strong feeling that there are two valid sides to this, and we haven't heard hers.

Your text was a guilt trip. Her shouting that she'll probably never see him again sounds like a rash, out-of-proportion reaction to an argument between friends, but to be honest it's very much on a par with your own demand that she return ds' photographs.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Mon 01-Aug-11 05:45:41

I think you should just leave the friendship alone. Don't initiate contact, certainly dont ask for photos back, that is a bit sad. Leave it and see what happens. Tell your DS she is working away or something.

itisnearlysummer Mon 01-Aug-11 06:20:15

I know it feels to you that you 'aspergers son's godmother has abandoned him'.

But in reality, she is her own person and it sounds like she has a lot going on in her own life and I agree that you probably don't know all of it yourself.

Because of your own circumstances, you had placed a lot of expectation onto her (in terms of time, money and filling in some of the gaps that you feel exist - and clearly she had enabled that with promises of camping and skiing).

It sounds very much as though you had come to rely on her in what must be a very difficult situation (no family, disability and DS's crap father) and she may have come to feel the weight of this responsibility and unable to offer that level of support anymore.

She absolutely shouldn't have spoken to/in front of your DS the way she did. But sometimes when people are under pressure or upset they say all sorts of things they shouldn't.

revolutionscoop Mon 01-Aug-11 09:01:02

Agree with cloudydays

bubblesincoffee Mon 01-Aug-11 09:16:41

There is no question that she shouldn't have said what she did in front of your son, but from everything you have posted, it does sound like you put a lot on her.

She is your son's Godmother, but that term does mean different things to different people. You are expecting far more from her than I would expect from my dc's Godparents - if they had them.

The freindship sounds very one sided. It's all about what she can do for your ds, not what the two of you both can give to eachother. Do you ever visit her? Do you ever spend any time without your ds? You need to have a think about how she feels, and about what she might be getting out of this relationship, because so far it comes across like all she is getting is responsibility for your child and not much else.

I don't know how things are with your disability, but if she is the one that always has to make the visits, then is obliged to act the doting Godmother the whole time she is there, I'm not surprised that she is frustrated with the friendship.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong and I apologise if I am, but your posts do come across as if this friendship is about what she can do for your son above anything else, and I'm not sure I'd have stuck to a friendship like that for as long as she has.

Scholes34 Mon 01-Aug-11 09:18:46

I think summer and cloudydays have summed it up well. I have friends I haven't seen for years, who I still consider good friends. Some of those also don't have children and have very busy lives and also substantially more money than me, but I think it's harsh to expect that any perceived time on their hands and money should be spent in any way on me or my children.

A younger cousin of mine is Godmother to my DD. She lives in London, is single, no children and we see her probably once in every two years. Any feelings of guilt she might have about not seeing DD are her own. When they do get together, they instantly pick up where they left off (even after a two year gap) and as DD is getting older, their relationship is changing and is one that has less and less input from me.

If you feel your friend is an important person in your and your DS's lives, give her space. I'm sure there's no intention on your part, but it sounds like you are giving her guilt trips.

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