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Another AIBU about moving a couple of hours from childs father.... V.Long

(17 Posts)
DialsMavis Sat 16-Jul-11 09:51:38

This is my first AIBU so for some reason I must be relishing the idea of getting a complete kicking this early on a Sat morning!

I live with DP, DS (8) and DD (8 months). DS is not DP's. DS's Dad is an OK Dad. He see's him most weeks and they get on well and love each other. I say OK as he rarely pays maintenance (owes me £670 at present and doesn't even pretend to give a fuck about it, takes his new family off for trips away for a few days and tells DS all about it, is completely non apologetic about the £). DS doesn't get included in their holidays abroad etc...

He is a chef so works long and unsociable hours so the best day for him to see DS is Sundays, however he doesn't show up until at least mid day. I am happy for DS to see his father when ever his Dad can. But Ex's GF (they have 2 young children) says she cannot have DS on her own it is too much for her, so we fit around when Ex can have DS. Incidentally I really like EX's GF so no probs there just explaining the situation as best I can smile. DS is a easy boy to look after however I understand he may play up for her I have no idea as I am not there to see it. DS his SM have had problems in the past but as far as I am aware they get on fine now.

Ex and his family moved about an hour away from where we live 18 months ago for EX to be near his job as GF couldn't (totally understandably) cope with him only being home at night time). I completely understand her as DP works in all over the place but mainly 2 hours away doing long and unpredictable hours and is often away 6 nights at a time. IT is very6 hard on us but he loves his job ad is trying to build a good career.

We decided to look into moving to where DP works which is 2 hours away from where we currently live but only an hour (ish TBH) from where Ex moved. A lot of my friends have also gravitated towards this city over the last few years and it will hopefully improve my career progression too(imporatant as it looks like maintenance from Ex is a thing of the past). It has got to the point where DP cannot progress in his career without us moving and staying sofas, driving through the night and living on Take-aways is takings its toll on him.

We decided it was only fair to muddle through until DS finished the current school year as it was his last at his current one anyway and his peer group all go off to different schools (DS only got into a shit one )

Ex knew all this and has been unhappy to say the least but accepted the situation. However a few weeks ago he decided to move back to the town we are all from; meaning DS will be 2 hours away from him when we move. He will be living a in a cramped 2 bed flat and when visiting DS will be put to bed in Exs bed then woken and moved to sofa when Ex goes to bed (not ideal in my mind on a school night or too regularly at 8 or 9 years old).

So.... deep breath.... AIBU moving DS away from his DAD?

Sorry if this is not written very well I am fairly illiterate at the best of times and I have a baby trying to roll off the bed grin I may have totally outed myself with this and am a complete wimp so will prob name change if I am badly flamed.

qwepoi Sat 16-Jul-11 09:59:19

YANBU. Got to do what is best for your family. If ex wants to make the effort he will despite distance.

blackeyedsusan Sat 16-Jul-11 10:04:56

if you have already made the arrangements then go ahead. ex knew this was happening and chose to move back. you may have to share the travelling to visit ex... but if he doesn't pay his maintenence and you can't afford to travel... well he wwill just have to collect him. have you cotacted the csa?

Lindax Sat 16-Jul-11 10:05:05

In an ideal world you would stay close to your ex to help maintain his and your ds's relationship as easily as possible, but not an ideal world and your dp travelling 2 hours every day for work is less reasonable than your ex travelling for 2 hours for a visit once a week. Ex moving closer is irrelevent as he knew your plans so he didnt moved back specifically to be closer to ds, him not paying maintenance is irrelevent (although needs sorted).


kayah Sat 16-Jul-11 10:05:48

Did ex knew of your plans to move to the new place before he moved back?

I would say if your/DP's/exP's job situations are changing as you build up your careers it is inevitable that one of the couples would move on.

I think if you have chance to progress towards better life for your family you should go for it. IMHO as time goes by kids are getting more resilient as the ydo understand the situation of the family if all steps are explained to them.

I assume you haven't discussed this with your ex, so prepare a piece of paper and write all pros and cons on it and discuss it all with your DP first 9with the imput of Mumsnet of course).

Good schooling is very important and if you'd hve chance to get that right for your son everything else is going to fill neatly in.

Mitmoo Sat 16-Jul-11 10:08:08

Ex moved an hour away, now you want to move 2 hours away. You are both moving with good reason, I can't see why not.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern Sat 16-Jul-11 10:08:34

YANBU. You have to do what is best for your family at the moment and 2 hours really isn't the end of the earth.
I am maybe biased because I did the same 2 and half years ago. My ex made a huge fuss and tried to make me feel so guilty for doing it. Accused me of not putting the kids first and just couldn't get that although the move was more for me it was not to their detriment.

The problem was that he wanted to live his life as he chose but wanted me to live my life as he chose as well but only months after I moved he moved too and he moved to somewhere that is closer to me now but much further away than where we were before so I would have been stuck in an area with the kids and none of the support network I have where I am now.
My ex has proved himself by making no effort despite being half the distance away if your ex want to he will make the effort to see his son no matter where you are.

ihatecbeebies Sat 16-Jul-11 10:10:19

Go for it, yanbu, 2 hours isn't that far away it's not like you're moving to another country. My DS's father moved 2 hours away too so it is a 4 hour long trip but they still manage it with no problems. You are doing what is best for your family don't let anyone tell you otherwise and good luck with the move! smile

DialsMavis Sat 16-Jul-11 10:18:14

am reading all replies and will post when DD (the wriggly worm) has a nap in a short while smile

diddl Sat 16-Jul-11 10:21:44

I think that you have to stick to your plans.

Ex thought it was OK to move an hr away from you, but now that you want to move the same distance from him-he´s moving back?

Why is he moving back?

DialsMavis Sat 16-Jul-11 11:04:18

Where are all the vipers telling me to get a residency order in favour of ex and pay him maintenance?! grin

I have told ex it is a distinct possibility that we will move all along but waited until we knew whether we could afford to move and found somewhere. We have now put a holding depost on a rental house and are waiting for our references and income to be checked. As soon as we did this I told Ex.

He is moving back as his GF feels isolated in the town where he works so wants to move back near her friends. Her mum lives in the city we are moving to so she is happy about it as she would like to eventually move there too. EX now says he is moving back for DS but he knew our possible intentions before he decided and a few months ago was talking about giving up his job and taking GF and DC travelling for 6 or so months...hmm

As I mentioned before I would not be totally happy about DS being woken and moved about midnight and than sleeping on a settee twice aweek if we stayed living here. I would probably ask Ex if they or I could buy a fold out bed and give up there Living room for those two evenings but I doubt they would agree to that anyway. BUt I am waffling about unrelated things now really...

If the situation gets any worse then I may have to contact the CSA but I am really reluctant as he can be a real bully and will make my life exceptionally difficult if I do and I just don't feel able to cope with the hassle at the moment. I agree that the maintenance is a different issur but it would be a much harder decidon if he was a really committed and responsible father IFYSWIM smile

diddl Sat 16-Jul-11 11:12:34

If your son is at school, surely he´ll only be able to stay over weekend & holidays?

Does your son really enjoy seeing his dad & new family?

Although their relationship is important, so is your new one & you can´t not do things to the detriment of that, just to make things as easy as possible for your ex.

DialsMavis Sat 16-Jul-11 11:40:44

Yes he does enjoy seeing them, he loves his Dad dearly, but I have made him go on occaision so as not to hurt Ex's feelings. He was refusing to stay there a year or so ago as (they only had their DD then, there DS is 4 months older than my baby). DS was expected to play with his SS (then 2yrs old) in their room from 5.45 or 6 am when she woke as EX and GF make her stay in her room until 7ish and DS claimed he was too tired to concentrate at school. I stayed as out of that as I could as I always try and remember how I feel when ex attempts to lay down the law in regards to what happens in my house hold.

Fairly often I ring Ex to say goodnight to DS to find they have left him at grannys for the night to save Ex having to drive DS all the way back down to school.

DS happy with every other weekend although he would like to join a football club but he would rather see his Dad and he loves spending time with his SS and SB but Ex GF says no as EX works Fri and Sat eves and some Sat days.

My comment about sleeping on the sofa is in relation to what would happen if we stayed living where we do now.

I think all of your comments have helped to see that while I feel like a bitch IANB too U. We may fail miserably living in the most expensive city in England and have to slunk home after 6 months anyway!

kayah Sat 16-Jul-11 17:09:57

are you moving to London then?

DialsMavis Sat 16-Jul-11 17:44:06

Yep, pretty scary for a country mouse like me smile

spiderpig8 Sat 16-Jul-11 19:57:40

Sorry I'm going against the grain here but I think you've got your priorities seem to think it's OK for your DS to have to travel travel 2 hours to see his parent and sleep on a sofa, but not your DP.
I think you should put your DS's needs before your DPs!!

DialsMavis Sat 16-Jul-11 20:09:02

I take your point about the travelling spiderpig8 but it will only be fortnightly for DS and at the monent it is an hour each way to where his father lives and weekly but just for a few hours really (lunchtime Sunday until 8 am Mon).

The sofa sleeping will happen wherever I live as they are the arrangements Ex sees as suitable when he is with DS. When I move they will only happen at Weekends and Holidays as opposed to 2 school nights which would be the typical access arrangement when Ex moves back here if I was to stay in the area

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