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To think 10+ years is too long to wait to move on?

(19 Posts)
PoorSweetInnocentThing Thu 07-Jul-11 11:01:52

Been seeing DP for 3 years. We each have kids that will live with but his more or less rules the house. It's that bad that when he comes home from work he goes up to his room to watch TV etc as his DD controls the main TV downstairs! We've talked about moving in together but he says he wants us to wait until all the kids have left home, he estimates this to be at least 10 years away. AIBU to think this is just silly and a complete waste of the short lives we have? In 10 years he'll be almost 50. I'll be early 40s. I want to enjoy life NOW while I'm still young. We were on about making an adult trip to Florida when the kids leave home and he said something about "by that time I'll probably be too old for the rides etc" and it brought it home to me how far away 10 years actually is.

I've suggested that we just call it a day but he gets all upset and says its the last thing he wants but 10 years is a hell of a long time to "postpone" moving the relationship on isn't it??

fernier Thu 07-Jul-11 11:03:36

Yes it is too long, i understand his concerns but you can't just wait around forever can you?

Sarsaparilllla Thu 07-Jul-11 11:06:22

I think 10 years is way too long to postpone moving on in some way, life's too short, maybe the issue is more that he needs to get in control of his kids rather than them ruling him??

JeremyVile Thu 07-Jul-11 11:06:43

Well yes, 10 years is a long time but he is just as entitled to not want to move your two families into one home as you are to want it.

It's pointless to try and twist someones arm to get them to do what you want - if he doesn't want to live with you then you shouldnt want it either.

What you're left with is deciding if you want to continue in the relationship when you both have very different ideas about how the relationship progresses.

DoMeDon Thu 07-Jul-11 11:08:11

How old are your respective Dc?

PoorSweetInnocentThing Thu 07-Jul-11 11:09:29

It's not that I WANT to move in with him as such, it's just I don't want to wait 10 years for any kind of progression either. I think the trouble is that he doesn't want the fall out of having to put his DD back into line but he can't just expect me to wait around for 10 years. Its ridiculous.

niceguy2 Thu 07-Jul-11 11:12:08

Do his kids live with him fulltime? If they don't then perhaps thats why he's reluctant to put his foot down so to speak because he doesn't want to have to spend his limited time being bad cop.

How old are all the kids?

PoorSweetInnocentThing Thu 07-Jul-11 11:14:02

yes she lives there full time and barely sees her mother. She's 14 and my son is 11

DoMeDon Thu 07-Jul-11 11:18:00

Why on earth does he want to wait 10 years then? She will be 18 in 4 years and an adult!?! Even if you waited for your son to be 18 that's on 7 years.

What is he scared of, do you think?

Does he like your son, do your DC get on?

PoorSweetInnocentThing Thu 07-Jul-11 11:20:55

he seems to be under the impression that she'll want to stay living with him until she's well into her 20s. Its all a bit odd, he's practically forced her to choose nursing as a career and has steered her onto a heath and social diploma to get into uni so she'll go to Uni at 18 but remain living with him etc etc.

Its like he just wants me to wait around until he's got "that" side of his life sorted and the I can join him when he's ready to focus on "this" side of his life.

DoMeDon Thu 07-Jul-11 11:25:43

How do you feel about their realtionship? Doesn't sound like you 'approve' of the way he parents her. Maybe he senses that and doesn;t want to cause ructions if you all live together? Lots of DC live at home till in their 20's now, but she will develop her own will soon enough and it may not go the way he wants.

PoorSweetInnocentThing Thu 07-Jul-11 11:28:49

it's not that I don't approve, its just that I see it as a total role reversal situation. she comes home from school and totally takes over the house, he comes home from work and hides in his bedroom all night. He has the smaller bedroom btw, she has the master bedroom. Obviously that wouldn't work if we all moved in together because I simply wouldn't put up with it but then surely if it's going nowhere (until at least 10 years time!) isn't it better to just call the the whole thing off? he doesn't think so. I think he wants the best of both, he wants a part time partner that doesn't come with the hassle of having to address his parenting.

DoMeDon Thu 07-Jul-11 11:32:41

Still sounds like you don't approve - sorry. 'Address his parenting' means you think something's wrong with it. Even if you haven't expressed the view, I'm sure he would pick that up. FWIW I wouldn't have my daughter in the master bedroom and controlling the TV either, but that is up to him.

Would you consider counselling to find a compromise and address the imbalance or is this relationship not worth it to you?

Callisto Thu 07-Jul-11 11:33:09

He sounds awful actually. Forcing any child into a career that they may not want is very controlling, but I'm more put off by him immediately slumping in front of the TV when he gets home.

Lorenz Thu 07-Jul-11 12:16:19

Life is far too short. Move on without him. he sounds a bit of a coward tbh.

MadYoungCatLady Thu 07-Jul-11 12:24:30

Do you think there is any chance the DD has said she doesnt want you to live together? He seems like he doesnt want to upset her. Obviously in any situation your children come first, but the child is not in danger! I'd get out while you can, you cant compete.

HerHissyness Thu 07-Jul-11 12:27:35

Why on earth would you want to move in with a guy like him, he sounds DREADFUL!

Talk about DULL, totally disinterested in life, in you, in his kids...

InTheNightKitchen Thu 07-Jul-11 12:33:52

A 14 year old, let alone an 18 year old, let alone a 24 year old can deal with her parent living with a new partner. Either there is something seriously wrong with this msn's relationship with his daughter (ie he can't deal with her growing up) or this isn't the real reason he doesn't want to move in (ie he is a fuckwit).

In either case, you need to explain to him how you feel, give him an ultimatum, and then move on yourself.

Lorenz Thu 07-Jul-11 12:57:21

Does he have friends etc? if not maybe he's worried about alienating his daughter because she's the only "solid" relationship he has? Sounds like he intends to keep her well and truly attached to the apron strings for many years to come. Move on.

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