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Advice needed

(16 Posts)
litlady Thu 14-Jul-11 15:13:25

I've been estranged from my father for the past six years. Before that we had a very fractured relationship. My parents split up when I was 2 because of his violence towards her. I had little to do with him until I was 10 and he was with a new partner and appeared to be relatively stable, I moved in with them for six awful years, leaving home on my 16th birthday and having very little contact at all with him for most of my 20's. Here's the thing, he is a violent man who has subjected every woman in his life to bullying and violence. BUT, he can also be lovely and charming and loving. We tried to have a relationship of sorts a few years ago but it broke down because of his refusal to acknowledge his problems. In the meantime, I've had a child he knows nothing about. My aunts have been in touch recently and I met up with one of them recently. She knows why I don't see him but is also gently suggesting I meet up with him again. I don't know what to do. I feel sad about it but cannot see how I can form a meaningful relationship with such a damaged person.
What would you do?

skybluepearl Thu 14-Jul-11 15:17:27

i wouldn't see him. why create upset in your life and your childs life? would he ever be violent or abusive towards your child?

Tee2072 Thu 14-Jul-11 15:17:48

If he's at all violent I wouldn't let my children Amy where near him and I wouldn't go near him either.

sue52 Thu 14-Jul-11 15:27:28

No, stay away. Your first responsibility is to your child and you know your Father to be violent and untrustworthy. Your Aunt is very wrong in trying to manipulate you into seeing him.

litlady Thu 14-Jul-11 15:28:31

Well, yes, he was abusive to me and I don't trust him. But he is my dad. And I worry that I've taken an easy way out rather than trying to resolve it properly. maybe it doesn't matter.

sue52 Thu 14-Jul-11 15:30:52

If he refuses to acknowledge his past abuse, how can it be resolved?

InTheNightKitchen Thu 14-Jul-11 15:33:25

It's not up to you to resolve it properly, it's up to him. You were a child when you lived with him. He was and is an adult who chose to be violent and abusive.

BootyMum Thu 14-Jul-11 15:35:59

Agree with Sue.

Your only responsibility is to your own child. If you know your father to be violent and abusive but also in denial of this and not actively in therapy to resolve his issues then I think you cannot put your little one at risk.

Stay strong and don't be manipulated from what you know to be right and safe.

BootyMum Thu 14-Jul-11 15:37:34

And it's not your responsibility [or within your power] to fix your Dad. He can only do this for himself and at the moment it seems he is refusing to take that responsibility.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 14-Jul-11 15:48:54

In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter that you are unable to have a meaningful, or any, relationship with your violent and untrustworthy father.

What matters is that you resolve any issues you have carried forward from your childhood within yourself, and that you ensure that you do not become entangled with an ostensibly charming and loving abuser.

In refusing to adopt your aunt's (presumably your father's sister?) suggestion, you have not taken the easy way out; you have taken the only way out of more disappointment, disillusionment, and heartache.

Tell aunty that you've made your decision, that it's non-negotiable, and that you would be obliged if she would now let the subject drop otherwise it may adversely affect your recently renewed relatonship with her.

redexpat Thu 14-Jul-11 15:56:57

Stay away. Put your child's needs first.

litlady Thu 14-Jul-11 16:11:10

Thanks everyone, just quite hard when under pressure to make contact.

BootyMum Thu 14-Jul-11 16:11:26

Good advice Izzy

litlady Thu 14-Jul-11 16:15:39

Izzy, your response has made me feel lots better about this. Since my Aunt broached the subject, I've had a lot of unhappy thoughts resurfacing. It's been quite destabilising and I've been going over a lot of negative issues from my past. I know it's something that I should talk to a professional about but I am literally terrified of opening a massive Pandora's box of awfulness.

Thanks for listening

Punkatheart Thu 14-Jul-11 17:59:56

Of course bullies can be charming - it is part of a sociopathic personality. Please steer clear. Protect yourself.

I have given out one hug today but I think you might need one too.

Remember too that the pressure he is putting on you is ALSO a form of bullying.

RunAwayWife Thu 14-Jul-11 18:17:19

Stay away, far far away

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