DH/TTC issue

[tipp2chicago]

We have been TTC for 2 years. In that time I have been traipsing to GP, OB/GYN and accupuncturist to try to treat PCOS. I have also lost weight (20lb - yay me).

We are now at a point where conception is actually a possibility as I am now ovulating. This is as a result of Glucophage (metformin), Clomid, diet, and accupuncture. We are under instruction to time intercourse every second day from CD10 to CD20. (I am on my second Clomid cycle.)

My OB/GYN has asked that DH have a semen analysis done and have the results sent to her. She asked for this at my appointment in February and I still can't get him to do it. He has also started complaining that I'm expecting him to have sex on demand.

DAMN RIGHT I expect him to have sex on demand. I've just spent two years running from pillar to post trying to get pregnant and he will neither screw me or jerk off into a jar.

To top it all off, (big mistake on my part) I told his mother one day when she was bugging me about children that I had PCOS so she went running straight to her niece who is a nurse and expects me to do whatever niece says. She also asked me recently if I was sure I knew my fertile time. She's a lucky woman that I didn't puck the head off her. After two years of trying does she not think that would have occurred to me or that my doctors/accupuncturist might have explained it to me?

Am I being completely unreasonable to expect a little cooperation from DH (he wants children much more than I do)? Seriously, I am so frustrated that I feel like breaking something. What do I do?

[floosiemcwoosie]

I can understand your frustration.

Has he said why he wont do any of the above?

[messymammy]

how does he think the so desired child will appear unless you have sex?I actually have no advice,but whatever you asked YANBU!

[Mitmoo]

I think he may not want the child as much as you think he does. If he does he be all over you like a rish midcycle and looking at mucky mags to get a sample off pronto.

He's procrastinating, the real question is why?

[AlpinePony]

Yanbu of course! Men are very touchy about getting their white goods examined, which is odd given their usual reaction towards nurses! ;) I have heard during my time on mn of a woman taking matters in to her own hands as it were, acquiring a sample and having a look under a microscope bought at a car boot sale... I sympathise greatly, I have struggled ttc and tortured myself yet I firmly believe its been his shoddy quality man fat at fault!

[eurochick]

I'm not sure that some of the early repliers appreciate how uninspring sex can become after a while unsuccessfully ttc. Try the conception board rather than AIBU for like-minded similarly frustrated types!

I do feel your pain though. Mine was OK about teh SA and can generally be prevailed upon to dtd at the right time. Can I get vitamin pills down him though? No way. Even though they have been shown to significantly improve sperm count. And he usually takes a multivit. Why he finds a multivit with a few extra bits in it so problematic I have no idea. Meanwhile I am on so many supplements I bloody rattle!

[BeUpStanding]

TTC puts a lot of stress onto a relationship, and I get how the man can start to feel like a performing monkey after a while. However, that said, YANBU and I second Mitmoo, sounds like he's procrastinating.

Have you posted this on the Conception board as well? Lots of experience there on how TTC can affect your relationship.

[spookshowangel]

maybe all the try has meant sex has become a bit unsexy for him and he is feeling a bit like a baby making machine and not somebody you want to have sex with for the purposes of intimacy as well iyswim. sounds like its been a long hard slog for you to get to this place so i can totally see why you would be so single mined about it and feel a bit let down by him. have you spoken to him about the issues he has raised?

[vegetariandumpling]

he wants children much more than I do really? It doesn't sound like he does. I think it's quite common for one partner to suddenly change their mind at the point when conception becomes a possibility (in the drs waiting room on the day of the IVF cycle or whatever).

It might just be the pressure, or it could be more serious doubts. Although I can understand that after all you've been through you might not feel too sympathetic to him bringing this up now of all times.

Oh and,
We are under instruction to time intercourse every second day from CD10 to CD20.
Really?

[BeUpStanding]

X-Post with eurochick there

[tipp2chicago]

He thinks the Semen Analysis would be embarrassing. (ah diddums...)

He procrastinates all the time, with every possible thing, apart from his beloved dog/archery/bushcrafting. That happens pronto.

I really am quite angry and strongly considering calling a halt to TTC. I can hardly refer to what's happening now as TTC seeing as I can't get him to either cooperate or discuss it with me.

He seems to think I'm being a b*h because I lost it entirely on Thursday night and told him I had a greater chance of Immaculate Conception than I do of having his child at the moment.

[tipp2chicago]

VegetarianDumpling, seriously, sex every second day from CD10-20 after taking Clomid from CD2-6.

[spookshowangel]

well tippo if you are the only one willing to do any of the work or be put out in any way i am assuming that you had to get tests done etc?
it does seem pretty crap of him not to wank in to a jar so some one can take a look at it, maybe you should tell your mil that

[Groovee]

I got very upset with dh on my birthday one year as he wouldn't do birthday sex as I apparently only wanted him for a baby and not because I loved him. Looking back that's probably what it did look like to him at the time but it seemed he was being unreasonable at the time. :-(

TTC can really take the fun out of sex. It becomes a chore.

[eurochick]

tipp FWIW it seems to help us not to ever directly refer to the schedule. We are normally weekend people for dtd (we both have busy long hours job) so when I drag him to the bedroom on a Tuesday night when we are both knackered, we both know why we are doing it but it helps us a bit not to acknowledge it. I usually give him a bit of warning as to my expectations by texting him to "get his knickers off, I'm coming home" when I am on the train...

I never talk to him about charts and cycle days, etc either.

I am a teeny bit resentful that I have to all the thinking about schedules etc but as it seems to work for us, I am going with it for now.

[Bunbaker]

When we were undergoing investigations for infertility my (very sensible) GP suggested that OH provide a semen sample well before trying invasive investigations on me. She said that it would be easier to rule out a low sperm count before wasting time and resources checking me out.

It is ludicrous that your husband won't have this very simple procedure done. You could undergo all the tests in the world and the fault could lie with him all along.

It is no reflection at all on his masculinity and very upsetting for you not to know.

As for the "sex on demand" it must be pretty difficult for your husband when the romance and spontaneity is lost. He must feel like a sperm factory.

I'm inclined to agree with Mitmoo that he is procrastinating and can't be as eager to have a child as you are if he won't produce a sample to get checked out.

Good luck, and well done for losing the weight.

[diddl]

I can understand how being "expected" to have sex on certain days might "take the edge off".

Afterall, it´s never the case that men want sex & expect their partner to magically be in the mood, is it?

I´d be pissed off at waiting fir a "sample" since Feb.

Not much point in all of this for you if he´s not 100% is it?

[pink4ever]

Im sorry but I am going to be really harsh here. Your dp has either changed his mind about ttc or he is shit scared that there is a problem with his man juice. Either way you need to make him sit down and have a serious talk about this or else it is going to destroy your relationship.

[Onemorning]

I feel your pain. I've been lucky because DH hasn't been a pita about having SA done, however TTC killed his libido for a while. We ended up in counselling which was really helpful.

Good luck.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

I was thinking that too, pink - that he is scared to death that an analysis will show that he has a problem.

[jeckadeck]

if as you say he's desperate for children it does seem odd. As someone else pointed out higher up men can be very touchy about the merest suggestion that their equipment may be in any way defective, but if he really wants kids then he has to come up with the goods. Does he actually realize that you need to shag at certain points in your cycle? Men are often surprisingly ill-informed about this. Is it worth taking him along to a clinic or to the GP to get a professional to hammer this home?

[CelebratedMonkey]

I would put money on him being scared to be tested rather than doesn't want children.

Okay, maybe not real money, but definitely some of my monopoly money.

It's quite common, and very annoying, especially as if he's proven to have no issues, you will be expected to go through much more arduous testing.

[eurochick]

I really don't think it sounds like he has gone off the idea of kids as some have suggested.

If you go over to conception, you will see that a lot of OH's have needed some degree of persuasion to get their SAs done. It's a pretty typical male response to put off something that scares them (see also men finding lumps in their sacks not getting them checked out, etc, etc). Mine took around a month of nagging reminders to get his done because my results were due in and my GP wouldn't refer us on without him getting his SA done. He did it in the end and it was fine.

Educating himself about "bad" results would probably help. Many people with low counts conceive naturally but it might take a bit longer, vits and lifestyle seem to make a big difference to swimmers and so on. He is probably thinking a problem = he is not a "real man" (whatever that may be) and will never be a father when that is just not true.

The getting tired on sex on demand affects both parties. It's normal. People who manage it first or second month have no idea how tedious it can get to have to do it whether you are in the mood or not.

[GnomeDePlume]

I would agree that if this is simply a worry thing then he does need to get educated.

• is he worried that a 'poor result' will mean lots of horrid invasive stuff around his personal bits (just like the OP has endured)?
  
• is he under the mistaken impression that saving sex up for once a month is more effective?
  
  My DH has asked this: has he had a vasectomy and not mentioned it? This does happen BTW

[tipp2chicago]

Thank you all for your very kind responses.

You are right that sex does definitely begin to feel like a chore, regardless of how many nice satin nighties or how much pre-seed is used.

The "advice" from his family is really starting to grate as well. His mother is a nice woman but a total idiot.

I'm sure he is worried about any bad results but not knowing is not going to help either. I already have PCOS; we don't need any other undiagnosed/untreated issues.

Whenever he appears back from his parents house we are just going to have to have it out. ( He's gone to help his Dad with something. I stayed here because I wasn't sure I'd be able to behave myself. )

[lurkerspeaks]

Quite frankly I think you are on the wrong board.

I've not experienced infertility myself but I know both professionally and personally that it puts huge pressures on even solid relationships.

It is also fairly commonly referred to in the media that 'having' to have sex totally kills any desire to do so.

I think you would be better off on one of the infertility sites and you maybe need to have some relationship counselling.

WRT Mother in law is it worth just telling her you have X professionals invovled and her input isn't helping? On the other hand I know of several friends who got a lot of stick, not just from me, over their dual income no kids, masses of holidays, expensive cars, lifestyle only for it to be revealed years later that they were having shedloads of unsucessful IVF. I was gutted at the time about how hurt they must have been and remain so today.