to be so hurt/annoyed with my DD?

[smushy]

I have 4 kids and one on the way. Three are from my previous marraige. My eldest DD is 17, finished her exams and is awaiting to hear about a university place. She speaks to me like dirt and has reduced me to tears quite a few times. She stays in bed most of the morning, hasn't bothered looking for a summer job, doesn't help with cooking, cleaning and parks herself in front of the computer for the majority of the day. The other day I went into her room and removed her dirty soiled underwear off the floor and her used sanitary towels.

My DP did something stupid and managed to get behind on our rent. I managed to sort it by borrowing and some financial juggling. Some of the money I used is from a grant I got for my 4 kids (300 for my eldest). If I didn't sort this I would have ended up homeless, there was no other way. She's demanded 'her' money because I got it for her. She's also demanded I give her 'her' share of my child benefit but I don't get any for her now she's not in full time education (not living in UK although I'm from there). She also told me I've to have £400 for her deposit for accommodation for university but I just don't have it. On top of that she expects me to pay for her flights to get to my sisters who she is going to stay with before she heads off. I also pay her mobile phone bill every month.

My DD banned me from taking her to university but now my sister is taking her. She banned me from adding her on FB, but she added my sister. I don't actually talk to my sister since she banned my DP from her wedding, demanded I drive for almost 24 hours on my own with my kids (my DP was to be my back-up driver) and expected me to fork out about £2000 on accommodation. My sister then shouted at me down the phone about how selfish I am as it was her wedding, etc.

Sorry it's long. I'm so hurt and stressed I can't see the wood for the trees. Where did I go so wrong?

[squeakytoy]

Do you have mug or doormat tattooed on your forehead?

Get assertive woman!!

You are going wrong by allowing this behaviour to continue.

Let her wallow in her own shit if that is how she wants to live, and unless she pays for the telephone/broadband, unplug the router.

[oohjarWhatsit]

The other day I went into her room and removed her dirty soiled underwear off the floor and her used sanitary towels.

why?

[AnnieLobeseder]

Just. Say. No.

If she wants to wallow in filth and without any money... meh... her problem. Stop paying her way and cleaning up after her.

[suzikettles]

[share]

Sounds like your sister doesn't have kids herself. Her day will come when she will wonder how on earth she expected you to do all that with three kids just for her wedding.

As for your DD - Sounds like a normal teen - take comfort in that if nothing else, ie the fact that so many go through so much with teens. Having said all that, I have nothing of comfort or of help to add. I just didn't want your post to fade away before someone can offer something more useful.

Don't argue the point just state it's the family money and your are the adult to do as you seen needs to be done to keep a roof over your heads many teens go out to work some teens will not be able to go to uni the way things are going it just wont be an option work or no work. No good arguing your point though. Teens do not hear. I dread the teens which are fast-approaching. Now is bad enough. Your DD needs to be told you need to stand firm but we all know that and can't do it. Sorry will stop now in the hope someone is posting something useful.

[share]

Would it lighten the atmosphere if you appraoched her with the word MUG crossed out on your forehead one day soon? It might help her to notice what you are saying. Humour can help when we feel all we have left is shouting. Just a thought.

[SenoritaViva]

Poor you. Stop paying her mobile bill and explain that if she wants one she needs to get a holiday job and pay for it. OR you can say you will pay for it IF she gets a holiday job as that will need to pay for her accommodation.

Don't clear up after her, it is disgusting that you have to do that age 17. Surely she is ashamed if a friend comes around (not necessarily by mess but by dirty sanitary towels).

I really feel for you, but like others I think you need to toughen up. DISCLAIMER I don't have a teenager but not looking forward to it by the sounds of it.

[hellospoon]

Blimey. You need to get tough on this little madam, seems like she is taking you for a ride. This is what I would do in your situation;

Re the money: tell her you want to the money she owes you for rent, clothes, food, electric and gas. Add it all up and give her the bill. I bet she won't want 'her' share of the child benefit then! You obviously won't take money from her but it will give her the shock.

Re her laziness: change the password on the computer and only allow her time on there when she has earned it by doing chores of your choice, or if she gets a job whichever comes first. If she wants to lay in bed all morning fine, I would be doing housework to VERY loud music.
If her room is a tip go in there and strip it back to basics. A bed and a wardrobe, chuck away anything filthy and tell her she needs to buy her own stuff, this should help her realise money doesn't grow on trees.

Re a job: tell her she either helps in the house to earn her keep or she gets a summer job. If she does neither she gets NOTHING

Re you (d)p: why are you allowing him to do 'stupid' things which could loose you your home? You need to crack down and get bloody tough on him! You are pregnant and don't need the stress you are getting. Take control of finances and ensure all rent and bills are paid before he gets anything.

Re your sister: tell her to back off. If she is not going to support you then cut her off. I would also be telling her if she is so keen to be involved she can take on your dd. I would guarantee she will give up within a week and be shipping her back to you.

Do not take demands from anyone. You need to get tough!

[squeakytoy]

Is her father involved in her life?

[SenoritaViva]

hellospoon says what I wanted to but without a teenager wasn't sure if that was the right strategy...

I would potentially go further and say if she doesn't help with cooking (a reasonable amount, say 1 night a week or something) then she doesn't get to eat the other meals.

That said, I never helped my mum do the cooking and didn't have assigned chores but I was really helpful, laid the table, dishwasher, lots of ironing. Somehow my parents got across mutual respect by 17 and somewhere along the lines you haven't. Your daughter doesn't deserve respect from you right now and she isn't giving you any either. She'll really struggle at university if she doesn't learn some life skills this holiday.

[MorticiaAddams]

I would say your dd is worse than a normal teen. I was pretty bad but nothing like that and had grown out of it by 17.

Why do you allow her to treat you this way? Do you feel guilty about something? I'm just trying to comprehend why you would let her speak to you like this and give her money for phones, etc. She should respect you for being her mother but you do have to earn it too and all she can see if someone to be walked over.

I wonder whether this is something to do with your dp. Your sister doesn't like him so much that she wouldn't let him go to her wedding and because he did something stupid, you used your daughter's grant money. Does he treat you like dirt too? If so, perhaps your daughter is seeing this and can't have any respect for you. It sounds as though she is getting her mothering needs from your sister which must be really hurtful but only you can sort it out.

[smushy]

Wow, lots to digest there. Lots of it makes sense and yes I do need to get tough with her.

My sister - she doesn't have kids of her own and probably never will, I don't think they'd fit in with her lifestyle. She hasn't seen my kids for over ten years, doesn't bother emailing them or calling them but is the 'cool aunty' because of her lavish lifestyle and she can afford lots of nice things and holidays. When I was worried about my parents, she said it was 'their problem' and wanted nothing to do with it. That's how she is, she won't change. It's almost like my DD is another accessory but my DD won't see that.

My problems with my DD stem from my ex-husband when she was around 13. I trod on eggshells around my DD for years because of her threats to self-harm or to jump under a bus. I let her away with it too long so it's actually good to hear some rather harsh home truths.

I've taken control of the finances and have started putting my foot down there. It feels good to take some control back at last. Just need to start standing up to my DD. I tried talking to my mum and she just said 'well such-and-such gives her daughter her child benefit money'. Normally she's quite helpful.

My DP and I do have our problems, partly due to the finances and because we lived apart for a few months due to work. We are getting there though and he does love me to bits. I'm actually alot tougher on him because he was so stupid.

I'll probably re-read the replies again later on to get the most from them. Thanks

[smushy]

Also - when my sister banned my DP from the wedding it was because she didn't know him and had never met him. It was my kids she wanted at her wedding and she didn't really give a stuff about whether I was there or not really. I thought I was going to be her matron of honour but she got great pleasure out of letting me down on that score. I don't regret cutting her out of my life. She is who she is, she won't change and I have my own family who love me dearly.

[squeakytoy]

I would say have a month of giving her whatever she thinks child benefit would be.. and tell her to feed, clothe and pay for her phone out of it. Provide her with nothing else.

I am sure you have had the "I didnt ask to be born" rant....I remember saying that to my parents quite regularly when I was a teen, although like Morticia by 17 I had grown out of it, was working full time, and paying £30 a week housekeeping. (Admittedly borrowing most of it back over the week, and paying it back in a never-ending circle each payday!)

But, if she wants to be considered an adult, then she needs to behave like one, or be treated like the child she is behaving like is at the moment.

It sounds like she idolises your sister a bit, and will use her as a tool to rub your nose in things because she knows it gets to you, so hard as it is, try not to let her know that it hurts. She will grow up, and she will one day be a much nicer person to you, but I know how horrible these years are (my two stepdaughters were nightmare teens too).

[SenoritaViva]

I can in some ways (if she had done it correctly!) see your daughter's point about her money being used for your DPs mistake. Can you invest it slowly for her for the future? Although personally, I would say to her that the money is for when she is an adult and grown up; she is nowhere near this at the moment.

It sounds to me like your daughter learnt at 13 how to manipulate you and use blackmail etc. to get her own way. She is still doing this. You need to think about what she does need (i.e. deposit for accommodation for university) and how she is going to achieve that (i.e. get a summer job). Depending on your finances you could offer to put some money in (i.e. 1/4 of the amount she needs) if she gets off her backside and saves.

For what it's worth, my parents ran into hard times when I went to university (having funded my eldest brother and half of my other brother's university career) and I had to get a job and pay my way. That's life, it's not always fair but I never held it against my parents and more than anything your daughter sounds like she needs some life lessons.

[springydaffs]

oh my goodness, are you me? This rang a bell " I trod on eggshells around my DD for years because of her threats to self-harm or to jump under a bus". Yes, got that t-shirt.

I am now super tough around my daughter. You have a lot of work to undo iyswim - you let her get spoilt. She's now stronger (as is my daughter) and this is where you dig right in. You are being abused by your daughter, imo, and there's nothing for it but rigid boundaries: and I mean rigid. I heard once of a mother who took the door off her daughter's bedroom - daughter could only get it back when she got her act together. Of course, people will probably howl in protest at that on here...

You run the risk of said indulged daughter running off to the highlife with cool aunty, who will no doubt delight in turning your daughter against you. I'm afraid teens are tarts around money and glamour and will go for it above all else. HOld your boundaries though, keep everything tight. Don't give her a millimetre. You don't have to be horrible, definitely don't argue or justify yourself EVER. Make statements, not nice, not nasty, just facts eg if you don't bring in some money you don't eat. Change the password on the pc (great advice above). etc.

Good luck. Get tough. She needs it actually - it's a great relief when they get some boundaries in place - it's not nice being swallowed up by your own will and they actually appreciate some sense in the equation. Eventually

[LineRunner]

Agree with lots of the above posts about dealing with your daughter. Much tougher lurve needed!

I also think you need to have words with your sister about how she is actually in danger of doing more harm than good.

And you need to get the money sorted out in a transparent way so that you all know who is entitled to what, and how much it all costs.

And you need to learn the word, 'No'.

[smushy]

Definately need to start putting my foot down, formulate a plan and stop being such a doormat. I'm not doing her any favours by being so soft. I'll sit down later tonight when the kids are in bed so that I can think straight about what exactly I'm going to do.

The original plans for her to go to university were for a cheap flight and train which she worked out with me herself when we were having a good moment. I'm not forking out for an expensive flight just to please my sister. If she is hell bent on having her over and driving her up, she can pay for the flight herself as it is at least treble the cost for me to do it her way. There's no point talking to my sister, she wouldn't listen as she is always right. I haven't spoken to her in about a year and it's been great.

I agree with alot of what has been said, just lacked confidence in my own abilities as a mother for a long time. And springydaffs, thats exactly what I am afraid of with regards to my sister and DD.

[EveryonesJealousOfGingers]

SenoritaVita "I can in some ways (if she had done it correctly!) see your daughter's point about her money being used for your DPs mistake. Can you invest it slowly for her for the future?" - I don't get how this money is 'her' money. Surely it is a grant the OP has been given to help finance the care of her children? So if DD was paying rent, bills and food then maybe it could be construed to be 'her' money, but since she wants her Mum to support her financially I'd say she can't have it both ways.

Totally agree with hellospoon's post - excellent advice. I was no angel as a teen (I too cringe when I think of how I treated my Mum, and then blamed her for getting upset as though it was her choice!), but I did pay my phone bill (had to go through the itemised land line bill as this was waaay before mobiles) and did all my own laundry from age 12.

You can't control your sister or her involvement in this, so show you DD you love her but you won't take any more of this crap!

[springydaffs]

I'm sorry to say that in my case it happened . It has nearly killed me BUT I am her mother, always will be, and you never forget your mother, for good or ill. I had to let her go (how did I live through it??) and she is now on her way back - not quite here but on her way. If I hadn't let her go she would've hung it over me for, well, always, using it to control and manipulate me as per usual. Letting her go was part of setting boundaries iyswim. I had to let her know that even if the threat is that she might kill herself I wouldn't let her dominate me to the point of controlling me. Cost me my heart but there you go, it had to be done. I hope it doesn't come to that OP but if it does, hold on tight, she'll be back.
ps don't let your toxic sister know she's getting one over on you by come-hithering your daughter. In fact, you could try some reverse psychology eg when I wanted my infantile ex to bring the kids back early, I'd always say "could you bring them back later because I've got a social event I'm going to" = ensured they came back early. Ditto late: could you bring them back earlier I've got an important event and need to leave early. Worked every time . Takes courage though in this situation - you know your sister and what will bring out the worst in her, what will ensure she disengages from using your daughter to get at you.

[IAmATroglodyte]

I was a horrible lazy little bitch pain at 17 but my mum put her foot down and wouldn't do my washing, wouldn't buy me credit, wouldn't let me use the computer, wouldn't let me have a tv in my room, wouldn't clean up after me or cook me dinner unless I got myself a job. I sorted myself out pretty fucking sharpish once life got really uncomfortable, I can tell you! She'd been through it with my 3 older siblings by then already and had totally wised up to it. Me and my younger brother and sister never stood a chance!

[IAmATroglodyte]

Ps. Child tax credits are for the care of the child. If she is not paying for the food, electicity, gas and water she consumes then by no means is it her money..

[smushy]

Well, I spoke to my DP and he agreed with everything that was said. It's not going to be easy but I need to get tough (and I've my DP kicking me up the backside now to make sure I do but it's actually what I think I need).

I've prepared myself for letting her go in September, she'll have to find out the hard way this time. Not easy but what she needs I think. Thanks everyone for all the advice, it's really helped. And food for thought springydaffs about how to handle my sister, I like it.

[hellospoon]

smushy really glad that you have your partners backing, that goes along way in standing a united front to show you mean business. However try not to forget that he broke your trust also so keep an eye on him.

You know you have to let her go in september. Show her the hard way, by october she will be crawling back begging for mercy for the support as an adult.

Good luck and stay strong x