To really feel pissed off with my dad?

[whackamole]

First AIBU so please be gentle!

At the weekend, my dad, sister and brother came to stay with us. It was all the usual bickering etc (I will not be inviting them altogether again but that is for another thread!) but my dad IMO acted like a total cock on Saturday.

We'd gone to Tesco to do some shopping, can't remember the conversation, but he told my sister to 'stop acting like a slapper'. She was understandably really upset, and dad just could not see it. She was basically saying to him that he had really insulted her, how could he think it was appropriate to say something like - particularly in response to her comment which was completely innocuous.

So dad then gets annoyed (previously, I think he thought he was being 'funny' - he's always been one for totally inappropriate jokes) and starts saying 'I said like a slapper, that's not calling you a slapper', 'I've supported you all through your life and this is the thanks I get', 'so it's alright for you to call me an idiot it it?' (FTR she didn't and I don't think she would).

Sis ended up crying in the middle of Tesco while dad stomped off in a huff. Refusing to apologise as he clearly couldn't see he had done anything wrong.

I feel like a should just let it go, but TBH I am really upset and I can't stop thinking about it. This is not the first time he has reduced me or my sister to tears with a 'jokey' comment. He said the same thing to me when I was about 18 and ended up with me in floods of tears in my room. I just feel like my dad is a dick, and I shouldn't feel this way! At the same time, I really don't know what, if anything, I should do. He doesn't respond well to criticism and is always right so anything said falls on deaf ears.

Sorry it's so long but can anyone advise?

[PamBeesly]

He sounds like a bit of a bollix who is used to getting his own way. What promted him to call your sis a slapper anyway? Its a derogartory phrase to use against a woman, not to mnetion your own daughter. I don't like my dad and I don't put up with his shit so I might be biased but you have to toughen up and tell him to stop being mean and that what he says is hurtful even if he does not perceive it to be, if he continues to be mean and causes you to cry, don't have as much contact, he'll get the message, its up to him what he does with it

[Xiaoxiong]

Um....your dad is a dick. You shouldn't feel that way about him, because dads are not supposed to be dicks - but as he is behaving like a dick (and sounds like he always has) you are completely justified in your feelings.

If you really want to talk to him about this, wait until you are in a non-confrontational situation (so not when an argument has erupted). You and your sister can explain to him that when he says x, y and z, it makes you feel a, b and c. Write down all the comments you can remember and use statements about how you feel, not about him being a cock. That way they're subjective statements "when you say this I feel xxx" rather than "when you say this you're being a dick" which will make him defensive.

The worst that can happen is he says "you're being thin-skinned, I haven't done anything wrong" in which case you know he's really being a dick, and nothing changes. The best that can happen is that he realises that the comments he makes actually have consequences.

He'll be defensive and angry - but it can't be any worse than the situation you're in now.

[whackamole]

Thanks for the advice! I think you are both completely right - emotions were heightened at the time so he got on the defensive immediately and couldn't see he had done anything wrong.

Am going to speak with my sister tonight, luckily dad is away with work so limited contact.

[squeakytoy]

I think your sister sounds like a bit of a drama queen to be quite honest.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Squeaky toy, really? I'd be pretty upset if my dad called me slapper.

[PamBeesly]

I think the dad does this kind of thing a lot and that wears someone down, I don't think she was being a drama queen, just reacting to her hurt feelings, which she was entitled too.

[Miggsie]

I don't like it when a family member says they are upset and the other person says they are over reacting, or too sensitive, why couldn't he just say "I didn't mean to upset you." Ignoring someone's feelings is mean.

I really hate this default position some men have of saying "this woman is upset, however I, as a man, cannot possibly have contributed to the situation or done anything wrong so she must be crazy."

[squeakytoy]

I wouldnt have necessarily... would depend on the context it was said in. i certainly wouldnt have flounced off in a flood of tears...

[mrsbiscuits]

Oh blimey sounds like my FIL. I don't think you sister is being a drama queen. I get why it looks like it but having lived with stuff like this for the last 10 years I totally get it. FIL does this to DH all the time.

On the surface it's all said in a jokey fashion but there is an underlying nastiness that is really pointed and hits at the vulnerable spots that only he knows cause upset. Then when he gets the negative reaction from DH he goes all " Oooh stop overeacting...and being soo sensitive." and making out like there is nothing to apologise for.....I didn't see it at first as he was always polite to me but then longer I'm around him the more obvious it is. It's a power trip, he's a bully - pure and simple and for some reason he gets a kick out of making his son ( or in your case his daughter) feel crap - puts him back in control.

Like your dad my FIL can't take criticism either so is also a total hypocrite and flounces off like a spoilt teenager when things don't go his way. We have maintained a relationship with him for DS's sake but I don't take any of his shit anymore. DH is a bit more guarded than me ( is his dad after all which is why he can push his puttons) but basically when he says stuff that I think is out of order - then I tell him and do you know what it doesn't happen nearly so often ....funny that!