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To bite my tongue with my Mum....

(17 Posts)
Twister1 Sun 24-Jul-11 19:57:45

aggghhhh - want to vent, but will try to keep it brief.

My Mum has a hard time - she's a carer for my Dad who's paralysed although they get 5 visits a day from SS and she still works.

As a result I always travel there to see them, about once a week, takes 1 hr 15 driving. I always take my two DDs aged 15mths and 4yrs.

It's been planned for ages that this week I'm going tomorrow and staying the night. I don't actually like doing this much - the DDs never sleep well there, it's totally exhausting. I'm totally snowed under with work stuff I should be doing at home.

But still, my Mum and Dad have hard lives etc I'm happy to do it to see them and for them to see the kids.

Tonight my Mum rings to say that she's going out to see friends tomorrow night but that 'that's fine isn't it?'
I dutifully reply 'yes of course!'
But actually I'm really pissed off. If she made the effort to travel 70miles to see me I would never arrange to meet friends - I mean isn't it just really rude? And odd???

She sees these friends every week - I often forgo seeing friends of mine to arrange visits to hers. I wish I could tell her how I feel but our relationship seems to work on the basis that everything is so much harder for her (and in truth, it probably is) that I cannot make any demands at all or voice anything other than support. If I do otherwise the hurt vibes I get are unbearable.

I'm really fucking annoyed. AIBU??

squeakytoy Sun 24-Jul-11 20:00:13

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

I imagine your mum doesnt often get a chance to go out to see her friends.

You said yourself that you dont like staying over at her house, so now you dont have to.

michglas Sun 24-Jul-11 20:00:28

TBH it must be really hard for your mum living with a man who is paralysed, so I really wouldn't punish her for wanting to go out with her friends. She needs a chance to get out and have a breather. Go and be there for your dad and make your mum a nice cup of tea and have a chat when she gets back in.

Twister1 Sun 24-Jul-11 20:01:14

No I do have to. She still wants me to go. As I said in OP she sees these friends at least one evening every week.

Twister1 Sun 24-Jul-11 20:02:49

It is really hard for her michglas and she is pretty amazing. But she does see these friends every week. She also travels to London to see friends for the day but never me. Probably because I always go to see her.

michglas Sun 24-Jul-11 20:02:51

Are you really going to make a big deal out of her going out and seeing her friends at least once a week. She deserves a life so get a grip.

squeakytoy Sun 24-Jul-11 20:03:37

Well you will still get to see your dad then.. smile

I dont think just over an hours drive is excessive travelling time. Plenty of people do double that every day going to work and back.

michglas Sun 24-Jul-11 20:04:20

I don't mean to sound so harsh but honestly put yourself in her shoes, how hard her life must be. She works, she comes home to a man that isn't the same person she fell in love with - she really does deserve to have a life.

Twister1 Sun 24-Jul-11 20:04:26

At least I'll be able to talk to my Dad in the evening anyway. She probably wants to get away from him without feeling guilty. Even though she goes out a lot I think she feels bad about it.

EssentialFattyAcid Sun 24-Jul-11 20:05:54

I think you need to be honest with your mum about your feelings. If you wish that she made the effort to see you when she is in London then tell her thats how you feel.

Twister1 Sun 24-Jul-11 20:06:40

Fair enough - it's good to hear the opinions and it does put it in perspective. But I feel like I want her to be my Mum and offer support with the DDs but it's been a total role reversal since my Dad got ill to be honest. I'm a counsellor for all her angst and I don't have anyone to talk to myself. I grieve for my Dad too and how he's changed. I'm not a fucking saint and sometimes it's too much.

Twister1 Sun 24-Jul-11 20:08:27

It's good to vent on here because i don't think I could ever tell her how I feel about it all.

Twister1 Sun 24-Jul-11 20:10:49

I don't blame her for wanting to get out at all and for wanting me to 'babysit' my Dad. But in 4yrs since having DD1 she has never baby sat the DDs so that me and DH could go out. We literally NEVER go out. A bit of give and take would be nice. I do love her though. And I know i don't really know what her life's been like for the last 20yrs since he got ill.

EssentialFattyAcid Sun 24-Jul-11 20:11:38

Maybe you can tell her. It sounds as though you are overlooking yourself and your own needs - these are important too.

Twister1 Sun 24-Jul-11 20:12:13

Anyway I'm buggering off now to drown my annoyance in alchohol - I don't blame her really - she's struggling with things and so am I.
Cheers for the replies x

squeakytoy Sun 24-Jul-11 20:20:22

It sounds like she isnt really in a position to be able to come and babysit for you. You and your husband need to organise a babysitter though, so that you can go out.

SnapesPlaything Sun 24-Jul-11 20:57:44

I feel a lot of sympathy for you. Its really hard when you feel you are being overlooked or put upon but still know you are better off than the people taking you for granted.

I dont think YABU at all, ranting about things you can't in RL is part of what Mumsnet is for.

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