To think that they're not doing DD any favours

[alowVera]

hi, my DD (3) has SN, and her nursery seem to be letting her get away with things, like not sharing, taking turns or other social skills, because a) they like a quiet life, (she'll tantrum if she's told no), and b) she's "a character" and they're "all fond of her".
I believe that she will learn these things with consistency and perseverance, and ATM they don't seem to be supporting what we do at home with her, as a result we are struggling with her behaviour at home because she has not consistency.
I also believe that in being like this with her will make the other children resent her because she is treated differently and gets away with even the most basic things.
AIBU to be annoyed by this and think that they are not doing her any favours? Or am I over reacting?

[joric]

YANBU - you are dead right to teach your DD good behaviour, manners etc and your nursery should do the same SN or not. They are doing her a disservice.

[giyadas]

YANBU - have you spoken to the nursery about it?

[bubblesincoffee]

How exactly do you mean? Can you descibr a situation where your dd has done something that you think they should have handled differently, and what they have actually done?

[Flisspaps]

They're fond of her? Do they not think you might rather like her as well?

YANBU, definitely YANBU. Go in and have a proper meeting with them, explain that they are to enforce the same rules as they would with other children.

You could put it across to them as they are encouraging a form of discrimination - they're treating her differently because of her SN and Ofsted are big on equality

[alowVera]

Giyadas no I haven't, I only found out today for sure when I went in and stayed to observe and spoke to slyly quizzed the staff. I was talking to 1 member of staff and dd was in another area with another worker.

DD tends to the affectionate over friendly side iykwim, but I'm sure there's a point where they have to be "professional".

Think it's too close to end of term now to say/do anything now. Definitely will in September when we have a meeting.

[alowVera]

flisspaps I know that they have to provide her with the same opportunities, and to do this they have to use signalong with her so she can fully understand the rules. Or put them in a way that she can understand.

But to not at least try to get her to follow the rules, for whatever reason, has really irked me.

I feel like we're stuck in catch22 with it all.

[alowVera]

bubblesincoffee example- all children playing out, rule of only 4 kids on the climbing frame at one time, 4 children on climbing frame, and others waiting, dd goes over and gets on, they take another child off, saying just let dd have a go.
They didn't do this for any other child. Just dd.

And whilst there's a point of, "Yeah I'm really pleased she's getting a go," I was slightly annoyed that they are making the other children resentful of her. And dd is learning she always gets what she wants.

[Miggsie]

They are not doing her any favours at all, the nursery my friends AS boy went to did this and as a result he learned no social skills at all and remained non verbal, he had a rude shock when he transferred to reception, he did learnt o speak but his social skills were about 2 years behind by then and he has never caught up. He still has no friends.

Your DD might be slow to learn social skills but she must be taught.

[Flisspaps]

Alow Exactly - by not even trying to get her to follow the rules, you could insinuate that they are not promoting equality and are singling your daughter out due to her SN.

I'm just thinking that phrasing it like that might make them stop, rather than saying it's causing issues with her behaviour at home (which they don't have to deal with)

[alowVera]

Hmm, flisspaps, I like that idea. Will go write it down so I don't forget by September.
Can I use that argument if I am also asking them to treat her differently (use signalong)? Although IMO they should use that with all children.

[alowVera]

Miggsie your example is exactly why their behaviour with dd has wound me up. Because I can see it happening if it continues.

[Flisspaps]

If they don't use signalong, you can argue that they ARE treating her differently by not allowing her to communicate effectively (as other children can communicate using other means)

[Flisspaps]

What I'm trying to say I suppose is that it's not about what you actually think (they're not teaching her to go by the rules which is causing issues with her behaviour at home), it's about wording your complaint/concerns in a way which will get them to think about and change what they're doing.

This is because what affects you at home isn't necessarily going to make them change their ways. But something which might appear to contravene the setting's Equality Policy or Disability Policy (they'll have something along those lines) just might

[alowVera]

Flisspaps you are my new best friend. That is exactly the argument I need. And phrased much better than me. Thank you

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

I would be furious.

As a mum of two with ASD and SN I will say put the rules in place now whilst they're small enough to handle, I know many parents who's lives are ruled by kids who simply haven't been told no just because it's easier at the time.

[redexpat]

The other children probably will resent her. We hated the deaf kids at school because they got to use the climbing frame and we never did. And I mean never. Not once in three years.

[LaWeasel]

They definately shouldn't be doing this. I can see why they might be extra-fond of her if she is particularly affectionate, and therefore tempted to let things go.

But it's not good enough.